"Stop Only Dating Your Type": Gay Men Over 30 Are Sharing Their Dating Advice For Younger Queers, And It's Heartwarming

I'm a gay man who didn't start actually dating until his late twenties. I often blame my lack of dating experience on the fact that I wasn't 'out' in high school, and feel like I missed out on formative teenage dating experiences — a super common sentiment among queer men.

So, when I came across these threads of dating advice from gay men over 30 years old, I was immediately intrigued. Here are the golden pieces of advice that stuck out to me:

1."Work on your stuff (therapy, friends, journaling, silent retreats, however you need to), but don't wait until you're finished working on yourself to date. You'll never be finished. If the guy you are dating has stuff and is not working on it, walk away."

2."Don’t go in with the expectation of a relationship. Go in expecting to get to know someone. It’s a mistake I made repeatedly early on. Focusing on making a relationship ignores the key ingredient — a partner. Someone else cannot make you happy. The best relationships are for sharing happiness."

—u/Prince_Marth, 35–39 years old

3."As a gay person, because we are a minority and spread out, you have to create opportunities where you can have regular interactions with large groups of gay people. For some guys, this used to be a gay bar, but these days it can be anything really — find some hobby, sport, or social activity that appeals to you and search for a group in your area, and if one doesn't exist, create it! The same goes if you have a fetish. Even if you don't meet the love of your life through the group, it will be easier to make friends with gay guys who have other friends not in the group that you could end up hitting it off with."

4."'You can be the juiciest, ripest, plumpest, most beautiful and delicious peach in the whole wide world...and you'll still run into people who don't like peaches.' In other words, focus on making yourself into the very best peach you can be. At worst, you'll be delicious. And at best, you'll find somebody that loves peaches."

Sony Pictures Classics / Via giphy.com

—u/roferg69, 40–44 years old

5."Stop only dating your type."

—u/armh1313

6."Because we're gay, teenage romantic experiences are not the norm for many of us. We didn't have high school sweethearts, or at least not openly. So the foundations of romantic relationships don't happen until much later for most of us — we're on a whole different learning curve. So be patient. Believe in yourself. You'll figure it out. It just takes time, and that timeline is only your own business. Dating is about learning who you are, what you're into, what is acceptable behavior to you and what isn't, and learning about where your sexual boundaries are. You're going to kiss a lot of frogs, but that's the point of dating. Many see the endgame as marriage or monogamy, though not everyone. Through dating, you'll discover what it is you want."

7."The beautiful thing about the gay community is that there is no one version of conventional beauty. Guys are just into what they’re into and you’ll never know what it is unless you shoot your shot. It was Armistead Maupin who once said, 'The one thing people tend to overlook in gay men is their ability to sexualize anything.'"

—deleted

8."Not everyone you fall in love with is relationship material. You shouldn't have to make a relationship work. It works or it doesn't. Don't settle for one that doesn't just to not feel alone. Trust me on this. If you think being lonely when you're alone is bad, feeling lonely while in a (supposed) relationship is orders of magnitude worse."

9."One of the most unattractive qualities a person can display is a sign they will be codependent. Conversely, among the most attractive things you can be is secure in yourself and where you are going in your life. It's ideal to get to the place where a date is a nice, fun thing you do but you're fine whether it goes somewhere or goes nowhere. The stronger sense of self-security and self-stability you have, the more attractive you will be as a mate, rather than just as a date."

NBC / Via giphy.com

—u/FloridAsh, 35–39 years old

10."Everyone is an asshole sometimes. If you can forgive quickly, be grateful, and try to be 'Prince Charming' for others instead of spending your life looking for someone to be your prince, you'll avoid a lot of regret."

—u/Jfathomphx, 35–39 years old

11."Infatuation is a wild, powerful, and exciting high. Don't let that high make you do stupid things or be taken advantage of. Don't throw away someone decent and kind when that high crashes down between six months and year into the relationship. With a bit of effort and time, you can become infatuated again and again with someone you care about, and that's what love is."

12."I'd suggest to first learn to go on dates. It can be intimidating at first, but to find a compatible partner takes some work and weeding out the non-compatible ones. Of course be yourself, but you might want to level up your social skills, since that's kind of the key element to get dates."

13."All relationships are sacrifice. How much of your time, attention, money, etc. are you willing to spend on this other person? And how much do you expect from them? It’s not always easy but that’s the agreement."

—u/bswiv, 30–34 years old

14."Don’t look for your twin. Look for someone who will empower you, and won’t put you down. Be ready to learn from your differences, and be ready to share who you really are."

