Is It Forced Forgiveness or Real Forgiveness?
When wronged, we are often told that forgiveness is the best bet for restoring happiness; that absolving anger and disappointment will release you from being a prisoner to your own bitterness and let you merrily move on. And to be sure, forgiveness is great in principle and has a documented ripple effect that benefits mental health and physical well-being. But the wholesale advice to just let it go simplifies a complex issue and assumes that this so-called easy action will be a fast panacea for pain.
The truth is, healing from being hurt takes time, and forgiving too quickly can cut short the process, says Lynn Saladino, PsyD, a therapist in New York who is experienced in helping patients build skills to handle setbacks and move forward. “Feeling harmed, fooled, sad, angry…it’s all awful,” she says. “It makes sense that you’d want to get out of that state. But fast forgiveness doesn’t erase those things. Those are human conditions, and while it’s not fun, you need to brave through them to come to a place where you can eventually calm them down.”
Let’s take stock. Your heart, trust, beliefs—something has been broken. And saying, “No worries, all good, we’re cool” too flippantly can diminish that. It can also cause you to misdirect or bury anger that would otherwise serve you. Explains Saladino: Harnessing your rage at, say, being taken advantage of by a friend, or cheated on by a partner, can be a powerful way to restore your dignity and uphold self-respect, helping you make it through the mess confidently, rather than feeling raw and ripped apart.
Add on the fact that when we say bygones prematurely, we often end up layering pain on top of pain, she continues. “You think, I did the right thing and cleared the air with this person, yet I’m still fuming. So now you have an even bigger burden—feeling like you’ve gone back on your word, and that you’re incapable of letting go of a grudge.”
Forgiving someone is hard no matter what. And doing so successfully entails waiting until you are truly ready to make amends. So how do you know when that moment has come? Saladino suggests four questions to ask yourself that’ll bring clarity and help you avoid faking forgiveness.
How do I even define forgiveness?
Before anything, get clear on what you’re actually asking of yourself. “There are many interpretations of what forgiveness actually is,” points out Saladino. “It doesn’t necessarily mean letting someone off the hook.” Maybe forgiveness to you is freedom from letting the person or their crime monopolize your thoughts, or it’s deciding that while an ugly chunk of your past will never evaporate with an apology, you’re open to finding a way to maneuver around it. If you can come to a definition that feels like a relief to you, then Saladino encourages you to move forward.
Can I on-ramp?
Forgiveness is not all or nothing. “You don’t decide to bury the hatchet and poof! Done! It’s a much longer process,” says Saladino. “There are steps to go through with a lot of untangling of mixed emotions.” Meaning you don’t need to hurtle to complete resolution. But are you game to take a first step in that direction? That might include trying to see the story from your offender’s point of view, or agreeing to listen to their reasoning. “There will be lingering scars,” Saladino reminds us. “Acknowledging them and still inching along is progress—even if it doesn’t end in total forgiveness.”
What would a newly defined relationship look like?
There’s a misconception that once you make peace, you can, and should, act as if nothing ever happened. In truth, there’s slim chance you’ll actually forget about being burned, and pretending to isn’t going to do you any good. “You have more information now about the capacity of that person, and you should use that information to safeguard yourself and redefine your relationship,” explains Saladino. Which bodes well for your future together. When you’re able to shift the dynamic and evolve your union to the current reality, you’ll be at a much healthier place than building back on a shoddy foundation. Remember, forgiving someone may include loss of some things you two once held dear—is that okay? Or it may necessitate some protection, like not going near certain flammable situations. If you can find happiness in the picture of this remodeled relationship, you are ready.
Am I truly doing this for myself?
Sometimes mending the fence is a gift that we give. And when the other person is begging for it, it can be hard to assess our real motives. If you’re being pressured, then you may not be ready. On the other hand, forgiving to lessen resentment’s grip on you can be a positive driver. Consider how much impact the breach has on your daily life, says Saladino. “Are you changing your routine to avoid someone or something? Are little reminders regularly opening the wounds? Are you waiting for an admittance of guilt from someone who will never own up? Take a really honest assessment of where you are with this—and if forgiving means no longer suffering and removing your own anchor, it’s time to start the process.”
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