Forward This to Your Friend Who Apparently Doesn't Know How Menus Work

No, you don't get a discount just because you asked them to leave the tomato off the BLT.

A menu is an instruction manual for your time in a restaurant. It can be a full briefing that’s pages long like the booklet that comes with a new kitchen appliance or it might just be mostly pictures on a piece of paper like when you buy a cabinet at IKEA. It’s chock full of information that you should absorb and you should never ignore the fine print. Most questions can be answered by the menu and it is literally handed to you upon arrival (or called up on your phone by QR code, but hopefully not for much longer). Still, there are a few menu misconceptions that need to be cleared up.

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The server is just the messenger

Your server didn’t write the menu. If it isn’t to your liking, remember that the server is there to serve. They were not involved in recipe development or determining the food cost ratio to set the prices. Their responsibility with the menu to is to be familiar with it and to wipe it down when you’re done with it.

The "secret menu" does not exist at 99.99% of restaurants

If it’s not on the menu, the restaurant doesn’t have it. You’re not at Burger King where you can order a King’s Surf and Turf from the secret menu and end up with a Whopper that has a fish patty added to it. If you know of something that used to be on the menu, well, the key words there are "used to be." Let it remain a fond memory and please don’t ask your server to check with the kitchen to see if it can still be made. Your server doesn’t want to risk the ire of a chef for asking a question knowing full well that the answer is a resounding no.

The menu is not a shopping list

The items listed on the menu are not mere suggestions of what you can build upon; it’s not an ingredient list or a pantry. The penne for one entree and the fresh vegetables for another does not a pasta primavera make. Your options are quite clearly printed before you. See above.

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Nor is the menu a starting point for negotiations

If you leave something off an entree, don’t expect a credit. You can’t order chicken and cheese quesadillas as a vegan and then be surprised to pay full price for a grilled tortilla with sparse red peppers. Restaurant ordering systems are set up to add costs, not deduct them. They might be willing to substitute beans for the chicken, but if the menu says no substitutions, accept it. And there is no restaurant that will let you leave off the tomato on a BLT and add extra bacon instead without charging you for it.

The menu isn't written in code

Pay attention to the words of the food description. If the entree has the name chicken in it, but chicken isn’t in the description, rest assured it will still have chicken. Also, please know that it’s soup OR salad, not soup AND salad. Your omelet will come with home fries OR french fries, not both. Conjunction junction has a function: hooking up words and phrases and clauses.

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No, seriously, it's all right there

What the menu says, goes. It’s almost a contract of terms. If it says at the bottom of the menu in the teensiest of fonts that the gratuity will be added to a party of six or more, you have no leg to stand on when asking for it to be removed. If it says “cash only,” go find an ATM. If it says Market Price next to the lemon-stuffed grilled branzino, ask what the cost is before ordering it.

The menu is like a traffic light

Lastly, your menu can be used as a signal of communication between you and your server. As long as it is opened and you are looking at it, your server is going to assume you are not ready to place your order. An attentive server is waiting for the visual clue of you closing the menu so they can approach your table and begin to take your order. Using a menu is a two-way street, but the restaurant will usually have the right of way.

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