Funny obituary: Barberton native Marguerite F. Stephan leaves us with a smile
I never met Marguerite F. Stephan, but I sure wish I had. The Barberton native had a wonderful sense of humor — as evidenced by her obituary in the Beacon Journal.
Did you see it? Written in her own words, it references everything from bird droppings to gold lipstick to fig leaves.
I don’t think I’ve ever laughed so hard while reading an obituary.
We’ve reprinted it below just in case you missed it.
Rest in peace, Marguerite. Thanks for leaving us with a smile.
Marguerite F. Stephan
I, Marguerite F. Stephan passed away on April 14, 2024, at the tender age of 89 after a courageous battle with beauty and sarcasm. I hope I was as glamorous in death as I was in life! I was predeceased by my loving and generous parents Margaret and Frank Kluka, as well as my cherished son, Darryl James. I am survived by my three wonderful daughters Allison Ann, Madeleine Marie, and Caroline Christine. The name alliteration was intentional for clever monograms. I also leave behind a sister, Mary Ann, who I lovingly bullied as a child. She learned at an early age that bird droppings were not really peppermint flavored. I’m not sure why we weren’t closer.
I found enjoyment in my favorite things — playing Bridge, drinking tea, watching Turner Classic Movies, shopping for hours on end, and wearing the most smashing shade of Clinique lipstick, Golden Brandy. I hope I can find a similar hue in the afterworld!
To my six beautiful grandchildren, Michelle, Marissa, Maxwell, Jackson, Carson, and Kenton, I have inadvertently taught you how to swear. Please remember to only use profanity if you are truly passionate about something. Using expletives as adjectives in every sentence is simply gauche!
To my dear friends Marilyn, Marjory, and George, I’ll see you on the other side. Take your time. I'll be the one wearing a fig leaf.
I have requested that private graveside services be held at a later date because I think funerals are depressing and let’s be honest, no one looks good in a coffin!
If this obituary offends you, lighten up! I was voted most humorous of Barberton High School, Class of 1953!
Special memories of Marguerite can be shared with her family online at www.heritagecremationsociety.com
Last thoughts on eclipse
If you’re reading this, you obviously wore protective glasses during the solar eclipse. Good job.
Larry L. Miller saw several photographs of totality that were captured during the April 8 celestial event, but he wasn’t too impressed.
He recalls getting similar images with a 35mm single-lens reflex camera.
“I used to do those all the time,” he said. “It was called ‘Leaving the Lens Cap On.’ ”
Oh, Larry, you kidder.
Meanwhile, Len Rose of Fairlawn shared this family exchange:
“I informed my twin brother that I had been invited to an eclipse watching party for over 80 people,” Rose wrote. “He replied, ‘You’re under 80.’ ”
Ba-dum-bump.
The next total solar eclipse in Ohio won’t be until 2099. We’ll come up with some more jokes by then.
Feeling unmotivated?
According to a new study, the 10 most unmotivated job roles in Ohio are:
1. Call center representatives.
2. Bookkeepers.
3. Data entry clerks.
4. Administrative assistants.
5. Claims adjusters and processors.
6. Bank tellers and finance customer service representatives.
7. Telemarketers.
8. Language translators.
9. Fast food and service industry workers.
10. Human resources assistants.
Nobody asked me, but I don’t feel like doing anything today either.
This and that
1. Cleveland TV website headline: “Local schools dismissed early for gas odor.” When I was a kid, we just blamed Timmy.
2. The Montrose shopping area has a name. So does Belden Village. So does Chapel Hill. Why isn’t there a snazzy name for the retail mecca at Interstate 77 and Arlington Road in Green and Coventry?
3. An Akron man was charged with criminal damaging and resisting arrest after he allegedly spray-painted graffiti on an East Crosier Street building. Deputies didn’t have to travel too far to book him. The building was the Summit County Jail.
4. Coincidence? Pepper Pike is only 4 miles from Shaker Heights.
5. How do you know when you’re at a bad Greek restaurant? Instead of shouting “Opa!” the waiters yell “Alpo!”
Mark J. Price can be reached at mprice@thebeaconjournal.com
Oops! Classic bloopers from the collection of Mark J. Price
This article originally appeared on Akron Beacon Journal: Marguerite F. Stephan obituary will make you laugh
