Find Out Who Got Eliminated in the 'Stars on Mars' Series Premiere

Fear not, earthlings: Stars on Mars is finally here! If you've ever wanted to see a dozen celebrities of varying levels of fame throw on spacesuits, live in tiny bunk beds, drive space rovers and shoot flame throwers as they do their best to survive on Pretend Mars, Fox has you covered this summer. The whole surreal experience is emceed by William Shatner, who appears remotely via video, which means he's unaware that the celebrities are referring to him as "Shatty Daddy." Probably for the best!

What happened in the Stars on Mars premiere?

The celebrities spend time on mandatory tasks that life on Mars would require: tracking their rations, caring for plants in their indoor greenhouse, exercising to keep their muscles strong on a planet with a different gravitational pull, carefully dusting off all of the space badges. (Okay, yes, that last one is a stretch.) There's also a mini-challenge where Lance Armstrong and Ronda Rousey have to rescue Natasha Leggero from her space pod and bring her safely to the main base, which they do; and a talking computer who makes wisecracks, because of course there is.

The episode's "elimination challenge"—the challenge that will determine who from the crew goes home—manages to be suspenseful, in part because the show is good at getting you to forget that the cast is in a desert in Australia and not actually on Mars. In a simulated dust storm with high winds, the celebrities have to find pieces of a communication tower, then reassemble and hoist the structure back into position. The tower is replaced at the last possible second and everyone is delighted, even though it means they'll now have to form a bottom-three comprised of celebrities who were the least "mission critical"—then send one of those astronauts packing.

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Who got eliminated in the Stars on Mars premiere?

Christopher Mintz-Plasse, McLovin' himself, is the first celebrity banished from Mars. His fellow "astronauts" deem him non mission-critical because he hung back too much during the rebuilding of the communication tower. It seems a little unfair to penalize him for a very sensible strategy of "staying out of the way of people who actually knew what they were doing," but he takes his elimination well, jokingly asking all of his castmates to find him on Instagram once they're all back on Earth.

The other two celebs in the bottom three were Adam Rippon and Tom Schwartz.

Which celebs are still competing in Stars on Mars?

Ariel Winter

Ariel's excited to be there, willing to jump in and help out and kind to her new castmates. But unfortunately, what she'll most be remembered for in this episode is mistaking Lance Armstrong for the astronaut Neil Armstrong, a misunderstanding she doesn't clock until some time later, to her massive embarrassment. Girl, we've all been there, even if most of us weren't wearing space suits at the time.

Tallulah Willis

Tallulah immediately gets the prize for "Mars inhabitant with the best introduction to an anecdote" when she starts a sentence with, "So, my mom had just started dating Ashton…" She's very self-aware of her nepo baby status and does an excellent job as mission specialist, although it's a little suspicious that producers are the ones assigning that role, given that the mission specialist is also safe from elimination that week. Hmm.

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Marshawn Lynch

Marshawn is the first base commander (team leader), which anyone who was a fan of the Seattle Seahawks recognizes as a brilliant choice—why not have someone famously chill commanding the mission? He's mostly just excited to have his own bedroom and bathroom, but ends up crushing it as a fair, laid-back leader. He also spends a good amount of time dunking on Lance Armstrong and claiming that cycling isn't a real sport. Here for it!

Richard Sherman

Richard and Marshawn were Seahawks teammates, so it makes sense that they settle into a Bert-and-Ernie style dynamic where Marshawn is the lovable goofball and Richard is a bit more straight-laced and serious. With Marshawn back at base during the elimination challenge, Richard is the one who actually has boots on the ground and steps up to be the on-site leader. It's hard to see the other celebrities managing to get the tower up without his direction.

Tinashe

Tinashe doesn't get much screentime in this episode, but she does successfully identify an olive tree, and can any of us say we've ever done that on Mars? No, we cannot.

Adam Rippon

Adam's social acumen and sense of humor are both assets for the game and for the show (his narration through his confessionals is legitimately funny), but it's a little odd to see him downplaying his athleticism—he's an Olympian! Still, who else could say "I think I'm mission critical because I'm one of the hottest people here," actually mean it, and make it out of the bottom two and back into the competition as a result?

Lance Armstrong

Lance does a pretty decent job of pretending to laugh along when Marshawn asks him, "How athletic is this?" while slowly riding an exercise bike, and he's a strong and effective presence in the episode's challenges. But midway through the hour, he's half-begging to use Marshawn's private bathroom, so easy money's on Armstrong being the first celebrity to drop the, "Hey, we're all just here for a fun adventure!" façade.

Tom Schwartz

Fans of Vanderpump Rules will be pleasantly surprised to learn that Schwartz is able to form opinions without Tom Sandoval there to whisper them in his ear! He also comes in clutch getting a crucial carabiner attached during the hoisting of the communications tower. Not bad for a perennial sidekick!

Natasha Leggero

Natasha lists being able to cook a chicken as her only lifeskill that could possibly transfer to life on Mars—relatable! She also wins the prize for line of the episode when she eyes up Porsha's wedding ring (which Tinashe correctly describes as a "space rock") and says, "I'd raise five step kids for that ring."

Porsha Williams Guobadia

You can take the Housewife out of Atlanta, and it turns out you can put her on Mars! Porsha's the first to admit that she's way out of her comfort zone, out here in a space helmet and full glam, but she also steps up as a leader during the elimination challenge, staying composed and communicating well.

Ronda Rousey

Ronda is absolutely taking this experience more seriously than any of the other celebrities, and time will tell whether or not that's the best approach. Her strength and determination as an athlete will probably carry her far into the competition, but her try-hard energy, while understandable, could be a bit much for her castmates to live with for weeks on end.

Final thoughts

The cast can't quite decide how committed to the premise they are—they say things like "the thing about us being on Mars" just as much as they do "well, if we were really on Mars." But their wavering is understandable given that the concept is, on paper, ridiculous. It's almost staggering to think about how many people—network executives, agents, producers and celebrities themselves—said yes to a concept that roughly boils down to WHAT IF BIG BROTHER, BUT ON MARS?

It's equally staggering, then, that the show actually works. Part of that is how strong the cast is. Sure, Stars on Mars only has one true household name (Lance Armstrong, for better or worse), but several cast members are, for lack of a better term, household…phrases? The name "Ariel Winter" won't click with everyone, for example, but "that woman who played the middle daughter on Modern Family" probably will.

Going by the first episode, the Stars on Mars cast was selected based on who would make for good television—not just who would say "yes" (looking at you, The Masked Singer). With that being the case, we're excited for liftoff.

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