These Genius Tips Will Help You Avoid Family Stress During the Holidays
This year has been unusual, to say the least. And since the holidays tend to be a time of heightened emotion—sometimes beautiful, sometimes painful—you may be feeling extra apprehensive about “the most wonderful time of the year.”
While you’ll probably face the same stressors you do every holiday season, there may be new challenges thrown into the mix this year, thanks to COVID-19, social unrest, and a polarizing election. A key point to remember: Having a “normal” holiday may not be the goal to strive for.
“Our way of life has changed, but that doesn’t have to be stressful if we view change with a sense of adventure,” says life coach Treiva Williams. “Use this time to discuss the changes you have experienced with your entire family, and encourage one another as you find ways to adapt and start new family traditions.”
But to find peace this season, you may also need to rethink your perception of conflict. “Most people don’t like conflict, and that comes from their upbringing,” says conflict resolution strategist Lynne Maureen Hurdle. “Many were raised to believe conflict was negative and something to be avoided. In actuality, the only thing that has created real change in the world is conflict.”
Here’s how to start making positive change in three common areas of strife:
When there’s arguing at the dinner table
“The most stressful time for my clients is the holidays, because of the disagreements around politics, family dynamics, and religious beliefs,” Hurdle says. “People either dread going to holiday parties or decide that this year they won’t attend because of the stress involved when these topics arise.”
If you do choose to attend, Hurdle recommends being clear on where you stand on issues important to you. “I would have given different advice a year ago, but this is a unique time, and we are witnessing cultural shifts,” she says. “Think about where you can be flexible and where you need to draw a line.” Because there will always be guests who want to push buttons by debating hot topics, Hurdle offers ideas for de-escalating hurtful conflict:
Set boundaries before the holiday dinner. You could say, “Mom, I’m happy that we’re all getting together for the holidays, but this is an especially stressful time. I’d like to keep the conversation to topics that don’t lead us into the usual arguments we have when we’re together.”
Take a break. If things get too heated during a political discussion, you can say, “I see this is leading to a place where we usually disagree. I’m not going to be participating in this conversation. In fact, I’m going to get up and take a little break.” Then go somewhere and take a few deep breaths.
Listen more than you speak. Listening deeply helps you understand your loved ones’ opinions. Ask a clarifying question such as “Could you share more about that topic?” Once you have clarity, say something like, “That’s one way of looking at it. Here’s my perspective.”
While political discussions can be uncomfortable, Hurdle says conversations that allow everyone a chance to speak and listen can be beneficial. “Family members whose views are different than yours can expose you to alternate thinking,” she says. “Gaining knowledge about various perspectives helps you think about your own ideas and beliefs.”
When you’ve experienced loss
If someone important is gone, the holidays take on a different character. “It’s supposed to be a time of celebration, and everyone around you is expecting you to be happy,” says grief educator V. Ophelia Rigault. “If that’s not what you’re feeling inside, then this time of year is hard.”
Beloved traditions get tough too. “If your loved one always made a special meal or was the person who held the family together, it can feel as if the sense of normalcy has been taken away,” Rigault says. Here is her guidance for addressing your grief:
Be honest about your emotions. Don’t succumb to pressure to heal according to others’ expectations or put on a happy face when you’re grieving. If you’re not up to celebrating, it’s OK to bow out of gatherings that may be emotionally challenging.
Honor the person’s memory. Consider volunteering for a cause your loved one would have supported. Being altruistic may help bring healing and reduce feelings of grief.
Write a letter. This is a powerful exercise in healing grief, especially if you didn’t have the opportunity to say goodbye to your loved one. Write your emotions in the letter and read it out loud—alone or with family.
Though there is no timeline for grieving, Rigault says the best way to move through it is to seek support. “There’s an emotional benefit to being around people you love during the holidays, as they empathize with your feelings and can offer comfort,” she says.
When the family sees food as love
In many households, declining a slice of Grandma’s pie is not OK. “Food is a great way to bring loved ones together, but it can also be a cause of tension,” says Amy Gorin, R.D.N. Many families equate food with love, showering guests with dishes they’ve spent hours creating: They want to make others happy with food. This makes saying no a difficult task—and if you’re the cook, hearing it can be hard too. Here’s how Gorin suggests navigating these issues:
Bring your own food. This can be easiest for you, but if you’re concerned that your host might be insulted, highlight that you’re aiming to alleviate stress for them. You could say, “I have so many dietary restrictions that I wouldn’t dream of having you cook a special meal just for me! I’m going to bring sides and a dessert that I can eat. I’ll have enough for everyone to try if they’d like.”
Pack it up for later. If you really don’t want any dessert but think you or someone in your household may want some later, you could tell Grandma, “I so appreciate that you made my favorite dessert! I’m stuffed from the delicious meal, though. Could I take a piece to eat tomorrow?”
Ask about dietary restrictions ahead of time. If you’re the host, you can then figure out your menu based on your guests’ answers—and you’ll be less likely to get surprised and hurt by having someone turn down a dish you worked hard on.
You can show your family how much they mean to you in many other ways. “Consider giving everyone a handwritten card or a small gift bag with de-stressors such as tea bags and essential oils,” Gorin says. “Remember that holidays are about celebrating the important people in your life.” —With reporting by Shanon Lee
This article originally appeared in the November 2020 issue of Prevention.
Go here to join Prevention Premium (our best value, all-access plan), subscribe to the magazine, or get digital-only access.
You Might Also Like