—u/gsousa, 35–39 years old

"Find someone that bolsters you and makes up for your weaker attributes and you may complement theirs. My husband and I seem like opposites at times, but we complement each other in a lot of ways." —u/pluiesansfin, 35-39 years old

15."It's a little trickier because of the pandemic, but when you find a guy on the apps, find a way to move from chatting on the apps to meeting in real life ASAP. Asking if a guy is free to meet for coffee later the same day, or tomorrow, isn’t needy, trust me. Avoid setting up the first date too far into the future — the likelihood of actually meeting shrinks every day you wait to meet after 'meeting' on the apps. Get a face to the name/profile, then move towards making it a human to human interaction."

CsaK / Via giphy.com

"And once you’ve got a date setup, I recommend avoid texting back and forth. Save the 'getting to know you' part until you meet up — makes it more fun." —u/gopher646, 40–44 years old

"The apps only work if you let the people you are interested about know you are interested, and carry the conversation to the point where you meet up in person — a date. The best dates I've been on were simple things like a cup of coffee, a walk or going to movies." —u/Turbojugend-berserk, over 30 years old

16."Find someone that shows interests in you. So many guys chase men who play them. That's okay if you just want fun, but not healthy for a relationship."

—u/bswiv, 30–34 years old

17."There is no one that will fit that unachievable idea of perfection in your head. We're all people, and fallible. If you find someone you connect with on some level that is trustworthy, reliable, loving, and cares for you, it's worth it to give them a chance."

—u/pluiesansfin, 35–39 years old

18."Look for guys who have curiosity about life: Most people bounce between social-media fads and an advertising-induced shopping spree to fill the void in their lives. No one is perfect, but a guy who is relationship material will be genuinely interested in something about life. You should have a hobby, too, because they will be slowly working on improving themselves. Those are the guys who are worth your time dating."

19."If he's into you, he'll let you know. If he's not, you'll be confused."

—u/deleted

20."Ask him to wear a condom until you get HIV tests together at the beginning of your relationship, and three months after that. It's important to know your status, and be comfortable with each other about it."

YoMeryl / Via giphy.com

—deleted

21."Look for guys who aren't so set in their ways, where every choice, opinion, and thought is rigid. It's normal to develop preferences for certain things when you reach a certain age, but some guys are just so set in their ways that they won't budge when it comes to new experiences. I once dated a guy who had a strict morning schedule for workouts before work. It was so strict that he didn't have any real openings for spending time on dates, unless it was on his schedule."

22."Try to avoid preemptively saying 'no' to things that you haven't tried out of fear. If you haven’t tried anything, then chances are what you're aiming for is not what your whole being actually enjoys. What you are aiming for is likely what your conscious mind thinks you will enjoy. Listening to this voice too much can lead you astray. That’s not to say what you think you want isn’t a good starting point. But use it as such. It’s just square one. Once you get a taste of that, let your lived, real-time experience be your guide. Say 'yes.'"

23."If you're willing to try it, try no sex until the fourth date. By date two, he will be bored and move on. If the guy likes you, tell him up front: Four full dates til you have sex. Most guys will just move on."

Fox / Via giphy.com

—u/tommyguns007

24."Stop being shocked by repeated behavior. If someone has continuously shown you they aren't a good texter, stop expecting them to be. Notice patterns and believe them."

—deleted

25."If your partner does drugs or has heavy alcohol use issues, you don't have to abandon them, but consider that you probably shouldn't date them at this moment. And if you must date this person, do not enable them — are they in the hospital and asking to leave against medical advice despite the fact that they're having withdrawal? Then you should not be giving them a ride home."

26."Rejection is not as personal as it feels. Liking someone or being liked is more about compatibility than inherent worth."

—deleted

27."Relationships take work. Don't give up at the first sign of trouble, but also know when to cut your losses. There's an inordinate amount of damaged-beyond-repair men in our community. Some of them need more time and therapy. Some of them are better off as friends and lovers than husbands. People in a relationship must be willing to compromise to make the relationship work. It cannot be a one-sided thing."

ABC / Via giphy.com

—u/pluiesansfin, 35–39 years old

"Get clear on what you want to give in a relationship, not just what you want to receive. What unique value do you bring to a partnership?" —deleted

28."Show affection, and try to tailor the amount and type of affection you give to the amount your partner wants. With any luck, they'll do the same for you. Differences exist, but there has to be some compromise."

Freeform / Via giphy.com

—u/hillthekhore, 30–34 years old

29."If they expect you to chase them or compete for them with other guys, cut them out of your life. A common misconception of 'fighting for love' is that it's a constant thing. It's not. You should absolutely build up the courage and let the person know you're attracted to that you love them, and care for them. But don't enable guys who try to string you along, and set you against other guys. Those guys are narcissistic as hell, and are not worth it."

"Even if you end up getting them, you don't win. They will find other games to play on you." —u/AquamanBWonderful, 30–34 years old

30.And finally, "Your love life is one area of your life. Don't forget to nurture the rest."

What advice resonated with you? What are your own pieces of dating advice you'd give other queer men? Let me know in the comments.

Note: Submissions have been edited for length and/or clarity. 

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