Granger Smith opens up about grief, guilt over son’s death and why he left country music

After country music star Granger Smith lost his 3-year-old son, River, in a tragic drowning accident in 2019, the singer says he faced a humbling realization.

"It showed me that I didn't have a good faith," Granger Smith, 43, tells TODAY.com. "My faith was weak.

"Although I was a cultural Christian, I really relied on myself," the father of four continues. "I was my Savior. I fixed my own problems. 'Self-help in America' — like that was my religion."

After his son's accidental drowning, the grief and the internalized guilt, Smith says he had to face the reality that "things can get bad enough in your life that you cannot fix yourself."

"At some level, I couldn't blame God at all because I didn't really have a God," he says. "It wasn't until a half a year later when faith actually became a saving grace."

In April, 2023, Smith announced that his tour "Like A River" would mark the end of his country music career. Currently promoting his new book, “Like a River: Finding the Faith and Strength to Move Forward after Loss and Heartache," Smith is opening up about his new life direction.

“I have felt a strong desire to pursue ministry," Smith said in an announcement posted to his Instagram account. "This means that me and my family are going to serve our local church."

Smith says the decision to leave country music behind was not made in one singular moment, but more of a gradual realization.

"I keep a journal," he says. "When I put in a new entry, I'll go ahead and read the last four entries from the last four years and I've been tracking this idea of: 'Man, this touring thing — how much longer do I have it in me to look for fulfillment on stage?"

Smith's wife, Amber Bartlett, says she wasn't surprised when her husband told her he was going to pursue "a more meaningful path."

"I could definitely see it," Bartlett, 41, tells TODAY.com.

"His mental health and wellbeing is more important to me than a certain income or lifestyle," the mom of four says. "Going through what we did, it just truly opened our eyes to see what's important — faith and family."

One large component of Smith's decision to pursue ministry work was the process of writing his book.

"Writing songs, it's kind of always skating around the subject a little bit," Smith says. "That just wasn't enough for me."

While Smith found freedom in the act of writing such a personal account of everything surrounding River's death, it was not easy — two chapters in particular where by far the hardest for Smith to write, he says.

"Chapter One is the whole event of River in the pool, so I had to recount that in more detail than I probably ever told it before," Smith says. "Chapter Seven ... is about the night I almost took my own life. Retelling that story was even harder, because people knew the River story but no one knew that story. I was ashamed of it."

Smith's wife had no idea at the time that he was contemplating ending his own life.

"I waited (to tell her) — of my own shame, really — until I was literally pitching the proposal to publishers for the book," Smith says." I was like: 'Hey, you're going to be copied on an email for this proposal, but I want to tell you something that you don't know.' Of course, she cried and said: 'I'm so sorry I wasn't there for you.' But that's my own fault — I didn't bring her in."

The couple decided to be extremely open about the circumstances surrounding their son's death — in part, they say, so others would know they're not alone.

That day at the family's Texas home in 2019, River was enjoying a water gun fight with his brother, Lincoln, while Smith was doing gymnastics with his daughter, London.

While Smith wasn't looking, River squeezed through the gate surrounding the family pool to refill his water gun, and fell in.

"As soon as I heard my daughter scream, I ran out and saw my husband with our son," Bartlett says. "We both were fighting to save our boy."

The 3-year-old died two days later at Dell Children’s Medical Center in Austin, Texas, his organs donated to those in need.

The couple has also been transparent about how that day and the days that followed tested their relationship.

"I have to give credit to Amber, because I was the one in the backyard when (River) went into the pool," Smith says. "Easily, at any moment, she could have said: 'How could you have turned your back on our baby?' And if she did, just once, that would have put a slice in my soul that was irreparable — but she didn't."

Bartlett says she never once considered blaming her husband for their son's death — instead, she felt like it was her fault.

That day, Smith had asked her to take the boys inside after dinner. She declined.

"I had a long day, I wanted to take a shower and I just needed a break," she says. "So thinking back, it was like: 'It's my fault: I should have taken the boys inside.'"

Guilt is not only the focal point of Smith's book but also the very reason why he decided to devote his life to faith and ministry.

"Saving faith gives you permission to grieve, or be angry, or question or say: 'God, how, how long will you hide your face from me like that?'" Smith says. "It gives you permission to go: 'I'm hurting and this really sucks right now, take it from me — I can no longer handle this myself.' There is such freedom in that.

"It's also given me the authority to go to a father who has lost a son and say: 'Take my hand, we're moving forward," Smith adds, smiling. "It's time."

This article was originally published on TODAY.com