What To Do When Guests Don't RSVP, According To Etiquette

Don't let tardy RSVPs get you down.

Hosting is a generous undertaking, requiring much thought, effort, and time to pull off without a hitch. While that is something that Southern hosts have undeniably mastered, there is always the fear of things going awry. While you can certainly focus on things that you can control—like the things every Southern host does before company arrives—what about the things you cannot, such as RSVPs? One of the most important facets of hosting is being prepared, and knowing your headcount is essential to planning any event successfully, from a small party to a formal event.

Even etiquette maven Emily Post would certainly agree that guests are always obligated to let a host know if they will be attending or not. However, that's sadly not always the case. As much as you can try to make deadlines clear and responses easy to submit, there will almost always be people whose responses are still outstanding, and it can be very frustrating as a host to know the correct way to proceed.

Don’t let the inevitability of tardy and missing RSVPs keep you from planning a perfect event. Here’s what to do when people don’t RSVP.

""While no one is obligated to accept an invitation or to explain the reasons for not accepting, you do have an obligation to let your host whether or not you will attend." —Emily Post"

When RSVPs Are Expected

What Type of Event Is It?

To put it simply, you’re almost always under the obligation to state whether or not you are planning to attend a gathering, whether it’s something more casual such as a birthday party or baby shower to something very formal such as a wedding. To ensure a headcount, a host should make sure to include a note about RSVPing when inviting people through printed invitations, email invites, calls, texts, and even in-person verbal invitations. Moreover, RSVPs can be important even when planning lowkey gatherings such as a backyard barbecue, dinner party, or any small-group occasion where absences will be noticed. For large, more casual parties, it might not be expected to RSVP, but it is still always appreciated when appropriate.

Is There Food Involved?

Typically, RSVPs are needed not only for a general headcount for the host but also for the caterer or whoever is providing the food. It might even be the host cooking or multiple partygoers providing potluck-style dishes, which means it is polite to RSVP as soon as possible for the host or caterer to plan for enough food, cutlery, and chairs. For weddings, this is of utmost importance, as there is a drastic cost relationship between how many people are confirmed to be attending and how much food is needed.

How To Track Down RSVPs

Reach Out with a Friendly Reminder

If you expressly gave a deadline for RSVPs and you’re still missing some responses, allow the deadline to arrive and then start reaching out over the next day or so via email, text, or whichever communication is preferred. For smaller parties, sending out a group text or email can gently nudge any non-responders without calling them out individually. Always err on the side of being gracious rather than accusatory to avoid any awkward circumstances.

Start Calling

If you’re still dealing with missing RSVPs after the deadline passes and you’ve sent out a friendly reminder, it’s time to start calling. This, hopefully, allows you to nail down people who have been acting wishy-washy about their attendance, seem to be waiting to see if anything else comes up, or are feeling guilty for waiting so long to RSVP (more often with those declining). If you do not receive an answer, leave a detailed voicemail, and feel free to send out another text or email individually, kindly noting that you need a headcount as soon as possible.

Assume No-Shows

When the time comes for a hard-lined headcount, you can only assume that anyone who has not RSVP’d will not be attending. If you’ve attempted to reach out more than once and days have passed since the deadline, you’re under no obligation to keep reaching out and chasing down RSVPs. This is often when events are getting closer to occurring, and you’re busy enough without having to babysit others’ responses!

Deal with Unannounced Guests

While it is one of the most frowned-upon etiquette no-nos, guests showing up announced without RSVPing does sometimes happen. While it can be very frustrating for hosts, it’s best to not show your annoyance at the party or event, but rather just make any concessions that can be made for food or seating. However, you can feel good knowing that you’re not beholden to overly accommodate unannounced guests since they did not properly RSVP. For seated events such as weddings, it is often suggested to have a couple of extra place settings and chairs in case of guests who show up without RSVPing. You'll always come out looking polite and prepared.

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