Feeling Lonely? Experts Discuss 9 Things to Do When You’re Feeling Alone
We’re more connected than ever with Zoom calls, live stream events, and social media. But despite our ability to reach out to people halfway across the world in a matter of seconds, many of us feel isolated. Not surprisingly, the pandemic has worsened these feelings for some people—leading them to ask: Why do I feel so lonely?
A recent Harvard report revealed that 36 percent of Americans, including 61 percent of young adults and 51 percent of moms with young kids, feel “serious loneliness.” But what is loneliness? Being alone isn’t the same as being lonely; we may feel lonely even within our most intimate relationships. “It’s a perceived discrepancy between what we want and what we have in our relationships,” says Louise Hawkley, Ph.D., principal research scientist at NORC at the University of Chicago. “It’s not about the quantity of connections, but rather the quality of our bonds.” In a nutshell, we feel lonely when we’re not getting the level of emotional support we crave.
As you probably guessed, this sense of isolation isn’t good for us mentally or physically. Ample research shows loneliness is linked to early mortality and serious health issues such as depression, anxiety, heart disease , and substance abuse. In fact, loneliness has similar or greater health risks as smoking, drinking, and obesity. Numerous studies also have shown that social isolation worsens cognitive abilities and accelerates aging.
But feelings of loneliness also have a silver lining when they motivate us to action. “Loneliness is adaptive and evolutionary,” says Hawkley. “It’s a nudge to get out there because you need something. In that way, it’s like hunger or thirst.” Sure, no one likes to feel alone, but it’s your brain’s way of pushing you to foster social connections in order to survive and thrive.
While many studies have looked at techniques for combating loneliness, there’s no consensus on what’s most effective. And there’s definitely no one-size-fits-all approach that works for everyone, says Hawkley. But if you’re feeling isolated, here are a few strategies you can try.
Admit you’re lonely
There’s always been a lot of stigmas associated with loneliness, says Hawkley. But ignoring our feelings of isolation only continues to feed them. Giving a name to what you feel is one step toward actually doing something about your loneliness. In addition, labeling your feelings also may reduce their intensity. On the upside, the pandemic has “normalized” feelings of loneliness so it’s not as stigmatizing to talk about it now that we’ve all experienced it to some degree.
Realize it’s something most of us experience occasionally
Ironically, loneliness is a universal feeling. “It’s common for most of us at one point or another in life,” says James Ellor, Ph.D., D. Min, professor emeritus of family studies at the Diane R. Garland School of Social Work at Baylor University. “Sometimes it’s the life stage we’re in, such as a young adult who’s not yet married, a mom with small kids who’s not having any adult conversation, or a midlife divorce.” Acknowledging your loneliness doesn’t remove it, but it can be helpful to know it’s temporary for most of us.
Reframe your responses to situations
“Loneliness changes the brain and how you see things,” says Hawkley. But you can learn to do a little introspection to re-examine your perception of social situations. For example, when you were chatty with the cashier and she didn’t respond, was it really you? Or was she just having a bad day?
Take a chance
People who are lonely often anticipate being rejected. “They may withdraw from others so their behavior becomes a self-fulfilling prophecy which perpetuates their loneliness,” says Ellor. “You’ve got to do something differently and put yourself out there to meet people and make new connections.” Try a new activity or group that has similar interests such as a book club, yoga class, or dog park meetup. And don’t give up. Sooner or later, something will be the right fit.
Do something for others
Volunteering for a group that has a common focus on something that matters to you—literacy, homelessness, the local food pantry— is one way to feel connected to your community at large. It also takes the focus off of yourself, and you’ll be associating with people who have the same desires and goals to help others. Cross-generational organizations (no matter what your age) that offer tutoring or mentoring to kids can be especially rewarding, says Hawkley.
Adopt a furry family member
While not everyone is a pet person, research has shown that pets can be good for us with benefits including reduced blood pressure, heart rate, and levels of anxiety, stress, and loneliness. If it’s something you’ve always wanted to do, adopting a pet will make you feel needed (time for a walk!), may encourage you to get more active, and may help build new friendships with other pet lovers (hello, dog park!). Plus, some studies show that even gazing into your dog’s eyes releases the feel-good hormone oxytocin. If you can’t make the financial or time commitment to pet parenthood, consider volunteering at a local animal shelter instead.
Get outdoors
A large number of studies have shown that gardening is good for both mental and physical health. Whether you join a local gardening club, participate in a community garden, or simply share your bumper crop of zucchini with your neighbor, getting your hands in the dirt may be just what you need to create new social connections. And it’s pretty great harvesting your own fresh veggies, too!
Express gratitude
Focusing on what you do have—rather than what you don’t— can turn your thoughts to all the positive parts of your world. Studies have shown that gratefulness is associated with a lower risk of depression, anxiety, and substance abuse, and may improve loneliness. Try a few basic gratitude exercises such as taking time each day to reflect on what you’re grateful for, jotting down a few things in a gratitude journal, or writing a note to thank someone for something they’ve done for you recently or even in the distant past. Or consider participating in a religious service or prayer group to connect with a higher power you personally understand.
Cut back on social media
The truth is it can be good or bad, depending on how you use it, says Ellor. But constantly comparing yourself with everyone else who has an Instagram-worthy house/ job/ car/ life, is exhausting and not super-useful. If you catch up with far-away family or rediscover an old friendship through social media, that’s positive. If you feel worse after a scrolling session, try limiting your intake. And ditto for news and push notifications: You don’t need to consume every bit of breaking news out there, which constantly ramps up emotions and may trigger feelings of anxiety, which also has been associated with loneliness.
Don’t use technology to replace in-person contact
Sure, technology can be great for connecting long-distance or when you can’t be together in person. But emerging research is showing it can supplement, not replace, in-person interactions in maintaining mental health. In fact, one study showed that individuals experienced loneliness, depression, and reductions in happiness during the pandemic despite increases in remote contact.
Know when to get some help
Sometimes it seems easier to just give up. “People get sucked into the feeling that loneliness, especially as we get older, is just life,” says Hawkley. “Loneliness may be prevalent, but it’s not normal.” If you begin to feel you can’t function or if loneliness begins to inhibit your capacity to be yourself, it’s time to get some help. Talk to your primary care doctor, or seek a referral to a mental health professional who can help you figure out the best techniques for feeling better.
You Might Also Like
