How to Handle the Family Gossip, According to Michelle Buteau

The comedian helps reader deal with family busybodies, unwanted gifts, and more.

Michelle Buteau is a mother, wife, dog mama, actor, writer, comedian, and TV host. Her book of autobiographical essays, Survival of the Thickest, will soon be a Netflix series. She also co-hosts the popular podcast Adulting on the Exactly Right network. With all this life experience, we trust Michelle's ability to navigate a number of social quandaries. This is Michelle’s last column for us. We’ll miss her, but we’ll still be doling out advice. Submit your burning question to modernmanners@realsimple.com.

It's the Thought That Counts

GRACE: I’m in a silly predicament with my mother-in-law. She is so thoughtful and mails us gifts for every holiday—big and small—which is really sweet! Somehow she got the impression that we love dark chocolate and sends it almost exclusively. The problem: None of us (not my husband, kids, or me) like it. I hate for her to waste her money, but I don’t want to hurt her feelings by pointing out that we’ve been tossing her gifts.

MICHELLE: Grace, can I tell you that the last time my mother visited me, I bought her this huge fried chicken sandwich every day for lunch because I thought she loved it? She raved about it the first time she had it, so I figured, I got this! I’ll keep getting this thing she likes. Two weeks later, she told me it needed to stop. She had loved the sandwich the first time because she hadn’t had one in a while, but every day for two weeks was just too much. This sandwich was $22! I wish she’d told me earlier! She could’ve eaten a lunch she loved and I could’ve saved a lot of money. All this is to say, there’s no harm in telling your mother-in-law you’re kinda over dark chocolate—don’t tell her you never liked it, OK? Obviously gift giving is her love language, so help her pick something you and the family are into. Flavored popcorn? Hot sauces? Matching family socks? It could be fun to suggest a group gift because, ultimately, this is how Grandma likes to take care of her family. In the meantime, could you please send me your dark chocolate? Thank you!

Finding Me Time

LISA: Some good friends who live in another state have invited me and my husband for a visit. We’ve accepted the invitation and we’re excited about the trip, but this is the first time we’ll stay with someone in their home. It sounds like they have lots of ideas to keep us entertained (and busy). I’m sure they’re going to be amazing hosts. How can I tell them when I need downtime without sounding like I’m not enjoying their company? P.S. Any ideas for a great host gift?

MICHELLE: Lisa, congratulations on having friends who want to host you. That’s amazing and rare and what a gift! I totally understand wanting your vacation to feel like your time off. A polite way of putting that out there would sound something like “I love this so much, but I’m going to need to recharge my battery first.” Or “This is a great idea, but in order for me to be the best me I can be, I just need to rest a little.” Or even “Wow, Vacation Lisa is really relaxed because I can’t move! I need to stay put for a little while!” You can be appreciative, kind, honest, and truthful in a fun way. Oh, and a gift for the hosts could be a spa day, a dinner out, or even a new coffee with a unique mug! Perhaps one with a group photo of everyone from this trip.

How to Stop Playing Telephone

ANNE: My brother-in-law, who lives 150 miles away and rarely visits, began calling during Covid. This was welcome at first, but it’s morphed into a weekly “report” on the other siblings. I think he’s becoming a busybody. Besides asking my husband not to disclose any info about us to him, is there anything I can do? Some of this stuff is just none of our business. I should add that there are a lot of problems in this family, and some of the members hold grudges.

MICHELLE: Yikes! Cleanup on aisle 9, honey. We’ve got a mess! I have too many cousins who are busybodies, and boy oh boy, do they always have a mouthful about everyone else! I try to constantly ask questions about their lives and talk about the news or pop culture. Neutral ground! It’s how I maintain healthy boundaries when I’m in these predicaments. You can try to change the subject or even keep the convo super short. Honestly, whether you open up to a gossip or not, they will always have their version of the truth and their opinion of your life. And they’ll be more than happy to share your business, so it is what it is. Chances are, everyone else also knows what he’s up to when he’s blabbing.

Shoo Fly

WENDY: Even in the nicest restaurants, with a bottle of fine red wine, we’ve experienced a nagging fruit fly or two hovering over our wineglasses. I always try to slap them and kill them, sometimes successfully. My husband says I should ignore them, as it’s embarrassing to us and the restaurant. I’m not embarrassed and I want them dead. Your take on this?

MICHELLE: Wendy! I feel you! Let’s wine about it. (I’m so sorry. I had to!) But seriously, fruit flies around my delicious, overpriced wine are definitely annoying. I’m in public at a nice restaurant, in a nice dress, trying to swat them away from my glass. It feels like they’ve totally come out of nowhere. I’m constantly looking in my glass to see if there’s one floating in there. I get paranoid that I’ve swallowed one. It’s the closest I’ve ever been to camping, besides eating sushi on the subway. And that’s a “no, thank you” for me! The last thing you should ever feel is embarrassment—because these little guys can ruin your dinner experience.

Some ideas: Instead of trying to kill the fruit flies, maybe put a napkin over your glass? Wear a perfume that has a little peppermint in it? Let the waitstaff know? (They might be able to fix it for the next table or give you a comped glass of Pinot Noir!) Good luck, Wendy! I don’t know about you, but nothing could truly come between me and my glass of wine!

For more Real Simple news, make sure to sign up for our newsletter!

Read the original article on Real Simple.