A Guide to Understanding They/Them Pronouns and Nonbinary Identity
Linguistically speaking, pronouns are substitutes for nouns or noun phrases, and are the words we use to refer to someone in the third person. You probably learned about them in elementary and grade school, and likely more recently, explored their impact in conversations about gender identity.
Pronouns carry significant meaning, and are a crucial marker of one’s sense of self, especially for nonbinary, gender non-conforming, and transgender folks, whose identities do not exclusively fit into either of the gender binaries — male or female. Rather, a blend of the binary pronouns (he/him/his or she/her/hers), the gender-neutral pronoun they/them/their, a couple or all three sets of pronouns, or neopronouns (such as ze/hir/hirs and ey/em/eirs) better represent their gender identity.
“There’s this idea that gender is a spectrum and that on one side is men, on the other side is women, and nonbinary people are somewhere in the middle,” Leigh Thomas (they/them), Director of Communications at the National Center for Transgender Equality/NCTE Action Fund, explains. “That’s not necessarily true for how everyone views gender because at the end of the day, that spectrum is still defined by the things that are on either end — man and woman.”
“Some people believe that gender is more like a galaxy, or a solar system,” they continue. “Here, people occupy different corners of space in their own world. I think gender is much more three, or four-dimensional than the two-dimensional spectrum. That’s part of the freedom of non-binary identity — we don’t necessarily have to define ourselves by two options, the [genders] that are seen as the default.”
Maybe a friend, family member, or classmate came out as nonbinary or genderfluid, and/or shared with you that they use they/them pronouns, or multiple sets of pronouns. You may have read about a celebrity whose opened up about their nonbinary identity, such as Bella Ramsey, Amandla Stenberg, or Sam Smith. It’s normal for questions to surface as you want to better understand their identity and their experience.
Below, Leigh Thomas, Rae Sweet (they/them), Education Coordinator at the It Gets Better Project, and two of It Gets Better’s 2022 Youth Voices, Elliot (they/them) and Alejandro Isabella (him/her), spoke with Seventeen to break down and help unpack the answers to common questions about they/them pronouns and nonbinary identity.
It’s important to note that everyone’s journey is different, and the experiences of Leigh, Rae, Elliot, and Alejandro do not equate to the entire LGBTQ+ community. Different cultures have different gender systems as well, which means that the experiences written ahead are not directly comparable to everyone.
Why do people use they/them pronouns?
Folks who identify outside the gender binary, a cultural or societal structure that classifies gender into two opposite forms (male and female), might use they/them pronouns. They might feel connected with some aspects of the binaries or none at all. They might identify as nonbinary, genderqueer, agender, bigender, or genderfluid. Although some folks who do not identify as nonbinary might use they/them pronouns, too. So, Leigh explains, if someone’s identity does not conform to the gender binary, they/them/their pronouns can be an alternative to he/him/his or she/her/hers pronouns.
“Personally, as a nonbinary person, I use they/them pronouns because I am outside of the binary genders,” Elliot shares. “I don’t feel like a boy or a girl. I’m just me. I don’t want someone to look at me and think, ‘Oh, that’s a girl,’ or ‘Oh, that’s a boy.’ I want them to get to know me as a person.”
“My whole life, I didn’t recognize myself in the mirror. But I didn’t know what that meant,” Rae adds. “Later down the line, when I was in a space that was very welcoming of changing your pronouns every day and changing your name every day, I started to explore that. After a full day of trying out they/them pronouns, I looked in the mirror and it was the first time I had ever recognized myself… It's just so liberating to have words for that.”
Some nonbinary folks choose to go by neopronouns, which is a category of pronouns beyond they/them/theirs, he/him/his, or she/her/hers. These neopronouns include ze/hir/hirs, ey/em/eirs, per/per/pers, and many others.
How do I ask someone for their pronouns?
When you meet someone, you can introduce yourself as, “Hi, my name is ____ and my pronouns are ____.”
Rae emphasizes the importance of introducing yourself with your pronouns, especially if you’re a cis person. It establishes an open, inclusive discussion, and welcomes the other person to share their pronouns as well, if they’re comfortable doing so.
