Experts Say to Never Ignore These 15 Relationship Red Flags
Red flags in a relationship can range from differing opinions on religion to anger issues that turn into safety concerns. There are turn-offs, like using the wrong forms of there, they’re, and their, and then there are red flags which are more serious behaviors (like emotional abuse) that shouldn’t be ignored.
But what is a red flag? “A red flag is a problematic behavior that you see in somebody that is possibly going to lead to bigger or ongoing problems with that person,” explains Chelsie Reed, Ph.D., L.P.C., a mental health counselor and author of Sexpert: Desire, Passion, Sensations, Intimacy, and Orgasm to Indulge in Your Best Sex Life. Red flags can encompass a whole host of things—for example: Running late, which could be a here-and-there occurrence or something more serious like an ongoing issue that might mean your partner is acting with disrespect.
“There are red flags, and then there are pink flags—where things start off more gradually,” explains Judy Ho, Ph.D., a clinical neuropsychologist in Manhattan Beach, CA. “It’s very rare that something is extremely red right off the bat.” This is why it’s important to be in tune with yourself and your relationship so that even the more pink-toned red flags can be identified and addressed immediately.
Ahead, learn more about what exactly red flags are, the main red flags to watch out for, and how to handle red flags once you spot them.
1. Love bombing
Love bombing, or rushing into a relationship too quickly, often with grand gestures and signs of emotional manipulation can be a big red flag because it often “means they feel like they’re filling a hole in their life…they’re grabbing on to you because you’re the answer to everything,” Reed explains. “They are not probably in a healthy place for themselves,” which can certainly lead to larger issues down the road.
2. Lack of appreciation
On the other end of the spectrum is feeling as though your partner doesn’t cherish you—maybe they stopped sending you texts to check in throughout the day, they don’t surprise you with flowers or coffee anymore, or they don’t compliment you or tell you ‘I love you.’ Feeling unappreciated and even unloved can not only be hurtful but “it’s also part of making you feel like you need them and it makes your self-esteem go down,” explains Ho. Over time it makes you doubt your own competence and your ability to get to better relationships.”
3. Boundary crossing
Someone crossing your boundaries is a “huge red flag,” Reed notes. “Boundaries are something you put out there because they protect you, and they say, ‘Hey, if you respect me, and you’re gonna stay in my life, then don’t do this.’” Reed also explains that boundary crossing tends to be a slippery slope—if they cross a boundary more than once, they’re likely to keep crossing more boundaries over time.
4. Lack of communication
Problems are inevitable in any relationship, but communication is what helps to work through tough spots and disagreements. If someone shows an unwillingness to communicate or signs of emotional unavailability “it is essentially like shutting the other person down whenever they try to raise a concern,” Ho explains. “It also makes the person feel completely neglected, invalidated, and almost questioning of their own reality.” However, as Reed notes, it is perfectly acceptable to feel overwhelmed and suggest a later time to talk about the issue, because “productive communication,” is important.
5. Unwillingness to compromise
Even if a person is willing to communicate about issues in the relationship, “being unwilling to compromise, stubborn, or selfish over time may lead the other partner to feel that they are compromising too much of themselves to be satisfied with the relationship,” explains Daniel Bristow, M.D., F.A.P.A., board-certified psychiatrist and physician editor for behavioral health for MCG Health. “It can be a lonely feeling when you feel that you are doing all the work to make a relationship better.”
6. Gaslighting
Gaslighting is a form of manipulation and blame-shifting that often comes down to the fact that the person is “not validating your experiences and reality,” says Reed. “You can agree to disagree,” but for a partner to negate your thoughts, feelings, and perspectives is extremely unhealthy and can lead to feelings of insecurity and even questioning your own sanity.
7. Inconsistency
If you feel as though you’re always on your toes and you’re unable to predict what’s going on, your partner is likely being inconsistent with you in ways of their words and actions. “This makes you cling to the person even more and develop like a sort of like an addiction to that person to try to please them,” Ho explains. You should never feel as though you have to work for someone’s love and you deserve a sense of security in all relationships.
8. Put-downs
The way someone speaks to you is important—and being understanding and kind is number one in all sorts of relationships. If someone feels that they always need to be right, and they always put you in the wrong then “they’re wanting to see you in a poor light that’s very bad,” Reed explains. Your partner should be uplifting you in all aspects, and work with you amicably when disagreements and issues arise.
9. Controlling behavior
Lots of times, red flags are difficult to spot because they’re not always very obvious from the start, Ho notes. However, these red flags usually begin in the form of gradual “coercive control,” which can include “limiting where you go without the person, always asking where you are when you’re not together, dictating how you dress, asking for your passwords for social media and email accounts or maybe just hacking into them,” explains Ho. “They justify these things by saying, ‘Oh, it’s only because I care about you so much, and I worry about you.’”
