These 50 Hilarious Tweets From Women Prove That We Should Just Ban Men From The Platform Entirely

does anyone have a spare 250k so that i can go on a submarine expedition to see the titanic?

— yara. (@pobrecitayarita) February 13, 2023

I love when people post a lot and you can tell it’s bc they have a crush on someone

— melissa lozada-oliva 🍴 (@ellomelissa) March 15, 2023

Not releasing “Cruel Summer” as a single during summer 2020 really was the move. Can you imagine, during the height of the pandemic, trying to chart a song that starts off with “Fever dream high in the quiet of the night, you know that I caught it” 😭

— Erin is in her Eras era (@swiftbunnies) June 18, 2023

Girls notes app be like:- grocery lists- childhood trauma- travel plans- draft breakup text - baby names- situationships- appointment reminders- gut-wrenching paragraphs about worst life experiences- deepest darkest fears - passwords

— Shona ☺️🖤 (@CH3RRYMOCHA) May 22, 2023

A lady at the airport brought her own personal tube of mayonnaise. I’ve yassified her to maintain anonymity but she’s my hero. pic.twitter.com/vaBvoZpdWX

— Michelle Collins (@michcoll) February 18, 2023

Should I rot in bed all day or push myself to leave the house and then inevitably spend $135

— frankie (@frankiegreek) June 25, 2023

obsessed with working in a coworking space. i just walked past a meeting room where 5 guys were standing around a white board that just had the word “money” written on it. like BUSINESS is happening here. these are DISRUPTERS

— chase (@_chase_____) March 21, 2023

my friend just found out 1 year into a relationship that her therapist is her boyfriend’s mom

— alli (@sonofalli) February 22, 2023

Was in Paris on Friday night and a handsome French man was flirting with me and I asked him what his name was and he said (very Frenchly) “Ah you will be disappointed” and I thought what a silly thing to say and then he said “it is Kevin” and you know what? I was disappointed.

— molly (@mollyEatsTofu) January 15, 2023

chris martin looks like a toddler named Rydyr at a pre-school that costs $50,000 a year pic.twitter.com/pijohbFnDj

— Dana Schwartz - on hiatus (@DanaSchwartzzz) February 6, 2023

at a bibimbap place and a young guy next to me just said “I’ve actually forgotten how to use forks because I spent so long in Japan” to his date do I say something do I save her

— Stevie Martin (@5tevieM) June 8, 2023

“can you explain the gaps in your resume?” yes that was when I worked really weird jobs that I don’t want you to know about

— ely kreimendahl (@ElyKreimendahl) April 18, 2023

a guy at the airport said “safe travels” to me and i said “you too” and then panicked and said “everyone’s on a journey, man.” i hope my plane crashes.

— erin chack (@ErinChack) January 23, 2023

When someone is googling to fact check me and I know I’m right pic.twitter.com/BJvBn9oogr

— Alyssa Limperis (@alyssalimp) April 18, 2023

{lois lane as an optometrist}ok, dave, let's put these glasses on you to see how they fit… wait who the fuck are you? where did dave go?

— kim (@KimmyMonte) April 30, 2023

I'm walking with my chihuahua and a guy on the street said "yo, Taco Bell dog got a hot mom" and that's the only catcalling I will tolerate.

— Lane Moore📚 (@hellolanemoore) April 15, 2023

I will never forget the LA based company that wanted me to drug test for a social media management position. Like do you guys even know what makes the internet good

— ellory smith (@ellorysmith) May 7, 2023

the drunk dialing of your 30s is consuming too much caffeine then sending your friends unhinged and basically unnecessary voice memos

— Jill Gutowitz (@jillboard) February 19, 2023

i hate when energy drinks are marketed toward men. what could they possible need energy for? telling lies??

— meredith (@dietz_meredith) July 5, 2023

going on vacay with a 24yo friend is wild. girl packed al she needed in one big tote. did not eat breakfast. guzzled cocktails at the hotel then got a full night of sleep and got up at 6am to go to the gym and write. i had one marg and forgot to stretch and thus need hospital

— delia (@delia_cai) July 3, 2023

This is actually fine with me as long as they preserve the artistic integrity of the project by casting a huge lesbian and a dude who's visibly plotting to kill his agent https://t.co/vrm0zX5ysL

— Lindsay King-Miller (@AskAQueerChick) April 20, 2023

me to 99.99% of men: please speak to me like an intelligent adultme to my financial advisor: please speak to me like I'm the dumbest person to ever live on this planet

— Sophie Vershbow (@svershbow) March 10, 2023

I enter Hudson News. I go into a fugue state. I leave with one soda, two magazines, and some crackers I’ve never heard of. I have spent $78. This seems accurate and correct.

