These Are — Hands Down — The Funniest Marriage Tweets Of 2021
With all of the ups and downs of 2021 — and just everyday married life! — spouses had no choice but to get seriously hilarious on Twitter in 2021.
NBC
Well, we rounded up 50 of the funniest marriage tweets of the past year, and they made us laugh like no other:
1.
When my husband makes me mad I’ll send him to the store for something that doesn’t exist.
2.
Marriage level: I did a video call with my wife because I didn't feel like walking up the stairs.
3.
Sorry we're late but my husband's keys were exactly where I said they were
4.
my wife asked me “what sounds good for dinner?” so I said “I dunno, what sounds good to u?” and she responded “I’m up for whatever” and now it’s been a week and we’re slowly dying of hunger
5.
*not letting my husband sleep until we finish this discussion*
6.
My husband asked me what I need at Target... Target will tell me what I need thanks
7.
DATING: what’s mine is yoursMARRIAGE: please don’t watch your stuff under my netflix profile
8.
I told my son he needed to clean his room and he said “maybe later, I have a headache.” I told him that was no excuse and heard my husband snort laugh from three rooms away.
9.
Be right back, my wife is in the kitchen and I need to go stand in front of the cabinet she’s about to open.
10.
So far I've discovered marriage is mostly just the cold spouse trying to steal heat from the other.
11.
Every Tuesday my husband is surprised to learn that our son’s 6:30 Tuesday soccer practice occurs every Tuesday at 6:30.
12.
My wife just rolled over to me in bed and whispered, “I know it’s late but do you want to have cheese toast?” That, my friends, is how you keep the romance alive.
13.
48% of marriages end in IKEA.
14.
If your wife wants flowers put that on monthly subscription life is too simple unless you hate her then fair play
15.
Marriage is strange, you pick a side of the bed on the first date and that becomes the only side you will ever sleep on for the rest of your life.
16.
Petitioner requests dissolution of the marriage based on
17.
I used my husbands body wash and now I can’t stop checking the lawn and yelling for my keys
18.
My husband lost a bet and has to wash the dishes for a month, and I just got a credit card alert that someone just spent $200 at Costco. If that man walks in the door with $200 of paper goods, I'm making it 2 months.
19.
Wife: We have so much laundry to fold.Me: I know.[long pause]Wife: Should we fold it?Me: Don't jump to any crazy conclusions.
20.
Welcome to marriage: You now have TV shows you aren’t allowed to watch without your spouse.
21.
Marriage isn’t between a man and a woman. It’s between a person who is certain they closed the garage door and a person who is certain they did not close the garage door.
22.
Her: Do that thing I like. Me:*leaves the house and takes the kids with me.
23.
My husband just shushed me. He will be missed.
24.
Sorry you finally folded towels in thirds only for your wife to tell you, “we roll them now.”
25.
My husband thinks he can just add random items to my junk drawer and I’m like HELLO THERE IS AN APPROVAL PROCESS
26.
I keep my marriage fresh by unveiling a new personality every few years.
27.
My wife speaks four languages: English, eyerolls, door slams and sighs.
28.
My husband eating pizza in bed over our new duvet cover shows he's really not scared of me anymore
29.
My husband: Do you really need another pair of black pants? My husband’s closet:
30.
Get married if you want to accidentally scare someone in the hallway and then argue about who was at fault.
31.
My wife is reorganizing all of our cabinets and drawers, which means two things:1) Our house is about to get super clean.2) I will never find anything again.
32.
Can you please stop breathing like that? —A marriage story
33.
Married 25 years, yet the wife and I still find things to talk about every day.Just not with each other, obviously.
34.
Secret to a successful marriage is to wake up and be the first one to say, “I didn’t sleep well”
35.
ENGAGED: Netflix & Chill MARRIED: Netflix & WHERE IS THE REMOTE? ARE YOU SITTING ON THE REMOTE? GET UP.
36.
My wife just threw away bubble wrap without popping it.Just like that. I'm married to a psychopath….
37.
My wife and I both like playing games, just differently.
38.
Once married the woman takes over the entire closet and the man stores everything he owns in his left cargo pocket
39.
The secret to marriage is finding someone whose chore preferences complement yours.
40.
My husband just used our personal lube to keep a door from squeaking in case you’re wondering about new ways to spice up your own marriage
41.
I’m starting to think my wife may not find the charming things I do charming.
42.
Husband is tired.
43.
Wife: I'm going to take a nap.Me: When do you want me to wake you up?Wife: *death glare*Me: Never. Got it.
44.
I’m your wife. You might remember me from such hits as It’s in the Hall Closet and its sequel Look Again.
45.
Wore my husbands shoes outside and now I can’t stop grilling things and checking my weather app
46.
"You don't load the dishwasher right," I said to my wife just before it permanently became my job.
47.
My husband went to the grocery store this morning which was super helpful so now I’m headed to the grocery store to get all the things we need.
48.
My wife asked me not to forget something and I said okay, and we both just laughed and laughed.
49.
My husband told me to dress nice because he was going to take me somewhere really expensive. I swear to God, if it’s the Lowe’s lumber aisle, it’s over.
50.
My wife is fed up