10. Alienation
“People who try to alienate you from others is a big one,” Reed points out. This is a specific and dangerous form of control which means a person is likely trying to keep you to themselves for ulterior motives— a huge warning sign of potential issues down the road. Reed notes that there’s a big difference between giving their two cents about a relationship they feel is hurting you and allowing you to make your own decisions, or using “controlling, power words” like “no,” “you can’t,” “I won’t let you,” “you have to do this,” etc.
11. Excessive lying
Lying, especially if it becomes a pattern, “will certainly affect your trust in your partner that could ultimately be a dealbreaker,” explains Dr. Bristow. Catching your partner in lies—whether they’re small or big—can be difficult to deal with and make it hard to build a solid, trustworthy foundation necessary for all healthy relationships.
12. Jealousy
Jealousy is a natural feeling, but when it becomes so large and overbearing that it affects the way a relationship functions, it’s definitely a cause for worry. Jealousy can present in two forms: a feeling of a lack in the relationship, or insecurity. If someone is needing more of you, they might be jealous of your job or the time you spend with friends, which can be worked through, Reed explains. But if the jealousy is coming from a feeling of insecurity within themselves (not feeling worthy or good enough to keep somebody), this can lead to controlling behavior and is much harder to contend with.
13. Lack of trust
Similarly, a lack of trust in you—your behavior, your decision-making—can also come from many places and has the ability to make you feel very poorly. Some people were simply brought up in a way that made them behave in a way where they must “verify” the truths being presented to them, or “they’ve been treated as if it’s the norm to not trust people,” Reed explains. Regardless of the way this lack of trust presents itself, the most important thing to consider is the idea of “controlling versus helpful,” Reed says. Are they offering support in your endeavors, or are they seeking to limit your actions? From there you can determine whether the behavior can be addressed and worked on.
While many of the red flags above fall under the category of emotional abuse, it’s worth repeating: if anyone verbally, emotionally, or physically abuses you, leave as soon as possible and seek support, Ho says. “It’s not worth salvaging and you definitely need to walk away.”
14. Abuse
While many of the red flags above fall under the category of emotional abuse, it’s worth repeating: if anyone verbally, emotionally, or physically abuses you, leave as soon as possible and seek support, Ho says. “It’s not worth salvaging and you definitely need to walk away.”
If you are currently or suspect you might be in an abusive relationship, dial The National Domestic Violence Hotline at 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) or the National Dating Abuse Helpline at 1-866-331-9474. If you are in physical danger, call 911.
15. Hot and cold behavior
Often when a partner is “hot and cold,” it means they’ve made it a habit to act poorly or hurt your feelings and follow up with lots of apologizing. Usually, the apologies will come in the form of romantic things like flowers and gifts and saying ‘I’ll never do that again,’ to win you back.
“It gives you hope that the relationship is going to change and then what happens in these relationships, is that it creates selective attention where you only remember good moments and forget about some of the bad ones,” Ho explains. This can be a very hard cycle to break free from, so it’s important to identify the behavior early on.
Is a red flag always a deal breaker in a relationship?
Not necessarily. “It depends on how serious the red flag is,” notes Dr. Bristow. “A red flag is generally a point of concern for the person who spots one, but can be an opportunity for the person who spots the red flag to learn something about themselves, their partner, and their relationship.”
Red flags in a relationship might be scary once you spot them, but they can offer more clarity and understanding that can ultimately help you move forward with that person—or help you decide that it’s time to walk away and break up.
How to handle red flags in a relationship
Once you’ve identified potential red flags in your relationship, there are a few questions you’ll need to ask yourself, including whether you should walk away from the relationship or try to salvage it, and how you should address these red flags with your partner.
“Pretty much everybody is messed up in some way, nobody is perfect,” Reed says. “So we’re going to see a red flag in absolutely everybody—that's just a given, but those red flags, are those red flags you can handle? Or are they red flags that are going to be problematic for you and your relationship style?” These are the questions we have to ask ourselves when issues and red flags inevitably crop up in our relationships.
The first step in these situations “is identifying what you need and want in a relationship, and being honest with yourself and your partner,” Dr. Bristow explains. “If you find a red flag in your relationship, identify what that red flag means to you. If it is minor, communicating with your partner your perspective about it can be helpful.”
Try to make the communication as calm and productive as possible to truly see how your partner feels about your concerns. Additionally, your approach should be less about “insinuating that they did something wrong,” and more about “pointing out their behaviors or pointing out an inconsistency and then asking them what they think it means,” says Ho. If your partner is unable or unwilling to see your point of view, discuss the issue in a calm manner, and ultimately cannot give you what you need—it may be time to walk away.
“And when you walk away, you need to lean on the support of your family and friends, contact them, reach out for support, and have a game plan,” Ho continues. “If you’re in an abusive relationship, you should contact the domestic violence hotline.”
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