Happy Cuffing Season! Here are 22 Things You Can Expect from Your Cold Weather Hook-ups
There's no real timeline for when cuffing season starts. It inevitably begins when the weather gets chilly and your hormones start raging–so much so, you'd rather sit at home snuggled up with an S.O. than actually go out to, like, do things.
Locking a cuff down during the frigid winter months can seem a bit intimidating, but once you've scouted and drafted your picks for the season, it's go-time baby.
To prepare you for the perf November to February snug-fest, here are 22 completely normal things you may find you and/or your cuff experiencing:
1) Hitting relationship milestones quicker.
First fart in front of your cuff? No biggie, it’s muffled by the couch cushion you’re both laying on anyway.
2) Granny panties.
Because who feels like having a thin piece of cloth hiked up their ass and freezing their cheeks off, ya know? Your cuff will just have to deal with more ass-covering fabric.
3) Lazy sex.
Think: what’s the easiest, fastest, most efficient way to put the p-in-the-v and still clock 10 hours of sleep.
4) Low hygiene standards.
Say buh-bye to razors and moisturized legs, hello dry shampoo and deodorant wipes.
5) Really, just low standards in general.
As in, you're fumbling between the sheets with someone you wouldn’t normally go for...except for the fact that they happen to live in the apartment right below you and the convenience factor makes up for their Chewbacca-like sex grunts, right?
6) Thinking strictly in the moment.
You don’t know where you’ll be when temps rise above 60 degrees, but who cares when there's Thai takeout and on-demand Netflix and chill.
7) Sex with your socks on.
It’s cold, dammit!
8) Spending more time constructing your perfect Hinge bio than actually getting ready for work.
A perfectly acceptable pastime in my book.
9) Revamping your social media.
See: uploading those summer bikini pics with flame emojis and “Missing The Heat” captions.
10) Taking more Uber Pools.
You know, to increase your chances of coincidentally running into your next potential boyfriend. And because, again, it's cold outside.
11) Running out of Tinder swipes using the free version.
Then, calling your mom and asking her to schedule a doctor’s appointment for your seemingly broken thumb.
12) Using your horoscope as a valid excuse to backslide into your ex’s DMs.
Because “rekindled flames” are apparently happening for you rn.
13) Netflix cheating on your cuff.
So what you told them you'd wait to watch the next episode of Sabrina with them? You've got needs.
14) Buying a Costco-size bottle of lube.
You've been going through those little tubes too damn fast lately.
15) Spending five hours totally horizontal with your cuff in broad daylight.
It's called self-care.
16) Using "Bless you" as a pickup line when someone sneezes.
It is flu season, after all.
17) Using long underwear as a makeshift blindfold for ~sexy~ time with bae.
18) Hopping in the shower for some good head...
And Shoulders for that flaky scalp. Zing!
19) Watching Bridget Jones Diary.
Alone, in bed, with chocolate, and trashing your journal filled with your sexcapades too.
20) Keeping things steamy in the bedroom... with a humidifier.
21) Pretending to not recognize your ex.
When you’re sporting an oversized sweatshirt, dirty hair, and granny panties at the local grocery store, you must run the other way.
22) Expanding your Tinder distance settings from three miles to thirty.
Girl's gotta do what a girl's gotta do to survive cuffing season.
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