Signs You Might Be Asexual, According to Sexuality Experts
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As with other sexual orientations, those that identify as asexual—or aces—exist on a spectrum. While some estimates find asexual people make up around 1% of the population, few studies exist and that number may be higher, says KJ Cerankowski, Ph.D., an assistant professor of gender, sexuality, and feminist studies at Oberlin College & Observatory.
Sometimes, people do not experience sexual attraction or have a very low sexual desire—and that’s okay. And if this fits your experience, it’s normal to wonder what is asexual and asexuality.
“Some people are attracted to people of the same gender or a different gender, and then some people have no attraction or their attraction is not so simple,” explains Justin Sitron, Ph.D., associate professor for Center for Human Sexuality Studies at Widener University. “And so I think it’s important that we understand the language and ways in which people experience attraction so that people feel valid, normal, and accepted and have a grounding and sort of like a way of understanding themselves when it comes to relationships with other people.”
What else should you know about asexuality—and how can you know if you’re asexual yourself? Here, sexuality experts explain asexuality.
What is asexual?
For the sake of a definition, asexuality “is either characterized as a lack of sexual attraction to anyone or as having low to no sexual desire,” says Justin Lehmiller, Ph.D., a research fellow at the Indiana University’s Kinsey Institute and author of Tell Me What You Want.
Another way of looking at it is that people that identify as asexual don’t experience sexual attraction, per the Asexual Visibility and Education Network (AVEN). “This means that a person could have a ‘normal’ libido or sex drive, but no interest in sexual relations with other people,” says Cerankowski.
In the 1980s, when the psychiatry bible Diagnostic and Statistical Manual of Mental Disorders (DSM III) was published, a lack of interest in sex was considered to be a mental health condition, but research currently suggests that asexuality isn’t a sexual dysfunction or psychiatric condition. “There is no impairment in genital functioning, and a growing number of scientists look at asexuality as a type of sexual orientation,” says Lehmiller.
It’s also important to note that asexuality and celibacy are not the same thing (but many asexual people are, in fact, celibate). The difference lies in behavior versus identity.
“Abstinence or celibacy is saying ‘I’m choosing not to do something,’” says Chelsie Reed, Ph.D., L.P.C., a mental health counselor and author of Sexpert: Desire, Passion, Sensations, Intimacy, and Orgasm to Indulge in Your Best Sex Life. “Which is very different than saying ‘I don’t want it.’” Celibates make a deliberate decision to abstain from sex for a certain period of time, though most envision themselves as sexual beings. Those that identify as asexual? They’re usually just not into it, and that’s part of who they are.
The asexuality spectrum
Like sexuality as a whole, asexuality is also a spectrum—meaning that “within the realm of asexuality, there’s also a bunch of sub-labels that people identify with,” explains Sitron. Some common identities include:
Aromantic
Some people experience sexual attraction but no romantic attraction, notes Sitron. People who are aromantic may prefer engaging in close friendships with others or other types of non-romantic partnerships.
Demisexual
A demisexual identity refers to “folks who experience sexual attraction only when there’s some other kind of connection or sense of safety and emotional experience with a partner,” explains Sitron.
Graysexual
Graysexual individuals fall somewhere in between the realm of sexual and asexual. “There isn’t really one way to describe what triggers the sexual attraction,” says Sitron. “It’s more gray, which is where the word graysexual comes from.”
It’s also important to consider the ways in which gender intersects with sexuality. Asexual individuals often identify with other LGBTQ+ labels such as bisexual or gay, which means that an asexual individual has that type of orientation if they were to think about it through a gender lens, explains Sitron, but the attraction is not a sexual one—it’s more of an “aesthetic” one.
Signs you might be asexual
The easiest answer: You’ve had an enduring, lifelong lack of sexual attraction to other people, says Bogaert.
Of course, there can always be a period of confusion when trying to figure out your sexuality and which label or identity fits, adds Cerankowski, and asexuals are diverse.
As with other people in the LGBTQ+ community, some research also reports asexual people often have felt “different” from an early age relative to other people. Some people describe themselves as being born this way, while others may come into asexuality later in life, through a variety of channels.
Cerankowski also says some people may experience their asexuality as a temporary thing—related to a periodic choice, a temporary lack of interest in sex, or as a factor of age. Disability, trauma, or a personal revelation may lead someone to discover they’re comfortably and happily asexual, temporarily or long-term. “The experience of asexuality over the life course can be variable and does not have to fit any one master narrative,” says Cerankowski. “Trust people to define themselves.”
If you think you’re asexual, you can learn more about the topic (and chat with people) at the Asexual Visibility and Education Network.
And while every asexual person is different, scientists have developed tools to assess asexuality, such as the Asexuality Identification Scale, says Lehmiller, who notes that the scale is highly accurate in terms of categorizing people as asexual. You can find information on it here.
Do asexual people still date?
While flowers, chocolates, and a candlelit dinner often serve as a prelude to getting it on, asexual people might just skip that last part. “Asexual people can date, and many do. Romantic attraction can be different from sexual attraction—they don’t necessarily overlap,” explains Anthony F. Bogaert, Ph.D., a human sexuality professor at Brock University and author of Understanding Asexuality.
For asexual people looking to get into a relationship, there can be some challenges with sexual norms and expectations. Some may want emotional relationships with little to no physical touch, while others may want multiple levels of intimacy with their partner, says Cerankowski.
And then there’s communicating that. “Some people may struggle when a partner comes out as asexual, especially if that relationship had been sexual. In that case, there’s a lot to negotiate for each person about how and if the relationship can move forward,” says Cerankowski. As is true with all relationships, open communication, and clear boundaries are key.
Still, others that identify as asexual do choose to opt out of romance as well as sex. “Someone who is ‘aromantic’ is generally uninterested in developing and maintaining long-term romances,” says Lehmiller. “That said, ‘aromantic’ and ‘asexual’ should not be used synonymously—someone can be asexual, aromantic, both, or neither.”
So, do asexual people have sex?
Not all asexual people have sex, but some do. “An asexual person who is in a romantic relationship may occasionally have sex if their partner desires it in order to sustain a valued relationship,” says Lehmiller.
What’s more, a lack of sexual attraction doesn’t necessarily mean a lack of sex drive. Many asexual people get turned on and even masturbate, with or without sexual fantasies, says Cerankowski.
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