Gary Brown: Finding good fortune in a psychic promise

One of my favorite Steven Wright jokes is this question: "Why do psychics have to ask you your name?"

Robin Williams once posed a similar question.

"If it's the Psychic Network," Williams once queried, "why do they need a phone number."

Gary Brown: More questions about the meaning of life

You would think they already would know. Even Johnny Carson's "Carnac the Magnificent," the "mystic from the east," knew the answers to questions before Ed McMahon asked them after he opened the envelopes that contained them.

"I hold in my hand the envelopes," McMahon would tell the audience. "As a child of 4 can plainly see, these envelopes have been hermetically sealed. They've been kept in a mayonnaise jar on Funk and Wagnalls' porch since noon today. No one knows the contents of these envelopes – but you, in your mystical and borderline divine way, will ascertain the answers having never before heard the questions."

Now THAT'S a psychic, at least in the admittedly "borderline" way.

I don't know about the rest of the seers. Neither did Jay Leno, Carson's "Tonight Show" successor.

"Something to think about," Leno once began a joke in his routine, "How come you never see a headline like 'Psychic Wins Lottery'?"

A lot of psychics still are working, so apparently none of them have conjured up the right numbers lately.

Psychics apparently abound

The Psychic Friends Network from the 1990s that Robin Williams was joking about no longer exists. But, I'm sure many of you have heard the radio commercials for California Psychics.

"Your reading will be life-changing," it boasts, "or it's free!"

Now, according to its website, California Psychics has a dozen "Premier Psychics" – "our top psychic advisors" – and by that I mean they charge $17 to $20 a minute to talk to you on the telephone or chat with you on a computer.

Beyond that, the California Psychics website lists 12 "Staff Picks," equally as many "Rising Stars," and also a dozen "New Psychics," some of whom are available to consult for as little as a dollar a minute, if you care to have a future that's only worth a buck.

That's a lot of know-it-alls.

Still, it's just a drop in the bucket of predictions. An online website that tracks such things suggests that there are almost 100 competitors to California Psychics and the California company of seers ranks fourth among the field.

I have no idea what criteria is used to rank the psychics. Do they count happy face emojis in reviews by satisfied customers posting on their Facebook pages?

I got an email the other day from a psychic guy offering only the name James who billed himself as "medium, spirit and specialist of the Tarot." He wanted me to pick three cards so he could give me a Tarot reading that would be "so precise it's shocking."

"I have lots of things to tell you,” he promised. "Certain things have been kept from you..."

Like his last name?

Maintains a belief in psychics

Don't get me wrong. It's not that I don't believe in psychics. I figure there are a lot of people who know me better than I do myself. There had better be. I have days when I have no idea what I should be doing.

So, I am more than willing to take random spiritual advice about my future.

If lotto drawings get up around a billion dollars, and I have what I perceive are six lucky birthday dates coming up in my family, I'll figure God is giving me a sign to play those numbers.

I buy a lot of take-out Chinese food, and when the slip of paper I find in a fortune cookie says "Good news will come to you today by mail," I'll buy into it and walk to the mailbox, even if the last three times I got a fortune like that it was only junk mail or bills.

During commercial breaks on television, I sometimes read my own palm lines because it gives me a boost of my spirit. All my lines − life, heart, money, and head − are long, essentially guaranteeing me health and vitality, love and emotion, career and fortune, and intelligence and mentality. So, I've got a lot going for me. Of course, at my age, I've got many long lines. Read my face and you'll see some pretty prosperous lines.

I don't know if psychics would see it that way. I've never talked to one.

I'm probably not going to talk to one now, either, even though California Psychics has that money back guarantee.

At the end of the conversation, I suppose I could try claiming it wasn't a life-changing conversation.

"It was nice talking to you, but no, nothing in my life has changed. I'm still going to have to go out now and mow the grass."

Probably none of you are psychics, but what do you predict the chances are that they would allow me to break-even and get my money back to pay a lawn care company?

Reach Gary at gary.brown.rep@gmail.com. On Twitter: @gbrownREP.

This article originally appeared on The Alliance Review: Gary Brown: Can you find good fortune in a psychic's promise?