'Gentle-Ish' Parenting Is What Black Parents Have Been Waiting For

Gentle parenting requires a level of patience that many parents can't always muster. These small adjustments make it a much more realistic practice.

When you think back to how you were raised, you‘re likely to have a spectrum of memories ranging from fond to upsetting. Our parents shaped the formative years of our lives as well as our early adulthood through their choice of parenting style, influencing everything from our self-esteem, personality, social development, academic achievement, and more. Most importantly, how you were parented directly relates to how you choose to raise your own children.

Using strict punishment—sometimes physically—to make children conform to unrealistic expectations was once upon a time normalized, especially among Black parents. Pew Research found that Black parents nowadays are still more likely to use corporal punishment as part of their parenting compared to other races. While this has been in decline for decades, yelling has also been found to have similar effects to physical punishment in children.

According to studies, adults who experienced verbal hostility and low nurturance as a child are more likely to transfer this trauma to their own children. Other studies also show that if you were exposed to physical punishment such as spanking as a child, you are more likely to use this type of punishment as a parent yourself. In general, harsher disciplinary strategies can be linked to negative outcomes for children.

Breaking generational cycles of trauma means using a parenting style that doesn't leave our children mentally scarred. This is where gentle-ish parenting comes into play–a blend of kind and firm parenting that reinforces positive behaviors. It’s a modern take on authoritative parenting which is often regarded as the most effective of the four main parenting styles.

Giving Children New Autonomy

Gentle-ish parenting offers an alternative to impulsive and punitive discipline which can often have harmful repercussions to a child‘s development. It’s rooted in age-appropriate expectations, responsiveness to children’s needs, nurturing and affectionate communication, openness, and mutual respect. But it's different from gentle parenting in that there are clear boundaries, limits, and consequences. The caregiver is ultimately the authority and though children are treated with respect, they also learn to respect their parents as human beings.

“One difference between an authoritative parenting approach and gentle-ish parenting is that with the latter, the child and parent are in partnership with each other,” says Dr. Traci Williams, a board-certified clinical psychologist. “While authoritative parenting has demonstrated positive effects on children’s development, the parent is the one in control and the one who sets the tone for discipline.”

It takes away “because I said so” and replaces it with reasonable explanations and teachable moments. This ultimately provides a healthy basis for the preferred behavior to be modeled by your child. Essentially, you treat your child how you want to be treated. According to research, parenting this way can help reduce anxiety in children and build up their mental health and resilience.

Lisa Jean-Francois, founder of consciouslylisa.com and mother of two, says that it’s all about respect. “I respect my children as whole, autonomous beings who are worthy of the same respect that I would demand for myself. So in our day-to-day interactions, we subscribe to a no hitting, no yelling, no threatening, no punishing, no shaming household. It’s sort of a “do unto others as you would have done unto you” vibe for both children and adults alike.”

She explains that while she uses the term “gentle parenting” for social media/SEO purposes, she subscribes to conscious parenting. “It is essentially the same thing, with more of an emphasis on the caregiver/parent vs. the child. I was first introduced to this kind of parenting in the Facebook group Decolonized Parenting, then I read Dr. Shefali’s The Conscious Parent, followed by Dr. Stacey Patton’s Spare the Kids: Why Whupping Children Won't Save Black America and the rest is history.”

Gentle-ish parenting is focused on parents being intentional with their actions and words. It’s also about teaching children the power of their voice as well as setting boundaries. Jean-Francois says that she has noticed positive changes since adopting the parenting style. “It’s opened up the communication and really allowed for a strong connection to take hold. I know my child today in a way I did not three years ago.”

For Black parents and their children in particular, gentle-ish parenting could be a game changer that deviates from the usual tough love. “It was the way of our ancestors,” Jean-Francois explains. “Due to colonization and the Trans-Atlantic slave trade most Black parents today operate under the false premise that Black children need harsher parenting to survive the ‘real world.’”

She says that unfortunately, this belief system was born out of fear and oppression. “We believe that if we don’t parent with brute force, our children will fall victim to ‘The White Man.’ However, research suggests that prior to colonization, indigenous cultures did not parent harshly. Children were respected and treated as children should be treated. So in essence gentle parenting is simply going back to our roots, and parenting our children the way many of our ancestors wanted to.”

Dr. Williams agrees, adding that historically, Black families have faced significant stressors that persist to this day and influence their parenting style. “The effects of trauma linger in our genes. Intergenerational trauma puts our children at risk for a myriad of health, educational, and socioemotional challenges.”

“Caregiving approaches such as gentle parenting can be healing, providing today’s children with the tools to self-regulate, exercise decision-making, feel validated and respected, all while forming secure attachments with their parents,” Dr. Williams continues. “This sets them up for later success both socially and emotionally. Children of the gentle parenting approach feel empowered and that means a lot in a world where Black children are likely to experience disenfranchisement.”

Striking a Balance

While some critics belittle gentle-ish parenting as submissive and ineffective, Jean-Francois says it’s an important way to raise Black children. “I’m routinely told that I am raising mass shooters and that I need to leave that ‘white people mess’ alone. Unfortunately, much of this thinking is due to the generations of conditioning we received at the hands of colonizers. Once you endeavor to become a conscious parent, however, you unpack all of that thinking, and work diligently to parent from a place of consciousness and intention.”

She says the issue with those critical of her parenting choices simply don’t understand what gentle-ish parenting is. “All too often folks think it literally means being gentle 24/7. Sure, we don’t hit or yell at our kids. But that doesn’t mean we don’t hold them accountable or discipline them. We don’t live in a bubble. Our children interact with the world all the time. And because they are not accustomed to being treated with disrespect when confronted with it, they know how to shut it down right away. They also understand boundaries. They enforce their own and respect those of others.”

Importantly, Dr. Williams acknowledges that the gentle-ish parenting model offers leeway so that parents don’t succumb to the pressure they feel to get it right every time. “Particularly with parents who follow gentle parenting guidance on social media, they have a hard time when they feel frustrated by their child or lose their temper. These parents have described wanting to emulate others online, without acknowledging that we only get glimpses at content creator parents’ lives.”

She is a fan of the gentle-ish approach because it gives parents room to have bad days. “Parents need to give themselves grace, remember that there is no perfect parent and that by handling their emotions and processing their emotional reactions with their child, they are still passing on valuable lessons.”

When considering how to approach parenting, it’s crucial to let go of expecting perfection from children, and from yourself. More and more parents are seeking a middle ground and rethinking how to raise children and approach discipline, and gentle-ish parenting seems to hit the sweet spot. It’s unsurprising that parents are latching onto this style of parenting—many are eager to be the antithesis of their parents who didn't cut them as much slack.

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