Your Everything Guide to How to French Kiss
It can be helpful to think of French kissing, or the act of kissing with tongue, as a dance that takes practice to get just right, explains Shamyra Howard, sexologist and licensed clinical social worker at On the Green Couch. Just like dancing, Frenching is a give and take between both partners that’s seen as especially both passionate and sensual, Howard adds.
The origins of why this kissing style is "French" are murky. Some say it hints at the stereotype that French people are generally known to be promiscuous. Anne, a 31-year-old French woman, thinks it has more to do with the French word for "tongue,” as their word, langue is the same as the word for language. Kissing is a love language, when you think about it.
No matter if you’ve yet to French kiss, or you’ve Frenched plenty (there’s always room to learn new things), there are ways to prepare. Here’s our basic, step-by-step guide to kissing with tongue:
First, a few things to keep in mind:
It’s totally fine to just not be into Frenching. While kissing terminology basically categorizes The French kiss and then all other kinds of kisses in a secondary bucket: there’s nothing wrong with you if you absolutely hate French kissing, aka kissing with tongues. “It’s okay if you’re not fond of French kissing,” says N. Jasmine Johnson-DeCosta, a licensed therapist at Blue Pearl Therapy. “We are all wired differently and have our personal intimate preferences,” she adds. You should feel empowered to let your partner know that you aren’t into it, and offer insight on things you do enjoy, she explains.
On the flip side, you’ve got to be okay with the fact that your partner might not be into Frenching. “Keep in mind that not everyone is okay with swapping spit, even with long-term partners or spouses,” adds Howard. Don’t be offended if your partner just isn’t into it — it’s not you (or your tongue) necessarily, so much as it might be a personal thing for them.
While Frenching might be seen as heavy-PDA in the U.S., it’s not like that everywhere. “Culturally, the French kiss is the ‘For your eyes only’ kiss,” explains Shan Boodram, sex educator, “seen as an intimate act similar to light groping and thus not something you casually witness in public areas.” Yet, outside of North America, perceptions aren’t always so prudish. “I remember when I went to Hungary there were people French kissing in the mall and no one batted an eyelid,” says Boodram, adding, “it isn't that the act is inherently too provocative for public, it's just in North America we have been socialized to see it as such.”
Don’t be afraid to speak up if you want more or less of something. Be compassionate and give directions on what you want to experience differently, suggests Tyomi Morgan, certified sexologist and pleasure coach at Glamerotica101.
Now, onto the steps:
Step 1: Establish a kissing partner
You could kiss the hole your hand makes when you form it into a fist, but your hand doesn't have a tongue and can't kiss back. So it's generally best to kiss a consenting and willing human partner on their mouth.
Maybe it's someone you have a crush on? Or someone you're dating? Or a cute boy you agree to meet with in a movie theater? It doesn't matter! They should just be someone who's tongue you wanna feel in your mouth.
Step 2: Decide upon a kissing location
From my own experience, I can say the back row of a movie theater is perfectly fine. But you could try anywhere: A field with a nice breeze, a sports field under the buzzing lights, your porch after a date, a park bench, etc.
Some places you might not want to kiss? Anywhere that's stinky, because that's gross. And maybe save it for later if you're in front of your parents or in the middle of a crowded restaurant and people are waiting for your table. In other words, just make sure you both feel comfortable and have adequate privacy.
Step 3: Locate your partner's mouth
This is crucial, as you don't want to miss their mouth and wind up thrusting your tongue in their nostril or eyeball. You laugh, but it has definitely happened.
Step 3: Warm up with light touches and pecks
You have to walk before you can run, and you have to regular kiss before you can French kiss. It is very unpleasant and uncool for someone to jam their tongue directly into another person's mouth! You can prepare for this however you want, but general best practice is to start with something nice, like a gentle shoulder touch and some light pecks.
Step 4: Make extra sure they're DTMO
There are very few hard and fast rules when it comes to French kissing, but one is to always ensure your partner is DTMO, or down to make out. If they're not, return to light touches and pecking.
Step 5: Lean into the kiss
This is best done slowly, so you don't knock foreheads or noses, and cause an injury.
Step 6: Slowly part your lips
Before you slip your tongue into your partner's mouth, you should slowly, gently part your lips so they know what to expect. No one likes a tongue ambush.
Step 7: Place the tip of your tongue into their mouth
Thus begins the French portion of this kiss. Your tongue is bigger than you think, and it could be that your partner's mouth is smaller than it looks, so you should start this off by putting just a teensy bit of your tongue beyond their lips.
Step 8: Alternate speed and tongue pressure
Switch up your movements: Slip just a little bit of tongue in their mouth, then try a lot-a-bit. But don't keep your mouth gaping open the whole time (it's rude, and you'll drool). Instead, think of your two tongues as engaged in a dance—don't domineer their mouth, but let your two tongues work together.
If and when you need to come up for some air (although, you should be breathing through your nose when making out), retract your tongue and bite on your partner' lip. It's a hot move that will leave them begging for more.
Step 9: Kiss for as long as you both want
There are no rules for how long a French kiss should last. Maybe you are sick of this after only 10 seconds. That's fine! Maybe you kiss for so long your jaw hurts. Ouch! But that's also fine.
Step 10: Pull away and smile
It's nice to be smiled at. This reassures your partner you had a nice time... and hell yeah, you'd be down to kiss again.
Here's what the French deem as the basic etiquette rules of making out like a pro:
Do:
"Move with the other person, respond to cues, switch it up, just generally be in tune with each other and don't overthink it." –Iris, 23
"I believe is all in the connection you’ve got with the other person. Even if you are a good kisser, if you don’t put some emotions in it, that isn’t gonna be sensational." —Gaëlle, 18
"A good French kiss is a passionate one. If you’re just moving your lips and tongue around aimlessly, let’s just not and say we did..." —Constance, 24
"Actually liking the person makes a French kiss great. I always like it when a guy kisses me open mouth and lets ME set the pace—an exploratory French kiss. It's small at first and then you can go at it. And when they pull you in super close. I'm a fan of a butt grab or a hand on my neck." —Anne, 31
Don't:
"Churning their tongue around washing machine-style is pretty bad form, as is any kind of slobbering. I think a lot of these things come from overthinking kissing technique, or when the two people just aren't compatible. You can tell a lot about a relationship from how the (French) kissing feels." —Iris, 23
"The ONE thing that should never happen during a French kiss is putting your tongue down the throat of the other person. I’ve been there, it is really not sensual." —Gaelle, 18
"Get that slobber under control. And definitely read the vibe of how much the other person wants your tongue to move around. I’ve had both extremes of a tongue being a dead weight blob resting in their mouth, or a really aggressive tongue that seems to just wants to do some sparring with my tongue." —Constance, 24
"Never just immediately shove your entire tongue into my mouth, ESPECIALLY if you have a big tongue. I get it, it's great for going down on me, my mouth is not my vagina. Know you audience and organs. Also don't middle-school-dance me and try to french kiss me when our bodies aren't touching. I once had a guy go in for what I thought was a peck (our bodies were two feet apart) and it was tongue first. My ovaries instantly retracted into my sternum." —Anne, 31
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