Exit the Toxic Forgiveness Cycle with Family
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For “The Life You Want” Class on forgiveness, Oprah and Nedra Glover Tawwab, a relationship expert, therapist, and New York Times bestselling author of Set Boundaries, Find Peace, offered sage advice on how to exit a toxic forgiveness cycle with a family member.
Twelve Insiders joined Oprah and Tawwab on camera, including Eileen, who said she’s spent more than 55 years trying to build a relationship with her sister. "For some reason, she felt I was always the favorite, and she had an issue with that," says Eileen, "so throughout the years, this has been very conflicting." Eileen goes on to say that she's never been able to fully express her feelings because when she did, she was belittled and told, "This is why no one loves you."
As Eileen continued, Oprah interjected, acknowledged how hurt she was to hear the hardship this sibling rivalry had caused and spoke about the distorted way society views familial relationships. "We have been indoctrinated in our culture, in our society, that you're supposed to have a certain relationship with your mother. You're supposed to have a certain relationship with your sister," even if it's toxic. Oprah and Nedra agreed—that could not be farther from the truth.
Above, watch a clip of the conversation—in which the advice from Nedra resonated so deeply that Oprah couldn't help but call for an emphatic "Drum roll!"—or keep scrolling to read what was shared.
Oprah: What about gaslighting? How many of you've been in a toxic forgiveness cycle that involved gaslighting? Eileen, talk to me about your relationship with your sister.
Eileen: Oprah, it's been 55 years I've been trying to have a relationship with my sister. It's been a relationship that has been very toxic. It's a cycle that I've tried to work with, talking with her and even contributing to that behavior, because we grew up in a family dynamic where we wouldn't express our feelings or even accept one another. I grew up in a family environment where I wasn't really accepted for who I was, being an emotional person and always hearing, "There you go again." And with my sister, it's always been that type of behavior towards me. For some reason, she felt I was always the favorite, and she had an issue with that, but that was not my fault. It was something that maybe my parents did that made her feel that way, but it was something that I didn't ask for.
Eileen: So throughout the years, this has been very conflicting. It's been with her and my father, actually, but with her more. It's been very hard to have a relationship with her because she hasn't really fully accepted who I am. And that's the key that we talk about— acceptance, right? I haven't been fully accepted for expressing my feelings. And when I've expressed my feelings, it's like, "Oh, there you go again. This is why no one loves you. This is why no one wants to be around you." Those [words] have been very hurtful to me because this has thrown me into depression.
Oprah: It hurts me hearing it. It hurts me hearing it right now. We're all listening, and obviously, we haven't walked in your shoes. First of all, you look really good for 55 years of working on this.
Eileen: Thank you.
Oprah: I don't know—55 years. Over the years with The Oprah Show and the thousands of conversations I used to have with people, the hardest thing for people has always been the sibling relationships and parental relationships, because we have been indoctrinated in our culture, in our society, that you're supposed to have a certain relationship with your mother. You're supposed to have a certain relationship with your sister. And we look at all the TV shows where everybody's getting along and we're all trying to model that, when in fact, your life is showing you something completely different. So the question, Nedra, is when do we step out of what it's supposed to look like, what it should've looked like for 55 years, and did not, and liberate ourselves, forgive ourselves enough to accept that the past is not, could not, have been any different?
Nedra: A beautiful question to ask yourself is, Why are you in this relationship? And if the answer is “Because it is my sister, because it is my brother, because it is my mother,” you don't have a reason to be in the relationship. Because for most relationships that we're in...
Oprah: Can we have a drum roll for that? Drum roll, drum roll, drum roll! Everybody, pay attention! Drum roll to what Nedra's saying! If you're in a relationship because of the label that the person carries, you don't have a relationship. Amen. Amen. I'm gonna shout.
Eileen: Amen. Thank you.
Watch Oprah's full “The Life You Want” Class on forgiveness here and catch up on all of our "The Life You Want" classes here.
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