Exerts Reveal 7 Signs You’re in a ‘Situationship’ and How to Handle It
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Like the world of dating, terms regarding relationships are ever-changing. There are many kinds of intimate relationships to be had, and sometimes things can get a little complicated. If you’re having difficulty defining a relationship you’re in (which can lead to a serious case of relationship anxiety), you may be in a situationship. But what is a “situationship,” exactly?
Meet the experts: Weena Cullins, L.C.M.F.T., a relationship expert in the Washington D.C. metropolitan area and Samantha Burns, L.M.H.C., couples therapist and author of Breaking Up and Bouncing Back.
Situationships often get a bad reputation—in many cases, one person wants something different from the other, which can create confusion and hurt feelings. But, a situationship isn’t necessarily unhealthy: These types of low-commitment relationships can offer lots of fun and flexibility—as long as both partners agree on the type of relationship.
Ahead, experts explain what a situationship is, signs of a situationship, and how to deal with one.
What is a “situationship?”
In short, a situationship is a type of relationship that generally lacks labels and therefore oftentimes, monogamous commitment. “A situationship is a relationship that does not follow the rules that are typically associated with a traditional romantic relationship,” explains Weena Cullins, L.C.M.F.T., a relationship expert in the Washington D.C. metropolitan area. “Oftentimes, the status of two people in a situationship is not well defined,” due to complex circumstances or poor communication.
These arrangements can be short-term and temporary while both partners determine what they want—and other times, they can last for months or even years.
The unhealthy side of a situationship becomes apparent when one or each partner wants something different out of the relationship. “Sometimes one person is hopeful it will turn into something more serious, while the other has no real intention of creating a long-term relationship. This can lead to hurt feelings,” explains Samantha Burns, L.M.H.C., couples therapist and author of Breaking Up and Bouncing Back. “But if both partners are on the same page, then it can be a fun experience where you’re enjoying spending time with someone and exploring yourselves sexually without the obligation and commitment of a relationship. These experiences can help you gain clarity on what you’re looking for in a partner, or in a relationship dynamic.”
Signs you are in a situationship
Like all relationships, each situationship tends to look a little different from the next. However, there are a few tell-tale signs to look out for, according to experts:
The relationship is hard to define
At least one of you is having trouble defining the relationship, and having the “what are we?” discussion. Another sign? When explaining the relationship to others feels difficult.
There are no labels
Similarly, if you can’t call your partner your significant other—using terms like “girlfriend,” “boyfriend,” or “partner,” for example—and you know you are not exclusively dating, Wise says this is another sign of being in a situationship.
You don’t talk about the future
People in serious, committed relationships often talk about their future together: Where you’ll live, getting married, having kids. In a situationship you’ll often feel “full of uncertainty about where the relationship is going,” Burns says.
At least one of you is keeping your options open
Still swiping on the dating apps? Being open to other people and actively seeking out new connections (if you haven’t established a polyamory relationship) is a major sign you and your partner are in a situationship, according to Burns.
The relationship is limited in some ways
Limitations in your relationship are another major sign, Wise says. This generally means that you and your partner can’t progress romantically and do things that other “normal” couples do—like meeting each other’s parents, providing emotional support, or going on regular dates.
You can’t depend on your partner
A situationship usually “lacks consistency, dependency, or reliability,” Burns says. Feeling like you can’t count on your partner or that they are not there for you in the ways you want them to be is information to consider when looking for situationship signs.
There is no structure
A “lack of defined rules and roles in the relationship” is another key sign, Wise explains. This lack of structure makes it “difficult to predict how one or both partners will act in any given situation,” which is important in a committed relationship.
Pros and cons of a situationship
Situationships appeal to some. If you’re considering entering into this type of romantic relationship, here are some pros and cons to consider:
Pros
Situationships give you time to figure out if you want to be with the other person.
You can experience a different type of relationship than you’re used to.
You may learn more about your own wants and needs before committing to another person.
Cons
You may not receive the emotional support you crave.
Often in situationships one person is more invested than the other.
The relationship may feel limited.
What to do if you are in a situationship
Situationships can be fun and exciting, as long as you’re getting what you need from your partner. Ahead, experts share ways to ensure the relationship is serving you.
Communicate your needs
If you find yourself in a situationship it’s important to communicate your needs to your partner. By letting your partner know how you feel and allowing them to share how they feel, Burns explains, the confusion surrounding the relationship will start to lift and nobody will be “trying to read each other’s mind.” Sometimes when there’s a lack of communication in a situationship, both partners avoid a more committed relationship out of fear that the other person does not feel the same way.
Be honest with yourself and your partner
You also need to be honest with yourself about what you want. Have a talk about your needs. But, this type of conversation is not the time to make a compromise on what you want and need from your partner. “Assess the type of relationship you want with the other person and ask them whether or not it is attainable in a timeframe that you can accept,” Wise says.
Determine if you need to make a change
If after an honest conversation, you can’t come to a mutual understanding, realize it’s likely time to walk away from the relationship. “Set the boundary that although you like them and were excited to see what more you could become together, you need to protect yourself and stop seeing each other because you’re ready for something more,” Burns says. “Walk away with your head held high!”
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