Fawn Response
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/ˈfȯn ri-ˈspän(t)s/
Turns out, killing someone with kindness is actually a trauma response. A fourth addition to the oft-discussed fight, flight, and freeze responses, fawning means reacting to something scary by being submissive—and trying to come across as more appealing to the threat. “Fawning can present like hypervigilance, constantly assessing people’s moods or our surroundings for potential threats,” says Ingrid Clayton, PhD, a clinical psychologist and author of Believing Me.
But it’s more than just people pleasing. Fawning happens when someone puts others’ needs above their own in order to keep the peace, like not seeing friends to make an abuser happy or trading meals with a friend because theirs came undercooked and you can’t stomach the anger they’ll unleash on your server.
When we fawn, “there is an incongruence between how we feel about a person or situation and our behavior,” Clayton says. “We notice and name our resentment, rage, judgment, or hopelessness to ourselves while continuing to outwardly ‘be’ what the other person needs or wants us to be.” Sure, in some instances, this behavior could be lifesaving. But it can also erode your assertiveness over time—and your sense of what you actually want or need. “Recovering from chronic fawning means finding ways to learn boundaries—many of us for the first time,” Clayton says. Therapy is a great place to start.
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