Funny or infuriating? The divisive issue of jokey train announcers
A few years ago, on a fresh October morning, I boarded a Northern train from Middlesbrough to Grosmont. As we passed through the purple heather moors of the Esk Valley I entered a sort of meditative state, the kind you can only achieve while watching the world zoom by from the window of a rail carriage. But as we rolled into Glaisdale, a voice punctured the peace.
“Tom, he aspired to earn some glass, in order to marry this girl of class,” a man said, in a sing-song Yorkshire accent. What was going on?
“I’ll go to sea, that’s where my fortune lies, but they were unable to say their goodbyes.” Oh God. The reality dawned on me, and everyone else. We were the victims of a poem. And worse still, it was being recited by a train conductor, the very man with the authority to throw annoying people off the train.
Remarkably, by stanza 23 (or thereabouts) the conductor had won over his audience. As he uttered the final couplet the train rolled past Beggar’s Bridge, the subject of his poem, and he received a ripple of applause.
What this train conductor (who, later, I discovered to be one Graham Palmer, subject of a 2015 BBC Tees local news piece) achieved on this morning was rare. He got train passengers smiling. The reactions towards creative train announcements, however, are not always so jolly.
Fast forward to a rainy January morning in 2024. As my 7.55am Southern train pulled out of Lewes towards London Victoria, a voice erupted on the tannoy.
“Next stop iiiis, Cooksbridge,” the conductor said in a deliberately goofy voice, somewhere between bingo caller and a female Alan Partridge. A cloak of gloom descended on the carriage as passengers, scrolling on their phones, spluttering into their sleeves, realised that they faced a full hour of this, again. One man sighed and put on his headphones. And that man was me.
On another day, in a different mood, it would have been a different story. She’s a regular, and she’s had me smiling before. As has the announcer who broke into a soliloquy as the train arrived into Gatwick Airport, mourning the sad end to the glory days of flying: “Champagne, silver service… those were the days,” he said, to a jam-packed train full of stressed, luggage-strained passengers. I caught a few smiles, among the ennui.
There are plenty of other examples. One Gatwick Express train conductor has been celebrated on social media for presenting her train announcements in fluent English, French and German. Another, a chap on Southern, has been recorded on a number of different videos, with passengers chuckling away at his innovative and wry comic announcements: (“We are now rolling into North Dulwich, where good neighbours become good friends”).
A spokesman for Govia Thameslink Railway (which manages Southern) said it doesn’t give specific training on how to liven up announcements, but they certainly aren’t discouraged.
“We’re delighted when our train crew brighten customers’ journeys with a bit of humour or personal insight. It reminds people that we’re human and doing our best to deliver the best customer experience possible. This will always be done with safety in mind.”
It’s not just rail workers dishing out the comedy routines. In 2019, a DLR member of staff, Hus Ragip, went viral for his platform announcements performed in the style of American boxing MC Michael Buffer. The hobby paid off for Ragip, who made an appearance on ITV’s This Morning and went on to quit his job to become a professional boxing announcer.
Satirical train announcements are big business on the Tube. One commenter on a Reddit thread recalls the conductor at Green Park saying: “If you want to hold doors you can alight here and get a job at a hotel and you can get paid to hold doors open all day.” Another recites an apt football reference on the Victoria Line: “We’re now approaching Highbury and Islington. Passengers from Tottenham, please mind the gap.” Quite.
Somehow, when the joviality is pre-recorded and less impromptu, it misfires. Try telling me that you still smile when you hear, within the confines of a stinking Virgin train toilet: “Please don’t flush nappies, sanitary towels, paper towels, gum, old phones, unpaid bills, junk mail, your ex’s sweater, hopes, dreams or goldfish down this toilet.”
It appears to be a uniquely British thing. Telegraph correspondents in Spain, Italy and Greece say that they have never heard witty announcements – in Switzerland they “keep to a strict time-keeping script,” says our expert Tim Jepson. Jamie Ball in Ireland says that up until 15 years ago they were more common, but that train announcements have become increasingly functional and boring.
Lee Cobaj, a Telegraph Travel writer based in Hong Kong, said there is at least some light relief to be found on the rails. “All of our announcements are automated. I actually can’t ever recall a conductor making an announcement. But the MTR does have a rather quirky safety campaign at the moment though, involving horny grannies and AI-generated schoolgirls,” she said. Another exception is Australia, where one Marcel Lattouf recently struck (moderate) fame for lacing pop tunes and fun facts into his announcements.
The verdict? Mark Smith, the man behind the blog The Man in Seat 61, who knows Britain’s rails better than anyone else, believes it’s a force for good. But he says it all depends on execution: “Done well and not in excess, it can lift the tone of the journey and create a good vibe amongst passengers.”
Indeed, Smith, who used to work as a station manager at Charing Cross, says that even he has dabbled before: “I once announced a train cancellation over the tannoy at Charing Cross as ‘due to a cock-up’ (which it was),” he said. “I could hear the laughter rising from the concourse from inside the control room.”
