Experts Believe You Should Never Do or Say These 5 Things in a Fight With Your Partner
Every couple fights. When that bickering is handled well, it can ultimately lead to better understanding and a stronger connection. But when it’s handled poorly, it can leave cracks that can eventually cause the relationship’s foundation to crumble. My clients often lament that in the heat of a fight, when emotions are high and tensions are higher, it feels nearly impossible to remember countless communication rules. So to keep things simple, remember these five things never to do during a fight.
1. Never throw insults
In any long-term relationship, you’ll inevitably come to know the words that are most hurtful to your loved one. But name-calling is juvenile and cruel. And remember, once a low blow leaves your mouth, you can’t put it back in, even after the two of you have made up. Your partner will always remember the worst things you said during a fight and ultimately may start to believe you think those things are true. Just don’t go there.
2. Never blast to the past
One common reason I see small fights turn into big ones is that people start bringing up past hurts. Suddenly, the battle shifts from the present issue to who’s done the most over the years to hurt the other person. But when you stay focused on the here and now, conflict can lead to resolution instead of dissolution. A good way to do this: Avoid making “always” and “never” statements like “You never listen” and “You always do this,” because they’ll put your partner on the defensive. Frame your complaint as “My current concern is…” or “Right now I’m feeling…,” which will invite your partner to listen with curiosity.
3. Never call for backup
Have you ever phoned your parents during a fight to complain about your partner, or ranted to friends? It can be validating to feel that you’re getting people on your side, but tattling transforms a private issue into a public one, which may make your partner feel attacked. If you really need to vent, pick one trusted confidant to whom you can turn once the drama cools down.
4. Never say “I’m out of here”
I’ve heard from clients who have packed their bags and left in the middle of a fight or even printed out divorce papers. Unless you’re physically unsafe, taking off or threatening to end a relationship during a fight is not a good idea—it will leave your partner feeling abandoned and damage trust, especially if it happens repeatedly. If you’re seriously
considering breaking up, talk about it in a time of calmness, not conflict, which will help your partner take your concerns seriously rather than brush them off as arising from temporary anger.
5. Never get physical
Resorting to violence during a conflict is never OK. But it’s important to remember that there are other types of physical intimidation that are off-limits. Blocking exits, standing over your partner, or throwing things creates an unsafe environment. Even rolling your eyes or turning away can make your partner feel scared and disconnected. The more open you’re able to be with your body language, the safer you’ll both feel while working through conflict.
This article originally appeared in the October 2020 issue of Prevention.
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