I Grew Up In The '80s — Here Are 9 Memories That Are Just So, So, So '80s
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Hi, I'm Mike, and I was an '80s kid (I was 4 on January 1, 1980, and 14 on December 31, 1989). Today, I have a 14-year-old daughter who is fascinated by the '80s (thanks mainly to her obsession with Stranger Things). When she asks me what it was like growing up back then, these are the stories I tell her:
1.MY LIFE OF CRIME: The statute of limitations has likely expired, so I feel safe confessing that, back in the '80s, I was a criminal. My crime? TP'ing (aka "toilet papering") the houses of people I didn't like in my neighborhood.
If you don't know what TP'ing is, it's when you sneak onto someone's property and cover everything in sight — the home, cars, trees, and mailbox — with toilet paper. Nowadays, TP'ing has largely gone the way of the dinosaur, what with Ring Security Cameras and toilet paper being so damn expensive, but back in the '80s, you'd be hard-pressed to drive down a residential street and not spot a home that'd received "the treatment."Truth be told, I only ever TP'ed five or six homes, but here's how it generally went down: You'd invite a friend to sleep over, then, when your parents fell asleep, sneak out, arms full of Charmin, and unspool it all over someone's property before racing home and into your sleeping bags.Why did we do this? Honestly, it seems like a ridiculous thing to do in retrospect, but back in the day, there were no cellphones, internet, or on-demand TV. And there was only so much Legend of Zelda you could play before you got bored.Nevertheless, my days of TP'ing ended when my buddy Eddie and I made a serious tactical error while sleeping over at his house — we TP'ed the home directly next door. The next morning, after Eddie's mom took us to breakfast, we returned to spot the neighbors outside in their pajamas, picking up toilet paper. Making matters worse, it was drizzling, and the toilet paper had turned into a mushy, impossible-to-pick-up mess.Eddie's mom sighed and fixed her eyes on us in the rearview mirror."Do you two know anything about that?"We both shook our heads in the most convincing way we could, but neither of us was exactly Laurence Olivier.Eddie's mom frowned — that universal disappointed mom frown — and stopped the car."Why don't you two get out and help them," she said.Eddie and I spent the next hour in the rain, picking up soaking wet toilet paper as the neighbors sent us periodical "We know it was you, you little shits" looks.Talk about a miserable experience! But we deserved it. Thankfully, that ended my life of crime. I've been on the straight and narrow ever since.
2.WATCHING THE CHALLENGER DISASTER LIVE: On January 28, 1986, about 30 minutes after school began, my fourth-grade teacher enthusiastically switched on the TV so we could watch the space shuttle Challenger launch into space. We were all excited to see it — us kids because we'd just finished making dioramas of the nine planets (there were nine planets back then; Pluto had yet to be ignominiously demoted), and our teacher because the Challenger crew included 37-year-old Christa McAuliffe, who was set to become the first teacher in space.
After the countdown to launch, the Challenger blasted skyward. We all watched enraptured…until the Challenger exploded, causing a massive white vapor cloud to fill the TV screen. Everyone got really quiet. I'm not sure how much time passed with just the TV prattling away, maybe a minute or two (or five), but eventually, one of my classmates asked, "Are they dead?" I don't remember what our flummoxed teacher said after that, but she soon turned off the TV and pivoted to us opening our math books.
It was a bit of a death of innocence moment for us kids (and likely our young teacher, too). Soon Christa McAuliffe jokes became in vogue on the playground (if you're from the '80s, you likely remember), but I don't think anyone from our class ever laughed at one.
3.THE CABBAGE PATCH KID STAMPEDE: Like a whooole lot of children in 1983, my sister was desperate to get a Cabbage Patch Kid. Getting one wasn't easy, though — they were the hottest toy on the market in decades, maybe ever. Our mom searched high and low, doing everything she could to find one, but no luck. She finally resorted to calling a dozen or so toy stores every day for weeks to ask if — and when — they might have some in stock. Finally, around closing time one day, someone at a local Toys "R" Us whispered into the phone, "Just between us, we're unpacking a shipment right now. They'll be on the shelves when we open in the morning."
