22 Things On The 2023 Goop Holiday Gift Guide That Simply Can't Be Serious
I have a deep and abiding fascination with Gwyneth Paltrow's lifestyle and wellness brand Goop. Whether it's promoting the merits of steaming one's vagina (spoiler alert: there are no merits and you shouldn't do this) or advertising luxury diapers that cost $120, Goop always keeps me guessing as to what weird and wild thing they'll cook up next.
And when the holiday season rolls around, Goop's gift guides are a special kind of absolutely bizarre. Come along with me on a journey through some of the most inexplicable rich people stuff I've ever seen:
(And no, this isn't sponsored by Goop. I'm just fascinated by the things people choose to spend their money on. I also wouldn't be mad if you, dear reader, shipped me the cheese tower in #16. Happy holidays/eat the rich!)
1.This backgammon set priced at over $14,000 costs more than my car. I think you could actually buy two or three of my cars for this price (to be fair, I drive a beater from the '90s, but still).
2.I have so many questions about this 24 karat gold vibrator that I'm not even sure where to start, and I'm afraid to google any of them on my work computer.
3.Same for these 14 karat gold-plated handcuffs.
4.As a millennial who will most likely never own my own home, the idea of buying someone AN ENTIRE CUSTOM CABIN as A GIFT makes me kinda want to run screaming into the wilderness and never come back?? But also, if this is your gift-giving style, hit me up!
5.Or there's this stay at a villa that costs $27,000 per night.
6.These $5,125 Chanel roller skates that exist for some reason. I just feel like there shouldn't be a comma in the price for a pair of skates.
7.As a life-long book hoarder, I'm still trying to get my head around this library curation service.
8.I don't know who needs to see this, but this Hermés doghouse would be the perfect gift for George Santos this year.
9.The Goop gift guide for men is home to such everyday household necessities as this $199 saber for cutting into bottles of champagne.
10.And this very masculine all-terrain candle.
11.I feel like even the Goop editors know that this $73,000 Louis Vuitton wardrobe for literal infants is just absolutely wild.
12.Also on the kid's gift guide, a $285 diary. I must admit that it is extremely cute on the inside, and I would be tempted to buy it for myself if it was only, like, 1/10 of the price.
13.This luxury ball pit, perfect for the sad beige child who dreams of splashing around in a pool full of pearls.
14.Or if that's too plebeian for your toddler's taste, there's always this Hermés rocking horse.
15.I'm 99% sure I could crochet a dupe of this $525 water bottle holder in the time it takes to watch 1.5 episodes of Gilmore Girls.
16.God help me, but I now covet this tower of cheese.
17.This necklace that'll have people saying, "Cute necklace," to which you can reply, "Thanks! It's a vibrator."
18.Then there are these luxury fireplace tools for that rich person on your list who loves to cosplay as a scullery maid.
19.Don't worry, there are also some wild options under $100, like this pack of two sheet masks that costs almost $50 a pop.
20.Or these, um, I guess you'd call them ball supplements??
21.For the billionaire on your list who's not quite ready to go to space, there's this zero gravity flight experience.
22.And finally, these escargot picks in a snail-shaped holder that kinda looks like something else to me...
Okay, I have to go lay down now. Byeeee!