— Mrs. Detective Pikajew, Esq. (@clapifyoulikeme) February 23, 2023

No piece of comedy is as funny as your friend accidentally saying a word a little bit wrong

— limp brittzkit (@Brittymigs) January 8, 2023

Remembering a girl I used to work with who didn’t believe in dinosaurs, not for religious reasons but bc “It’s just so silly…” Any time I tried to get her to elaborate, she’d be like “I mean…big monsters? Like…” and mime being a T-Rex until she was giggling too much to breathe

— Unemployed Astronaut (@MilfParade) June 15, 2023

I do not trust a seven layer dip recipe if it's from the NYT. No, the recipe must be from an archived mom blog written by a woman in Ohio with six kids who quit blogging in 2014 when she got a divorce.

— Lyz Lenz (@lyzl) May 7, 2023

getting mad at your hair is a whole different kind of anger

— M 🍓 (@babyariees) March 16, 2023

HBO login: password must contain at least 8 characters, a number, an emoji, your college roommate's maiden name, and a hieroglyph. ATM: just any 4 numbers.

— Eden Dranger (@Eden_Eats) March 15, 2023

It’s all fun and games being a trinket girl until you have to move

— 1984’s George Whorewell (@EwdatsGROSS) June 15, 2023

sitting in mass figuring out who would get hit if the lights fell pic.twitter.com/Pg9KqR4Csd

— Liz Charboneau (@lizchar) May 6, 2023

My biggest obstacle is that I only like salads when they’re made by other people and cost $16

— Sara Levine (@saralememe) May 10, 2023

I was driving with my teenage niece and she turned on a band and said “they’re kinda underground, but I like them.”Green Day, the band was Green Day.

— Momsense Ensues (@momsense_ensues) March 14, 2023

there was a week when we all got really into sea shanties https://t.co/74FuV6vRW0

— Leah Marilla Thomas (@leahmarilla) March 9, 2023

life can be pretty cool because you can get a bagel. but there’s also the horrors

— laurel (@pigeoncowboys) January 29, 2023

when I answer 3 emails pic.twitter.com/si12wAP7J4

— 🤙🏻soso🤙🏻 (@sophiebuddle) January 21, 2023

my favorite part of grocery shopping is stopping in the oreo section just to see what those weird little freaks are up to now

— notes app enjoyer (@stephk_davis) January 31, 2023

I’m deleting dating apps and going back to bed with my vibrator pic.twitter.com/jQ83oIlLfC

— abby govindan (@abbygov) March 6, 2023

Whenever I’m feeling down, I remember the company dinner when an intern turned to our CEO and asked, “Who are you?”

— Kat Lewis (@katjolewis) January 9, 2023

i was sooooo dumb when i was younger (5 months ago)

— The Notorious J.O.V. (@whotfisjovana) January 16, 2023

people who live alone should get one practice conversation before they have to speak out loud for the first time that day

— Niccole Thurman (@niccolethurman) January 31, 2023

I really appreciate the effort pic.twitter.com/oapyQ7wh6B

— Ms. Hannah :) 🦖🦕 (@Hannah_bmbmbm) July 7, 2023

I can’t go for a walk today because none of my favorite podcasts have released new episodes, and that is the only correct conclusion.

— Akilah Green (@akilahgreen) May 29, 2023

When I watched Ratatouille I was like "there's no way that rat could control that guy", then I remember I let a rat control me for a year and a half

— 𝕾𝖔𝖕𝖍𝖎𝖊 𝕬𝖓𝖓ੈ✩‧ (@Baycaked) January 2, 2023

The feminine urge to open a bookstore that is also a coffee shop and bakery and a flower shop

— namrah ♡ (@softmoonbow) January 1, 2023

Everyone thinks they’re resilient until they’re standing in the slightly slower checkout line.

— Jessie (@mommajessiec) March 9, 2023

men will always fascinate me pic.twitter.com/kGr24DVk4X

— Isabel Steckel (@IsabelSteckel) July 8, 2023

every time I feel bad about how I look in an iPhone photo I remind myself what these cameras do to my girl the moon

— rachel wilkerson miller (@the_rewm) January 31, 2023

on a date and we just went RIGHT to third base (he saw me burst into tears because taylor swift announcer speak now tv)

— ellie schnitt (@holy_schnitt) May 6, 2023

These are MOOD RINGS respect your ELDERS pic.twitter.com/edCXYiMzR9

— Laura Spitalniak (@LauraSpitalniak) January 16, 2023

i love when vets knock before they come into the room. like yes my dog is naked but she also arrived that way

— a goose (@nikkifranki) January 17, 2023

A girl at the bar last night complimented my pants in the bathroom and asked where I got them and I said the thrift store and she said “I hate that” and then she came up to me an hour later to clarify that she did not actually hate that she just never finds stuff at the thrift

— lifeless wig (@licoricewhip) January 15, 2023