Everything I Need To Know, I Learned From My Kindergartener

Stephanie Kramer
·9 min read

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With Mother’s Day upon us, the “Momma” mugs, supermarket planters, and the robes (still funny for any holiday) again fill storefronts with floral and an unfortunate brief reminder that it is, in fact, already May (and yes, you did forget something for the end of the school year). But for our house, May also means that it is my now-kindergartener’s birthday. This year it was a bunny- and snake-themed hour-and-a-half at the local nature center and a family spaghetti dinner, but it was months in the works.

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Thoughtful and thorough, my youngest son is wise beyond his years and is in the phase where his life-perplexing questions like “Do trees have feelings?” give me pause — stopping me in my tracks to provoke deep thought, sometimes a creative response, and often … a Google search. In hindsight (versus the in-the-moment tip on the mother’s mental load scale), I nearly always learn something, not just from our research, but from how my kindergartener asks questions — with true curiosity — to cement what he knows, and doesn’t know.  A powerful daily lesson to revisit as an adult: to slow down, as we all move so fast.

In fact, how many of you remember the book All I Really Need to Know I Learned in Kindergarten? ln this short story collection which was first published when I was in kindergarten, Robert Fulghum shares “uncommon thoughts on common things” with curious, brief reflections. In honor of Mother’s Day, my son’s birthday, and the first anniversary of my book, Carry Strong: An Empowered Approach to Navigating Pregnancy and Work, I thought I would revisit the book’s five principles which encourage moms in mega-life moments to find perspective, create their balance, communicate their needs, cultivate community, and embrace their shift in identity with a different lens. As the mother of two young sons, parenthood continues to present powerful moments for fast-paced learning and reflection — not just about what I learned in kindergarten, but from my own kindergartener.

Perspective

As mothers, we can constantly feel like we’re missing something critical — whether it be for our children, something at work, or perhaps a night out we’ve been looking forward to for months. Suddenly our child’s temperature spikes, or we’re stuck with an unforeseen deadline. In these inevitable moments, it’s important to find perspective.

Somewhere along the way to adulthood, we work on calibrating our emotions in these moments so we can delineate what deserves to be a 10 in importance (and guilt) and what can hover in a one or two.  While when we are tired, stressed, or hungry, or especially all three, it gets harder — but we can re-center with simple tools like the rule of five. Will this matter in five minutes? Five hours? Five days? Five months? Five years?

Depending on the answer, I try to recalibrate accordingly — often adjusting my schedule or, nearly always, my mindset. The thing about kindergarteners, though, is they have the enviable ability to simply live in the moment; to take in what is right in front of them. For a kindergartener, five years is basically their entire life, which is maybe why five minutes of patience feels so very long for both of you — but it also means that they have the gift of not having to calibrate continuously. What I have learned from my kindergartener is that if it is a big deal to you, then it’s a big deal for you. The way we handle these moments can benefit from the rule of five, but the recognition that it’s worthy of calibration in the first place is just as important.

Balance

A few months ago, I shared with you all the concept of COMO — the certainty of missing out (versus FOMO, the fear of missing out, and JOMO — the joy of missing out). While our kindergarteners aren’t exactly feeling the push and pull of work-life-balance, they certainly know the feeling of FOMO (fear of missing out) when they have to make choices (or have them made on their behalf). Balance is directly connected to perspective, and what we can learn from our kindergarteners is how quickly they move on — much more than a preschooler, a high schooler, and definitely an over-committed mom. Their knowledge continues to expand in in this sweet spot, and with our support, the choices are both infinite, and deliberate.

To further illustrate in kindergarten-friendly metaphors, let’s reframe work-life balance not as a seesaw which gives way too much credit to “work” on one side and “life” on the other and is very hard to awkwardly balance, but instead a sliding scale. Focusing on “being where my feet are” while sliding between all dimensions of my life sometimes finds me leaning heavily into one space for a day, week or even a season, but I recognize it is always temporary — which can be so much more freeing than a static (and boring) seesaw.  My kindergartener isn’t striving for static; quite the opposite, he’s striving for inertia.

