“They Found Our Sex Drawer and Squirted Lube Everywhere”: 5 Stories of Playdates from Hell
My 3-year-old is obsessed with her school bestie. She talks about her all the time, apropos of nothing. It’s adorable. We even started a group text with the bestie’s parents so that we could joke about how cute they are together. So, when we finally got a playdate locked and loaded, I assumed it would go off without a hitch. Of course, if you want to make a 3-year-old laugh, make plans. One toddler? A challenge. Two toddlers? That’s a horror story waiting to happen. These two “besties” scream-cried over every toy in the lineup. When one kid wanted to hug, the other would respond with “I need space!” resulting in a vicious cycle of rejection. And when both sets of parents decided to cut our losses and end before lunch, both children—who’d been demonstrating they were not have fun—absolutely lost their sh*t. Our daughter had a tantrum so wild she kicked my husband in the balls, he yelled so many expletives we thought CPS would show up. Think that’s bad? I’ve collected five other playdate stories from hell. Take a read...if you dare...
Can I Offer You Some Meal Worms?
“I once picked my (at the time) 5-year old up from a playdate and realized, upon entering the apartment, that the people were total slobs/hoarders. Dishes piled up to the ceiling, dirty underwear on the floor and—I kid you not—dried meal worms all over the sofa. To make matters worse, after I cleared the meal worms in order to sit down, the two boys got in some sort of fight that ended with them punching each other and screaming “I hate you forever” at the top of their lungs. Needless to say, we didn't get invited back.”
Post-Pandemic Puker
“One of my child's friends came over when he was 4-years-old, and within 15 minutes told her mom her tummy was being weird, and then vomited everywhere in our apartment. It also happened to be the first-ever post-pandemic playdate at our house, and my son was like: Is *that* what happens on playdates?”
Too Much of a Gut Thing
“My 4-year-old once had a friend over and they found a jar of kid's probiotics...and ate the WHOLE thing. We're talking like 30 probiotics between the two of them. We debated taking them to the doctor but in the end just waited it out. My son's friend had some stomach cramping that night, but otherwise they survived (and we learned to hide the vitamins).”
Jackson Poopllock
“This one went down in family history: My mom took my little sister and her friend to Chuck E. Cheese when they were 4. The friend had to use the restroom, and after a while of waiting outside the stall, it started to smell, so she asked the girl if she was OK. The girl opened the door to reveal...she'd pooped and started finger painting on the bathroom wall with it.”
Warning: Children at Play
“One time, friends of ours came over with their daughter, and she and my 4-year-old played SO nicely all day. We kept saying to each other how great it was to actually have some grown-up time because the kids were just off playing on their own and not bothering us. Fast forward to the afternoon when it's time for them to go home, and we go upstairs to our bedroom and see that they have been WILD. Our bed was covered in lube with all of our, um, adult toys strewn across the bedroom. We had to explain what everything was and my son still asks about mommy's massager to this day. But that wasn't even the worst part! As they were leaving, I see that the toy purse my friend's daughter brought over was looking a little full. I asked to see inside of it, and she had found and taken our passports! She was about to leave our home with our IDs inside...! We learned our lesson. Now have a strict ‘no going into mom and dad's room’ rule for playdates.”
