Hair Goals: Ranking the World Cup Facial Follicles
The World Cup is in full swing, which you know if you live within a 10-mile radius of any bar playing any game at any hour of the day or night. People are hype, and for good reason: there's so many hotties! While we've already cataloged the 65 sexiest soccer snacks, there's a special subset who are really putting in work with their facial hair. These footballer follicles are fine and fabulous and you're going to be an instant fan. Let's look at the top picks (bearing in mind that, should there be a shortage of good barbers in Russia, these rankings might change by the end of the World Cup).
1. Mile Jedinak of Australia
Okay, but hear me out. This beard takes time, it takes self-control, it takes a moisturizing regimen. One does not simply grow a neck-length beard! One has to plan to do this and you know what I say? Mission accomplished.
Peep the shapeup situation on this man. Everything is intentional. He has his barber on speed-dial. It's possible that his barber has a pager to which only Mile has the number. It's that serious. This is meticulous and yet also gorgeous.
Wow. My feelings. LOL.
2. Adil Rami of France
What a delight! What an absolute delight! Adil Rami is giving you mischievous candymaker or olde-timey villain with a heart of gold. (Is that a trope? If not, why not. Please answer in haiku form only.) Not only does he have a well-tended garden of follicular delights on his face, but like an improv performer in any room, anywhere, he knows how to use it as a prop.
Look at this contemplative toaster strudel, hot and fresh out the oven, handling his handlebar. This is the sort of hair game that would make Jonathan Van Ness weep with joy. Can you believe?!
3. Mbaye Niang of Senegal
Normally, when you say "beard and mustache that don't connect," I say "check please!" But when Mbaye Niang says it, I say "I'll have that with cheese!" Mbaye is selling me the special today, honey, that special being "whatever he wants to do with his facial hair." This lewk is new for the World Cup, it seems. Prior, he was rocking a connected beard and mustache, and then just a beard. Whatever. I'm here for all of it.
4. Diego Reyes of Mexico
All of this checks out. It's a yes from me. But also...
A post shared by Diego Reyes (@diego_reyes13) on Jun 4, 2018 at 4:12pm PDT
Boo-thang not only has all his hairs on fleek, but his entire head is making money for him. Locks Bucks on lock.
5. Nicolai Jørgensen of Denmark
I RSVP'd for perfectly trimmed sand-colored scruff, like a Zen garden for the face. But to my surprise, when I arrived I found a whole forest of legs waiting for me. Nicolai Jørgensen is sporting sequoias and while it has nothing to do with facial hair, I am allowing it because I make the rules here and it makes me happy. This is now a list of legs and facial hair. The competition has intensified! The stakes are as high as Nicolai's thigh!
Oh, wow. Apparently no face is fine, too. Big fan. What was this article about again? I need to lie down.
6. Yasir Al Shahrani of Saudi Arabia
This easy, breezy facial hair sitch is incredibly photogenic, giving Yasir the lewk of your favorite boyfriend from college, the one who went hiking on weekends (where even were the closet mountains to campus? IDK.) and could make really great latte art (OMG so random but also so cute). You know that college boyfriend whom you sometimes Facebook stalk, just to see. Oh, he's at the World Cup now? Looking like a scrumptious biscotti? Hm. Good for him.
Wonder if he still thinks of you. Couldn't hurt to send a message. Just like a casual "Sup snack?! Long time no see."
7. Mousa Dembele of Belgium
I have no complaints about this. Everything looks great. But honestly, it's that smolder that's doing me in. Whew, turn it down a notch; my AC bill is already too high.
Wow, he also does Charming Rom-Com Lead. The range! The absolute range!
8. Cristiano Ronaldo
Sigh. Honey, what is this? Cristiano Ronaldo seems to have grown a little good luck patch on his chinny-chin-chin and it's got me in my feelings. I can't tell whether this whisper is facial hair or Selena Gomez's vocals on "Bad Liar." Either is fine, I guess, but we need clarity in these times. I'm pulling a Yellow Card on this. I am unsure what a Yellow Card does but hopefully it comes with a Gillette Mac 3. The thing that vexes me-and reader, I am vexed-is that I don't know why this is happening. It feels very "the only sophomore on the Varsity soccer team" and while I'm glad for Cristiano, and all his accomplishments, I don't understand why I'm being subjected to this Degrassi follicular situation.
That said, he remains in my good graces because, might I remind you, he looks like this:
A post shared by Cristiano Ronaldo (@cristiano) on Mar 29, 2018 at 11:01am PDT
He could grow a Chia Pet on his face for all I care. I mean please don't, Cristiano. But if you do, take your shirt of first. Much obliged. Much obliged to everyone!
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.
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