All Gwyneth Paltrow and Goop Want for Christmas Is a Candy Cane-Shaped Vibrator

From the company known for (controversially) introducing yoni eggs to the mainstream comes a new vaginal gift. In a festive new ad for Goop’s fashion line, G. Label, Gwyneth Paltrow decks the halls with a luxe candy cane-shaped vibrator.

First, the original influencer double-fists martinis (as ones does) and sets a sumptuous holiday-scape, complete with roaring fire, chunky knits, and vintage records. Then, Paltrow’s party of one takes a very merry turn, as she plucks a special grown-up toy from her mantle. “Don’t forget about number one,” a vaguely horny-sounding narrator says. Is it a decorative gourd? One of those jumbo-size candy canes? Alas, no. Eliminating any confusion: “Yes, that is a vibrator,” the narrator adds.

And not just any vibrator, either. According to the Goop shop, it appears to be Smile Makers’s sleek, $89 “The Romantic,” including four speed settings, three pulsation modes, and the curved tip of a candy cane. True to form, the sex toy section of Goop’s site also includes a $95 sex pillow to “hit the perfect angles” and Lelo’s fabled $3,490 gold dildo. I’m sorry to report, however, that its recommended kink accessory, a $1,350 restraining arts kit, complete with leather-bound paddle and wrist and ankle cuffs, is already sold out.

Goop is well known for its patently “ridiculous but awesome” (by its own description!) approach to presents, but in this case, they may have finally hit the right note. For is there any greater gift than, ahem, self-care? Fire up John Legend and Kelly Clarkson’s woke, new version of “Baby It's Cold Outside” and let’s get this party started.

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Originally Appeared on Vogue