The following morning, my mom and I drove to the Toys "R" Us an hour before they opened (just to be safe) and saw, to our horror, a long line of people out front. "Just between us," it seems, was more like "Just between us…and a few hundred other people."
We parked with a tire screech straight out of Dukes of Hazzard and hustled to get in line. There wasn't much conversation among the crowd — everyone knew why they were there, and there wasn't much point in fraternizing with the competition.
Finally, the clock struck 9 a.m., the doors opened, and everyone went berserk. They abandoned the line and charged the entrance, screaming and shoving people aside.
It was pure pandemonium, and as people flew past us, my mom — who was on the heavier side and not the quickest — grabbed me by the shoulders and yelled, "Get one!!!" I nodded and sprinted as fast as my size 2 shoes would carry me to the doll section, where a mob of people was ripping boxes off the shelf like piranhas tearing apart fresh prey. I squeezed my way through them and grabbed the first box I saw as — within seconds — the shelves were totally empty.
My mom finally hoofed it back to the doll aisle, trailed by a sea of disappointed shoppers, and I held the box in the air. Triumph!
My sister was thrilled and eventually went on to own seven Cabbage Patch Kids…one of which we got at the official store in San Francisco, where you watched doctors birth the dolls out of actual cabbages. Weird stuff!
4.FIRST LOVE: On January 31, 1988, Super Bowl XXII filled the screens of 37 million TVs across America, including mine. I wasn't a happy viewer, though — our local team, the San Francisco 49ers, was not playing in the big game despite going 13–2 in the regular season (the Vikings eliminated them weeks earlier in one of the biggest upsets in playoff history). But who cares about football when what came on after the game was so life-changing? Certainly not me.
The Wonder Years premiered immediately after all things football ceased and hit me over the head like a meteor falling from the sky. Part of it was because the show centered around Kevin Arnold, a 12-year-old boy — and I was a 12-year-old boy! I'd never seen a show before where the main character was going through the same things I was (even if it was set in the '60s instead of the '80s). It was also just a fantastic episode (widely seen as one of the best pilots ever). But the biggest reason it affected me so much was because Winnie Cooper, the character played by real-life 12-year-old Danica McKellar, made my prepubescent heart swell until it almost burst. And then, when the show climaxed with Kevin and Winnie sharing their first kiss, I think my first hair sprouted on my chest right then and there.The next day at school, my buddies and I didn't talk about the Super Bowl, but we did talk about The Wonder Years. At recess, we agreed it was a work of art on par with the ceiling of the Sistine Chapel, or even Star Wars, before the conversation turned to Winnie Cooper. We all got starry-eyed."She's the most beautiful girl in the world!" one kid yelled."I know! I'm in love with her!" pronounced another.And then Evan, a bespectacled kid who was more Paul Pfeiffer than Kevin Arnold, said, "I'm writing her a letter!""And sending it where?" I asked."To the movie studio or whatever. Maybe she'll become my pen pal. Or my girlfriend!"Girlfriend?! You could see the wheels turning in all of our 12-year-old minds. Finally, another kid said, "Well, I'm writing her a letter, too!"
"No, you're not!!" shouted Evan.
"Am, too! Started it last night."
The boys soon rushed each other, trading weak slaps, and yard duty came running to break things up. Yep, that was the power Winnie Cooper/Danica McKellar had on 12-year-old boys back in 1988.For the record, Evan did send Danica a letter and got back a signed headshot. She did not, however, become his girlfriend.
5.MY RUN-IN WITH ANDRÉ THE GIANT: In the mid-'80s, my family took a vacation to Maui, Hawaii. I was stoked to splash around in the sun and rock the kid-sized Hawaiian shirt my mom picked up for me at Mervyn's, but the most memorable part of the trip came while checking in at the hotel. Why? Because checking in next to us was none other than André the Giant!
As a kid who religiously watched WWF Superstars of Wrestling on Saturday morning and lugged around a shoebox full of those '80s-era plastic WWF action figures, including one of André the Giant, I basically had an out-of-body experience.