Communication

If something doesn’t make sense, asking “why” is a powerful word (for all children), but for kindergarteners in particular, it embodies such a genuine curiosity. Unsatisfied with answers, they ask why again, and again (as we know all too well) until they feel that sense of satisfaction. But as adults, we could all use a little more genuine effort with empathy, to listen, understand, and learn. And to not be afraid or reluctant to ask questions in the first place – whether it be to better understand something we find unclear, to challenge the status quo, to ask for help, or even to  ask, “Are we there yet?” as we forge ahead on this journey we call life.

Maybe we would be surprised, like I just was in answering that question, that maybe we are “there” and just need to live in the moment and appreciate what we have right now. Consider, too, the powerful gut-check of “whys.”  Sometimes with my son, my response ends with “because I said so,” but often that’s a rule in place to keep us safe. If you can’t find purpose in your why, helping you to navigate your day, or keeping you safe, then maybe it’s time to find a new why. As author Simon Sinek says, we must start with “Why?” to find our purpose and contribution to the world.

Community

Can you imagine if we started our days with circle time? I think we were onto something there. Maybe today we don’t sit on the magic carpet with our legs crossed, but if you think about it, some of our best morning rituals have certainly been inspired by circle time: properly greeting one another and checking in, reviewing our schedule and priorities, talking about the weather and any important happenings before we just “go.” Starting our day with a solid routine, with our community, was terra firma — and remains so today.

On the other hand, one of the things I have learned most from my kindergartener is recognizing that despite the importance of community, sometimes we all just need a moment to be alone. In Carry Strong, I spend a lot of time sharing how to build, find, and be part of community — but to do all three, you need to recognize your uniqueness and power as an individual, even if in kindergarten, everyone can have the same favorite color.

Identity

One of the most incredible reminders I’ve had from my son and his classmates is their growth of confidence as they come into their own. In kindergarten, each day brings a new milestone: learning to read, riding a bike, frog-jumping, tying your shoes … the list goes on. And with each one, we celebrate with cheers, pride, and ice cream sundaes (specifically, banana splits). We try new things and begin to learn what, and who, we enjoy — sports, art, math — and begin to identify our strengths, our passions, or simply what brings us joy. These moments of trying new things without fear of failure or rejection quite literally shape our identities. Equally important, we learn to accept others for who they are — that “you and me are free to be you and me,” as the famous Marlo Thomas children’s song goes.

In this moment of celebration of motherhood and the journey to and through it, embracing our own accomplishments, dimensions of our identity, and unique qualities with pride is something that our children should see, too, so they feel the permission and importance of celebrating their own selves and accomplishments.

To conclude, in Carry Strong the very first page says, “You can do it all, not at the same time, and not alone.” I often see my kindergartener embrace the first phrase — “you can do it all” — just not yet. There might be frustration, but there is so much pride in accomplishment. Nothing is off-limits, the “yet” is just implicit — and should be for all of us. Notably, this is your reminder that just because you can do it all doesn’t mean you should; and that doing it all doesn’t mean having it all.

The second phrase, “not at the same time,” reinforces the implicit “yet” of a kindergartener. Not at the same time is also freeing, for the moment, but also for the perspective and balance that can come with asking “why” you’re trying to do it all at the same time in the first place.

The last phrase, “and not alone,” is the most critical of all. I deeply believe this, and see it every day through my son.  A community of support is needed for all of us, even (and especially) when our world is only getting bigger; we can celebrate it more, together. Sometimes we just need to pause in the moment, feel our feelings (stomp our feet, shed a few tears, alone or with a hug) and then get back into the game with our communities of support … and hopefully a snack around the corner.

Stephanie Kramer is the author of “Carry Strong: An Empowered Approach to Navigating Pregnancy and Work”, the Chief Human Resources Officer (CHRO) of L’Oréal USA, and mother of two young sons.

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