The good news: Fewer people are getting divorced. The bad news: Fewer are getting married
Most of us know that being in a relationship is no walk in the park. It’s a marathon where you are being chased by tigers.
Yet, despite the tigers — and failed attempts aside — we persist in pursuing relationships.
Why?
Probably because humans typically crave companionship and belonging to someone else. They want the opportunity to love someone and to be loved. They want to grow together with someone.
Yet, we all know, things happen. Arguments occur. Relationships end. Couples divorce.
From the most current Census data on the latter, it’s somewhat difficult to draw any significant conclusions.
Fewer marriages, it seems, are occurring, and there are fewer divorces as well. In 2021, the U.S. marriage rate was 14.9 marriages per 1,000 women, down from 16.3 a decade earlier. And the 2021 divorce rate dropped to 6.9 from 9.7 divorces per 1,000 women in that same period.
And many who divorce don’t give up on the institution of marriage, though.
Forbes Advisor, in research published in January, notes that 64 percent of men and 52 percent of women get married again after their marriage has ended.
So, in a world where it seems so difficult to have a healthy relationship, what does it take to have one?
How do you sustain a healthy and happy life with one another?
There are many different aspects of a healthy relationship, but one that I have found super important in working with couples and families is “conflict.”
“Conflict” probably makes your skin crawl, like it does mine. Most people don’t really know how to have conflict with each other, or it has never been modeled well for them.
Believe it or not, conflict can be a healthy opportunity for you and your partner to bond, to become stronger as a couple.
How do you have healthy conflict?
As a couple’s counselor, here are four things I think are important when it comes to healthy “conflict”:
Understand your anger or discontent. If your partner doesn’t do the dishes for the 10th time, it makes sense you would be angry about that. But usually, it’s not because someone didn’t do the dishes. Usually, it’s much deeper. Maybe your partner not doing the dishes makes you feel disrespected or unloved. Understanding the why of being angry shows you that it’s not really about the dishes, but maybe something deeper.
Make sure you are listening to understand. When we are in conflict, we can have this mentality that we need to prove our point. We need to win. You and your partner are on the same team and hopefully want the same things. Listening to understand will help you see their perspective and find a resolution to the conflict.
Get curious. Conflict can bring out the worst in us. Renowned social worker and author Brené Brown said we can get scary when we are scared. Fear makes us do crazy things, things we normally wouldn’t do. Make sure you are curious about your partner’s perspective. You need to listen to what your partner is saying and be curious. It’s important to ask for clarification, as well as seek understanding. When you are not sure about something, ask your partner and try to see it from their perspective. You may find out the reason they have not been doing the dishes is not because they don’t want to, but because they feel overwhelmed with work and are afraid of getting behind and getting fired. It puts things into perspective when we are curious.
Know how and when to regulate your emotions. This can be tricky, as when we are in conflict, we may be defensive with our partner. And emotions are likely amped up. It is important for you to know how to regulate your emotions. If a conflict is getting too intense, take a break alone and check your emotions. Engage in something that calms you. I’m thinking controlled breathing, listening to music. Really anything to help you feel grounded without the urge to cuss out your partner. When our emotions are all over the place, we can say and do things we regret.
Of course, this is only a snippet of what you can do to create healthy conflict and healthy relationships.
Healthy relationships and healthy conflict, of course, are possible and desirable. But they take practice. Sometimes lots of practice.
And the steps noted above also apply to relationships with family, friends, and co-workers. Really, anyone who can sometimes get under your skin.
If you feel that you need more guidance, couples counseling is an excellent tool in figuring out how to engage in healthy conflict.
We all deserve healthy relationships, and with that, we should know how to engage in healthy conflict.
(Note: If you feel that you are in an abusive situation, keep yourself safe and reach out for help. Go to www.thehotline.org or call 800.799.SAFE [7233] )
Ryan Rutkowski, a licensed clinical social worker, is a school-based/outpatient mental health therapist at the Cocoa-based Lifetime Counseling Center. For more information about LCC, go to LCCBrevard.org
This article originally appeared on Florida Today: Conflict can be healthy opportunity for a couple to build stronger bond