I didn't approach or bother André, but I did gawk at him. He was huge. You know he was huge, of course, but let me tell you…when you were kid-sized and standing beside the man IRL, he looked about as big as the Empire State Building. I also remember watching him sign something for the desk clerk — the pen looked about as big as a toothpick in his catcher's mitt-sized hands. (Twenty years later, I peed at a urinal next to Hulk Hogan at a Venice, California restaurant, but that's a story from another time.)
6.WAITING FOR NUCLEAR WAR: If you grew up in the '80s, the possibility of nuclear war felt very real. It was the Cold War, after all, and it didn't help that adult conversations often drifted to discussions of the Soviets, the arms race, and increasing tensions. But if there was one day kids were most convinced we were all soon to be toasted in a massive nuclear war, it was Monday, November 21, 1983.
Why November 21, 1983? Because the night before ABC broadcasted The Day After, a TV movie about nuclear war watched by 100 million Americans — more than 40% of the population! Now I haven't seen the movie since it aired 40-plus years ago, so I basically only remember being freaking out by it, but according to a plot synopsis online, this is what happens after the Russians drop nukes on America: "Marilyn and Bruce are incinerated. The Hendrys, having initially ignored the crisis, never make it out of their yard. A nuclear detonation flash-blinds young Danny Dahlberg when he looks at it." Fun stuff!
(If you're wondering why I was allowed to watch the movie, you must remember that back then, you couldn't play Frozen on-demand in another room or hand your kid an iPad. So, when the TV was switched on, the whole family watched whatever was on it. There wasn't much else to do!)
Well, the day after The Day After, my classmates and I shuffled into the school, dazed. At recess, a group of us gathered on the handball court.
"Did you watch that movie last night?" one kid asked.
We all nodded, ashen-faced.
"So when do you think it's going to happen?"
Another kid glanced up at the sky, checking.
"My dad says if it happens at school, we're supposed to get under our desks."
"That supposed to help?"
"Uh, I guess?"
The conversation continued like this until — mercifully — we decided to forget our impending doom and play a little handball. Thank goodness for handball!
7.ORDERING SEA-MONKEYS: As you can see below, I was a Spider-Man kid. That's me at my 7th birthday party. Spider-Man even attended! My friends and I hounded him to prove he was the real Spider-Man by climbing a wall or shooting a web, but he said he couldn't because it was his day off. At the end of the party, he peered into the distance and said, "I just spotted the Green Goblin! I've got to go!" That's when my buddy Eddie yelled, "I THOUGHT IT WAS YOUR DAY OFF?!"
What I loved most about Spider-Man, though, were the comic books. I'd re-read each page, over and over…even the ads. Actually, I was fascinated by the ads and the amazing things you could order — a balloon that blows up bigger than 10 feet! A 2-inch gun that "really shoots!" And Sea-Monkeys! They were the most tantalizing of them all. On their ad was a drawing of what looked like half-human, half-fish creatures and the text: "Sea-Monkeys, the real live fun-pets you grow yourself! So eager to please — they even can be trained!"
I BEGGED my parents to let me send away for some, but they were less impressed. "There's no such thing as Sea-Monkeys!" I was incredulous. Did they not see the drawing in the ad?
Eventually, as only kids can do, I wore my parents down, and they let me mail off my order. I could NOT wait for my "fun-pets" to arrive, checking the mailbox every day. Finally, a package arrived! I practically levitated — my trainable human/fish hybrid creatures were here and ready to be grown! My dad was less thrilled as he opened the package, bellowing, "Brine shrimp eggs! It's just brine shrimp eggs!"
Undeterred, I filled a fish bowl with water and the package's contents, then stared into the bowl, breathlessly waiting. A day later, the eggs hatched into...brine shrimp. Brine shrimp, I quickly learned, looked absolutely nothing like the human/fish hybrid creatures in the ad, could not be trained in any way, shape, or form, and were pretty damn boring.
