A Guide to Processing Rihanna and Drake's Breakup
What a beautiful day!
The air has that crisp, electric quality that is unmistakably fall.
The sun is shining. We haven't had a presidential election scandal in roughly 15 hours. It's National Coming Out Day.
Life is good!
::logs on to ELLE.com::
::clicks on article entitled "Drake and Rihanna Are Now Reportedly 'Seeing Other People'"::
::immediately climbs back into bed and pulls covers over head.::
Cutest celebrity music couple Aubrih is now in an Aubr-eak up and I'm not even sure what the point of Aubrih-ing awake is.
"But the article says that they're just seeing other people, not officially broken up."
"And they're still friends; it's just because of their schedules."
I just can't deal. This is just too much. Young Leo DiCaprio knows how I feel.
Don't tell me about the Aubrih-alities of maintaining a relationship while being two of the biggest stars in the world. Don't show me pictures of them kissing it better with some other celebrity. Call me Valerie Cherish because I don't want to see that. I want Drake and Rih, sitting in a tree or nothing at all.
Legit, if I see Drake sitting in a tree with some other person, I'm going to chop down every tree on the planet. Sorry, Present-Day Leo DiCaprio; I know you're in love with nature. But this is an emergency.
Nature had it coming.
Look, I get it. They have busy careers. They have to record and perform all over the world. Rihanna is filming the new Ocean's Eleven movie, which is going to be lit. Drake is really tied up being friends with every basketball player. It's a lot.
But Aubrih, we all got pain.
We all have busy, go-go lives! Like, tonight I have to choose between watching Fresh Off the Boat and watching This Is Us. Why? Because they come on at the same time, Aubrih! I have to choose! Do you know how hard that is, Aubrih?
I have to decide if I want to laugh or cry! And Aubrih, the answer to the question "do I want to laugh or cry" is always obviously yes.
But now I am only crying. Not laughing.
Well, laughing a little. I just thought of a funny thing that happened on Friends like 20 years ago.
Never gets old.
You know what else never gets old? Drake's love for Rihanna.
And that's what we have to hold on to in these dark times.
Drake and Rihanna are timeless. Like a hip-hop Ross and Rachel. They'll always find their ways back to each other. Even though, tbh, Rachel probably should have stayed with Joey. Yes, I said it. No, I won't retract it. I can't be held accountable for my feelings. I'm in mourning.
I think I have to call out of work for the rest of the day.
Boss: What's wrong with you?
Me: Excellent question. No one knows. Anyway, I have to take the day off.
Boss: Are you sick?
Me: Sure. Whatever. Um, listen, my Uber is here so...
Boss: But what are your symptoms?
Me: Well... I'm tired...
Boss: Of being played like a violin?
Me: Actually, yes.
Boss: Must be love on the brain. Take the rest of the week off.
Follow R. Eric Thomas on Twitter.
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