If you’re meeting more than one person, Isabella and Elliot explain that you should ask everyone in the group for their pronouns, not just one person. “Open up the table for everyone and don’t single someone out,” Isabella says. Elliot adds that you should respectfully check in with folks as well. Someone’s pronouns might have changed since the last time you spoke to them.
It’s also possible that some people are not ready to share their pronouns with you. “There might be some situations where they're either not comfortable with [sharing] or they're with someone who they're not out to yet,” Elliot explains. Keep this in mind, and again, never isolate someone or make them feel forced to share their pronouns.
Why do people ask for my pronouns?
“There are many different ways that people choose to present themselves to the world,” Leigh explains. Asking for someone’s pronouns shows respect for them and their identity. We shouldn't assume someone’s identity based on their appearance, clothing, or how they choose to express themselves.
“There’s no one way for a man, or a woman, or a nonbinary person to look,” Leigh continues.
“People ask for other’s pronouns so that they can respect the other person’s identity and use the right terms for them,” Elliot adds. “They are genuinely just being respectful and polite. Almost everyone has pronouns; they’re not a new thing.”
Why do some folks go by two different pronouns? Why not choose just one pronoun?
There are a number of different reasons why someone might decide to use multiple sets of pronouns. Isabella, who uses him/her pronouns, explains, “When I use both [pronouns], it really reflects who I am and that a lot of the time, I do feel like a boy or I do feel like a girl — and then a lot of the times I don't.”
“It will just change throughout the day, so using my multiple sets of pronouns gives me freedom,” he continues. “I don't have to use my energy figuring out [one] set of pronouns. Instead, I can take that energy and put it into expressing how I want to, and looking in the mirror and giving myself positive affirmations of, ‘I use his/her pronouns and I am valid.’”
Elliot only uses they/them pronouns, but spoke with friends that identify with two or more sets of pronouns. These folks expressed that they “feel a connection to both sets of pronouns, feel more comfortable using both sets of pronouns, and/or identify outside of the binary but still feel some connection to the binary.”
If someone goes by multiple sets of pronouns and you’re unsure which one to use, Alejandro says it’s important to pay attention to the order in which they presents their pronouns: “My pronouns are his/her, because I would prefer people to use his before her.”
Some might want you to switch their pronouns every now and then, and it’s OK to check with that person if you’re unsure, Elliot notes. “I think it might be good to ask because it's different from person to person,” they say.
Can people who are not nonbinary use they/them pronouns? Can nonbinary people choose to use only binary pronouns?
Yes. “Pronouns do not always equal gender,” Elliot says.
Isabella explains that nonbinary people do not strictly fit into one category, and as mentioned earlier, can identify as agender, bigender, genderqueer, genderfluid, and more. (Elliot also points to this graphic that helps explain some of the nonbinary identities.)
Leigh echoes this fact. “Nonbinary identity is both an identity in itself and an umbrella term for many different kinds of identities,” they say. “Some nonbinary people might identify partially as a man and/or partially as a woman, and that might be a reason why they would choose to use a binary pronoun.”
What should I do if I use the wrong pronouns for someone?
If you accidentally misgender someone, acknowledge the mistake and apologize, correct yourself, then move on and do it differently the next time. “If you make a big deal about it, over-apologize, or victimize yourself, that's not very helpful, and it really makes everyone feel bad,” Elliot says.
If someone changes their pronouns, practice, practice, practice them in your head. “Make your dog use they/them pronouns, or your cat, and start practicing that way because the more you get into the practice of correcting yourself in your mind and in your language, then the easier it is to do that in real life,” Rae adds.
For someone who uses two or more pronouns, such as Alejandro Isabella, there’s an elation that arises when people recognize those multiple pronouns and use them interchangeably in conversation. “A person uses both sets of pronouns for a reason,” she explains. “I do experience euphoria when people say, ‘Alejandro is great. She is a Youth Voice.’ I do experience euphoria when someone says, ‘Isabella is great, he's doing an interview.’”
Why is it wrong to say “preferred pronoun?”
Pronouns are not a preference, they are a requirement, Leigh, Rae, Elliot, and Isabella all echo. “Preferred pronoun” implies that there is a choice or that their pronouns are optional. But simply put, there is no choice — someone’s pronouns are fact.
“You are who you are and you deserve to identify as such,” Alejandro says. “We don't have to cater to the cisgender's opinion. We just are who we are.”
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