An Expert Shares Advice on Facing Mother's Day Without Mom
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No matter how long it’s been since you lost her, waking up on Mother’s Day without your mom may never get easier. Come mid-spring when mentions of the holiday are everywhere, it can be painful to confront the constant reminders of her passing.
In search of ways to cope, we reached out to Jane Greer, Ph.D., a New York-based marriage and family therapist and author of The Afterlife Connection. Her advice? As much as you may be hurting, try not to hide out and ignore the holiday. Instead, find a way to honor her memory, whether it's continuing a tradition you shared, writing a letter to her, or gathering with others who grieve her loss.
“It can be really, really hard to go about celebrating the day, especially if you’ve recently lost your mother,” says Greer. “And I recognize that. But it’s so important to do so. It’s so important to continue to celebrate your mother and her spirit, and to realize that even though you won’t be together in a physical sense this year, she's with you in spirit.”
Below, Greer shares a few simple, thoughtful ideas for maintaining that connection with your mother on Mother’s Day. Not all of them will be relevant to your specific relationship, and others may not suit your lifestyle. That's okay. But if one of these suggestions feels right to you, the simple acknowledgement of her memory on that Sunday in May could bring you peace. After all, as Greer reminds us: “She is there. Just in a different way.”
Carry on those special traditions.
“It can be incredibly helpful and calming to engage in an activity that you and she used to do together, especially if a sentimental location is involved,” says Greer. If you used to celebrate by taking her out to brunch at a favorite local spot, continue ordering her beloved blueberry pancakes. If you used to frequent a certain coffee shop together, head back there today and drink a cup in her honor. Remind yourself that her legacy lives on in all of these things.
Write her a card.
You used to buy her a card on Mother’s Day, and there’s no reason why that beautiful tradition should stop. Many people find it therapeutic to write heartfelt messages to their deceased mothers on Mother’s Day, or a Mother's Day Bible verse; in fact, the practice can be doubly meaningful now that she’s passed. “Write in it exactly what you would have written then, and then some,” says Greer. “And sign it with love, the way you would have done. Another idea is to get yourself a card from her, and sign it as she would have written to you.”
Visit her grave.
Cemeteries are generally quiet, serene places, and there’s often no better environment in which to reflect on the memory of a loved one. If your mother’s burial site is relatively close by, consider taking a few hours away from the rest of the day to pay your respects and spend some time reflecting by her side. You may be surprised by the peace it may offer you. “If it’s possible, I always recommend my clients do this,” says Greer. “It’s a way to feel connected again.”
Plan a celebration with siblings.
You may find it comforting to be with siblings during the holiday, or with anyone who had an equally close relationship with your mother. Greer even suggests reaching out to those people to plan a small, informal celebration of her life, returning to the joy and companionship of those relationships. It could even become a cherished family tradition. “Being together during a time of mourning is always a good idea,” she remarks. “It’s special and memorable, and can even be transformative.”
Ask for a sign.
If it’s still difficult to plan anything elaborate on the day, that’s okay. Trying to recognize that your mother is still with you is what’s most important, says Greer. “If you pay attention and are aware of them, you'll recognize those signs. In nature, in music, in food, in smells.” Whether it’s her favorite song on the radio, her signature scent floating by, or a rainbow appearing at just the right time outside your window, if you pay attention and are aware of them, you may come to realize that she is with you.
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