Flirting, Texting and Secret Glances Are All Forms of 'Micro-Cheating'
In the version of love we're sold in books, movies, TV shows, and even car commercials, happy couples are 100% content all of the time and would never even dream of looking at another person. Of course, in reality, things can be a little more complicated. In addition to overt acts of cheating—such as kissing or sleeping with somebody else, or even conducting a long-term affair—there are also smaller, subtler things that many people in relationships do that might not "count" as full-on infidelity. In modern relationship parlance, these instances are categorized as "micro-cheating."
What is micro-cheating?
A whole variety of different things can be technically described as "micro-cheating," starting with something as simple as checking out another person in the moment, or something a little more premeditated, like exchanging DMs with another person and not telling your partner. Much of the time, micro-cheating takes place in the digital world. In each case, no physical act of infidelity has been committed.
So is micro-cheating innocuous, or a red flag in your relationship? That depends on the specific situation.
"It's natural to find people other than your partner attractive. And this, in and of itself, is not cheating. It’s just how our brains work," says Dr. Justin Lehmiller, author of the Sex and Psychology blog and the book Tell Me What You Want. "And while it may be tempting to see this as an inherent threat to our relationships, there’s a more productive way you can use this insight: working to ensure that novelty remains a big part of your own sex life. This will likely enhance your relationship in the long run."
Lehmiller adds that it's not necessarily cause for concern if your partner is having deep and meaningful conversations with someone who isn't you—as long as they're not hiding it.
"It's natural for us to seek out intimate, emotional connections with people other than our romantic partners," he says. "This is why many other so-called micro-cheating behaviors shouldn’t necessarily be viewed as infidelity, either, like confiding in or asking advice from someone who isn’t a romantic partner."
These behaviors become a problem when they're paired with deception. If your partner allows other people to believe they are single, or saves a person's number under a different name in their phone so as not to arouse suspicion, or even creating an account on a dating app, even if they never actually meet anyone from it. It's about intention as much as it is about action.
"Though micro-cheating does not involve physical contact with someone outside the committed relationship, it's important to avoid the temptation to over-emphasize the 'micro' part of the phrase and remember that 'cheating' is the operative word," says psychologist Ty Tashiro. "When one betrays a partner's trust there are always emotional consequences for the partner's wellbeing and the integrity of the relationship."
Ultimately, whether or not a relationship can withstand micro-cheating depends on the relationship.
“Different behaviors might be infidelity for one couple, micro-cheating for another couple, and not a problem at all for another couple," says intimacy disorder expert Robert Weiss. "Cheating, micro or otherwise, is less about the particular behavior, and more about the keeping of secrets and the impact of those secrets when uncovered."
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