It seemed I'd had my first experience with false advertising. How people got away with those ads, I'll never know!
8.TRYING NEW COKE: It's a footnote in history now, but in 1985, when the Coca-Cola Company discontinued their original Coca-Cola formula and replaced it with a new one — and a new name: New Coke — it was a big deal. It was such a big deal that a kid in my class planned his birthday party around it. The party invitation even had a drawing of a Coca-Cola bottle on it along with text like: "Swimming at our house followed by a trip to McDonald's to try New Coke! Yippee!" (Coca-Cola has a longstanding relationship with McDonald's, and in many parts of the country, including mine, McDonald's was the first place to offer New Coke.)
The swimming portion of the kid's party was fine. Perfectly fine. But it wasn't what anyone cared about. We wanted to try New Coke! What would it taste like? Would it be even better than old Coke? Could that even be possible? The mind boggled!
Later, after we ate a cake with a Coca-Cola bottle made out of frosting atop it, we piled into the families' cars and headed over to McDonald's. Upon arriving, we spotted a poster on the window: "NOW SERVING NEW COKE!" We all whooped, ripped open the door, and barreled inside.
Soon, the highly-anticipated drink was in our grubby little hands. We all shared excited glances, and then — deep breath — took a sip. And it was...pretty good. That might surprise younger people, considering New Coke is known as one of the biggest fiascos of all time, but we all thought it was…pretty good. Was it better than old Coke? Eh. Maybe, maybe not.
One thing was for sure, though…there were probably better things to base a 10-year-old's birthday party around.
9.MY FIRST CONCERT: One Saturday morning in the summer of 1985, I was looking through the entertainment section of the newspaper when something caught my attention — an advertisement for a concert that night. The artist? None other than "Weird Al" Yankovic!
I was only 9 years old and had never been to a concert, but I ripped the ad out of the paper and sprinted into the living room, where my parents were still waking up with their morning coffee.
"Weird Al is doing a concert tonight!" I shouted.
"Who?" they asked.
"Weird Al!"
"Who? Weirdo?"
"Not Weirdo! Weird Al!"
Clearly, my parents (and likely most other 40-somethings) had little interest in, or knowledge of, Weird Al. But at my school, he was almost a God. This is the guy, after all, who turned Michael Jackson's "Beat It" into "Eat It!" Who transformed Queen's "Another One Bites the Dust" into "Another One Rides the Bus!" And who changed Joan Jett's "I Love Rock 'n' Roll" into "I Love Rocky Road," an ode to the joys of eating ice cream! Genius! To the under-10 set, we considered ourselves blessed just to be alive at the same time as Weird Al.
After a bit more explaining to my parents, who finally caught on ("Ah, gotcha. It's the guy who does the parody songs."), I said, "Can we go? PLEASE?"
My parents shared a look, then shrugged, and said, "Why not?"
Holy cannoli! I was going to see Weird Al!
That night, as I sat in my seat, I gawked at the crowd funneling into the theater, then peered down at the stage where roadies set up mics. This feels like something you'd see on MTV, I thought. In fact, it's almost like I'm on MTV! Suffice it to say, I was feeling pretty cool.
Soon, Weird Al took the stage, and he did not disappoint. He played a mean accordion, screened funny videos between performances (I remember one was about trying to go ask Michael Jackson for permission to parody one of his songs), and even wore a hospital gown while performing "Like a Surgeon," a parody of Madonna's "Like a Virgin" (I didn't know what a virgin was, but I still found it funny). At one point, Weird Al asked everyone to sing along, and I joined in. I couldn't believe it — I was singing with Weird Al! (And, you know, a few thousand others.)
On the way out, my parents bought me a "Weird Al Yankovic — Like a Surgeon Tour" T-shirt, which I, of course, wore to school on Monday. My classmates practically bowed before me.
Did he play "Eat it"? They asked.
I snorted and smoothed my T-shirt. "Do you even have to ask?"
Everyone hooted and patted me on the back. On that day in 1985, I was the coolest third grader in my town. Thanks, Weird Al.
