I Got a Prenup—but It Wasn't to Protect My Money

When I got engaged, I was certain about a few things heading into marriage: I would keep my last name, skip some traditional wedding elements like a bridal party, and have a few deep-dive conversations with my fiancé about our compatibility on politics, parenting, and spending. While I wasn’t sure how important it was to protect my premarital financial assets—namely, a humble savings account and a top-notch shoe collection—a prenup seemed like a practical measure that would ensure transparency and fairness in the event of divorce, and my partner agreed.

We’re among a rising number of millennials with this mind-set. A widely cited 2016 survey by the American Academy of Matrimonial Lawyers reported that 51 percent of lawyers saw a spike in millennials' asking for prenups. The trend is reflected among young Hollywood couples: TMZ reported that Hailey Baldwin and Justin Bieber got a post-nup—essentially the same as a prenup, but signed after marriage. A week before Ariana Grande and Pete Davidson called off their engagement, Davidson joked about their decision to get a prenup on Saturday Night Live (“She pays, like, 60 grand for rent and all I have to do is stock the fridge.”).

Experts believe millennials—who recently made headlines for helping the U.S. divorce rate drop 18 percent from 2008 to 2016—approach marriage differently than our parents did, so it makes sense that we also approach marital contracts differently. “The definition and meaning of marriage has transformed for this generation,” Liz Higgins, LMFT and owner of Dallas-based Millennial Life Counseling, told Glamour.com. “Millennials are less inclined to marry for religious, financial, or family-status reasons. They seek marriage for partnership and relational fulfillment. For them, I think prenups are a form of security and mutual understanding, as well as respect for marriage as a legal commitment.”

While this all rang true for us, we wanted to take our prenup a step beyond its traditional purpose to protect financial assets and be sure it protected our emotional investment too. I got the idea to add a custom clause to our contract during a maintenance session with our couples therapist, whom we used to see regularly before resolving some communication issues. When she asked how wedding planning was going, I realized it was impossible to know where our relationship would be without the work we’d done in therapy. What could be more valuable than the time, money, and energy we’d put into becoming stronger, better partners? My fiance and I talked it through and agreed to add a clause stating that before divorcing, we’ll attend at least as many therapy sessions as the number of years we’ve been together.

You might wonder why we’d need to put this into writing if we already believe in therapy as a relationship troubleshooter. Though I’d like to think we’d both willingly go if our marriage were to deteriorate, a prenup is by nature a worst-case-scenario contract. What’s more, if we one day decide to divorce, our intention is to build mutual respect and understanding into the process, regardless of the outcome. “The driving force of a decision like a prenup is what the couple brings to the table,” Higgins told me what I discussed our prenup with her. “If a prenup comes from a place of fear, anxiety, or distrust, then it will be experienced as a tense and negative component of the relationship. In your case, the intention is not to plan for your divorce—it’s to create a plan to ensure that you’ve done everything in your control to work on your relationship before divorcing. This can be a powerful, healthy process and can improve trust, accountability, and openness.”

In spite of evidence showing that prenups are on the rise among millennials, there are still plenty who believe the cons outweigh the pros. “I didn’t get a prenup because I felt it ruined the spirit of marriage,” says Darrell, 30, of Los Angeles, who tied the knot earlier this year. “I married my wife as a lifelong partner, not a temporary one, and having that mindset from the start was key for me. I wasn’t willing to risk damaging our emotional connection by bringing it up, especially since most of my life’s wealth will be created after marriage, so a prenup to protect premarital assets is insignificant in the grand scheme.”

Most millennials who opt for a prenup, though, don’t see it as a negative reflection of their relationship. “While I’m confident that my marriage will last forever, I inherited a collection of jewelry from my grandmother, whom I was close with as a child,” says Harper, 28, of New York, whose wedding is next February. “I would never risk losing something so precious and significant. My prenup is not a symbol of distrust toward my fiancé, but a way to protect a family heirloom that not only holds financial value, but tremendous emotional value, which is most important to me.”

Protecting emotional investments may not be the traditional purpose of prenups, but some millennials are intrigued by the idea. Jaclyn, 31, of Philadelphia, says she would consider including one in the prenup she and her long-term boyfriend will have when they marry. “We each have enough of our own assets to protect, and even if we didn’t, we’d get a prenup from a future-earnings perspective,” she says. “My boyfriend is opposed to therapy unless it’s in a marriage-saving context, so I love the idea of including a clause like that.”

The catch: A prenup therapy provision like ours is considered a soft clause, meaning it’s less legally binding than hard clauses about physical property, savings, or debt. “I don’t disagree that couples are starting to look at prenups in a different light, but they need to be careful about getting too creative because then it becomes harder for the court to enforce,” says Carmela Miraglia, a Massachusetts divorce mediator and senior associate attorney for Lynch & Owens, P.C. Miraglia says she still sees financial security as the main motivator for millennial couples getting prenups, and that women are often the primary drivers of the decision. “With couples marrying later in life and more women holding higher-paying positions, they don’t want to feel dependent on a spouse for their financial future,” she says.

There are a few options—and price points—for getting a pre- or post-nup. You can pay a lawyer an hourly rate (ranging from $100 to $500) or a flat fee (typically starting at $2,500). Lawyers often advise each spouse to hire their own legal counsel to review the contract on behalf of their best interests, so this option gets expensive, fast. Another avenue is hiring a more affordable, by-the-hour mediator like Miraglia, who mediates a conversation and drafts a contract based on a couple’s goals. If that’s still not in your budget, sites like legaltemplates.net, postnuptialagreement.org, and pandadoc.com produce free, automated prenup templates based on state laws. But even if you and your partner sign and have it notarized, DIY prenups risk being viewed as less legally enforceable than ones drafted by pros.

Like politics or religion, prenups can spark tough conversations among couples. In the lead-up to your wedding, it’s not particularly fun to talk about how you’ll split up your savings, furniture, and debt if you ever break up. But even if it’s a stressful conversation to have, it’s guaranteed to raise important issues, and if you’re anything like my husband and me, there’s a good chance you’ll feel better after talking it all through. If nothing else, you’ll know where you both stand (and wouldn’t you rather know?).

But make sure, whatever you choose to do, you’re doing it because you want to—not because you’re feeling pressure. “What ultimately works best for millennial couples is formulating the blueprint of their own relationships, not building it based on past relationships or societal or family expectations,” says Higgins. “There’s merit to coming up with hard and soft boundaries to uphold your marital stability, regardless of what’s legally binding.” For us, it felt like the right move to include a soft prenup clause about therapy before divorce, which we hope we’ll never have to invoke. Whether you’re looking to protect family heirlooms, future earnings, or hard-won healthy relationship habits, it’s never a bad idea to have an open conversation about what kind of marital contract—if any—is right for you as a couple. Because ultimately, like your marriage, your prenup is what you make it.

After divorce rates peaked during the 1970s and 1980s, much has been made of the fact that they are now on the decline, especially among millennials. Still, if you’re thinking about splitting with your spouse, or you’ve already been through a divorce, sunny statistics aren’t exactly useful. Throughout this weeklong series, Glamour.com explores what it means to uncouple in a modern world.