Do you hear what I hear?

I had a picnic lunch the other day with a dear girlfriend I met in California years ago. Over the years we’ve had some grand adventures riding horses around the world. Why a picnic? Very simply, she wanted to be able to hear me. Sadly, we never talk on the phone because she can’t hear. Thankfully, she has learned to read lips.

Maybe you take your hearing for granted and/or are frustrated with a family member who can’t hear. Or like me, you are beginning to lose your own hearing. For years my father refused to get hearing aids while my much younger cousin embraced hearing aids years ago. Unfortunately, my girlfriend’s hearing problem cannot be solved with hearing aids.

While hearing refers to one’s ability to perceive sound by receiving vibrations through the ears, listening is something done consciously and involves the analysis and understanding of the sounds you hear. One might say hearing is done through the ears, listening, through the mind. Are you a good listener? When you genuinely listen, people will hopefully realize that you care about them. Everyone should know that being a good listener can improve relationships with your family, friends, and co-workers. Think of every conversation as an opportunity to learn something new, build trust with someone, and deepen connections. This happens when we build the skill of active listening and learn to treat listening as an active process – not a passive one.

For me listening is hard work, and I will be the first to admit it is an area in my life that needs work. I know I fail to listen when I don’t like the answers I get and when I initially meet people, it’s as if their names goes in one ear and out the other. These are two areas of listening I need to improve.

Here are three strategies to improve your listening skills. First, make eye contact with the speaker so they know you are giving them your undivided attention. Don’t look at your phone or scan the room. A good listener is attentive, engaged, and present. I find using positive minimal response, such as nodding, touch, or through some sounds, also shows you’re listening and actively engaged with the speaker. Do not interrupt. When you interrupt, you communicate that you don’t care about what’s being said. Interrupting can also make it appear as if you’re uninterested in the subject matter and were just looking for a moment to interject.

Ask follow-up questions.If the speaker’s message is unclear, ask clarifying questions to gain more information. You can also ask confirming questions, such as “I want to make sure I got that right. It sounds as though you are you’re saying “this”—is that correct?” This can help you gauge if you’ve received the message accurately. If you’re engaged with a teacher, colleague, or manager, perhaps take notes and leave room for silence. This allows you to take a beat and process the information you’ve received before asking for more information. Distinguishing among the different types of listening skills may help you develop further.

For instance, critical listening is the ability to evaluate what you are hearing and sort fact from opinion you receive through news, sales, pitches, political speeches, and lectures. Empathetic listening involves bonding while listening, hearing what the speaker is saying and asking meaningful questions. Informational listening is taking in and retaining new concepts. This requires strong cognitive skills. Active listening is a conscious effort to understand and retain what is being said but also to show the person speaking that you are alert and engaged. Reflective listening can defuse arguments. It involves hearing what the other person is saying and repeating it to let the person know you fully understood what they said. You practice passive listening when you take in information without reacting to it, such as in a conversation where you want to stay attentive while allowing the other person to speak freely.

You may be tempted to ask your listener: “I know you heard what I said—but were you listening?” Before you utter those words,  make sure you that what you have to offer is worth their effort.

Feel free to share your thoughts with me: ashton@ashtoncannon.com.

Ashton Graham is an educator, book publisher, photographer, cowgirl and yoga teacher. She is currently studying to become a yoga therapist and lives on a ranch in West Texas. Visit www.ashtoncannon.com to learn more.

This article originally appeared on Las Cruces Sun-News: Do you hear what I hear?