Everything To Ask Yourself Before Opening Your Relationship
If you’ve been feeling a little cramped in your monogamous relationship, it isn’t a sign your romance is doomed—maybe it’s just time to expand your definition of it. While monogamy works for many people, just because another arrangement deviates from the "norm" doesn’t mean it’s not of equal value (as long as that arrangement involves consenting adults, of course). Plenty of couples not only want, but thrive in open relationships.
Consensual non-monogamy—which, FYI, is a sliding scale and can look different for different people—has become less taboo, more widely discussed, and continues to grow in popularity. In fact, nearly a quarter (25 percent) of Americans report interest in having an open relationship, according to a 2021 YouGov poll that surveyed a whopping 23,000 people. And it’s not just a case of curiosity or the result of a stale sex life, either: When it comes to open relationships, there are almost as many benefits as there are misconceptions. (Read: A lot.)
For starters, non-monogamy is not just a band-aid for your crumbling relationship, says Sarah Levinson, LMSW, ESQ, a certified ACT therapist based in New York. “I have seen people attempting an open relationship as a way to possibly save a relationship that isn’t working so well,” Levinson says. But if a relationship already has cracks in it, trying to cover up those cracks with a new dynamic might only make existing problems more pronounced, says Levinson.
Meet the Experts:
Sarah Levinson, LMSW, ESQ, is a certified ACT therapist based in New York.
Tamara Pincus, LICSW, is a psychotherapist with The Pincus Center in Washington, DC.
So, how do you navigate an open relationship—and how do you know if it's right for you in the first place? Ahead, answers to all your burning questions.
What is an open relationship?
The definition of an open relationship isn’t cut and dry or black and white—and neither are the boundaries that might exist within one—but here’s the gist: you’re allowed to participate in other sexual and/or romantic interactions outside of your relationship.
“An open relationship is a relationship where people have agreed it’s okay to have sex outside of the relationship,” explains Tamara Pincus, LICSW, a psychotherapist who personally identifies as polyamorous. “That can look like a full-on relationship, which would be more on the polyamory side of things, or it could just be hooking up with people at parties, or having threesomes every once in a while. It can be anything.”
Now, to break this down a bit: A polyamorous relationship structure typically means that participants are involved in two or more committed relationships. So while not all open relationships can be defined as polyamorous, a polyamorous relationship falls into the open relationship category. It all depends on the boundaries you set with your partner(s).
That’s why communication is so integral in this structure—but also, so is the need for self-awareness. You have to understand what you want, while taking into account what the other person or people need out of the relationship, too.
How do I broach the topic of an open relationship to my partner?
Pincus recommends a gentle, straightforward approach. Bring up the concept of open relationships, and see how your partner responds.
“Tell them that you are interested, and make sure to clarify that it is not because your partner is lacking something but because there is something outside you wish to explore,” says Pincus.
If your partner is open (pun intended), it's important to spend a lot of time agreeing on boundaries and ground rules. “When you are negotiating an agreement around your relationship, you need to be very clear about what you want and how you’re feeling and what your thoughts are about something. And then be able to express that and possibly disappoint one of your partners,” says Levinson. “Also, make space to hear what they think and feel.”
What do I do if my partner brings up the idea of an open relationship?
Now, if your significant other is the one to first broach the subject, remember the same thing: This isn’t about you, but rather, their needs and curiosities. “The first thing you should do is try not to panic. Take some deep breaths,” Pincus says. “Just because this is something your partner is interested in or curious about doesn’t mean it has to happen and doesn’t mean there is anything wrong with you.”
Pincus recommends taking time to explore the topic online, reading books, and maybe even taking classes or talking with a therapist. You don’t need to make a decision from the jump. Just have the conversation, and see where it leads.
How do I know if an open relationship is right for me?
Open relationships aren't for everyone. That much is probably obvious, but there’s a big disparity between being intrigued by the concept and it *actually* working for you and your relationship.
So, how do you go about sussing it all out? For starters, ask yourself if you’re a person who falls in love with more than one person. And then, are you comfortable with your partner having sex with other people? There’s a big difference between wanting to explore and feeling okay with your significant other doing the same.
“If you don’t feel comfortable with the idea [that your partner] is having sex with more than one person, then this is not for you,” Pincus says. “You have to think clearly about your values and what are your attachment issues and how are you going to deal with them if attachment issues come up.”
Being in an open relationship doesn’t mean you’re somehow more emotionally intelligent or superior to those who abide by monogamous dating patterns. As Pincus puts it, “That’s bullsh*t.” Consensual non-monogamy isn’t for everyone, just like monogamy isn’t for everyone.
“Some people are just not cut out for it. It doesn’t feel good to some people, and trying to push those people into those relationships is harmful,” she says.
Once you’ve tackled your sexual values and romantic aspirations, think about your communication skills. These are important in any relationship, but especially when you’re dealing with more complex conversations. Can you tolerate a little bit of discomfort? Because, hey, guess what—just because you’ve agreed to a consensual non-monogamous relationship doesn't mean it’s all smooth sailing, especially from the jump. That’s a myth! Just like the misconception that jealousy can’t exist in an open relationship. It’s actually a pretty important emotion, and one you need to confront if you want to make your open relationship work.
“There’s this idea that you need to eradicate jealousy to be good at being in an open relationship. People are shaming themselves on some level for feeling jealous and trying to get rid of that feeling and that’s a really unfortunate direction,” Levinson says. “There’s no getting rid of an emotion. The work is in making space for that very natural, human interaction and figuring out how to get curious about what’s going on."
If you start feeling uncomfortable, you don't have to repress those feelings. Instead, Levinson says it's important to "learn how to have a possessive jealous feeling while at the same time learning how to support your partner and figuring out how to balance those seemingly opposite approaches.”
What general ground rules should I follow in an open relationship?
Being that all open relationships can be different in some shape or form, there’s not a singular rulebook or set of guidelines for how to properly navigate this style. That said, there are some practical ground rules and thoughtful methods to maintain a healthy dynamic in a consensual non-monogamous relationship.
Here are a few to keep in mind, per Pincus and Levinson:
Practice safe sex and get tested regularly.
Consider each partners’ feelings.
Acknowledge the edge of your comfort zone and voice that to a partner or partners.
Be transparent and acknowledge your agreements.
“Treat everybody like a person,” Pincus says. “Don’t treat people as things, and don’t treat people as need fulfillment. They’re not just here to fulfill your needs—they’re a whole person; they have their own needs.”
What are the benefits of being in an open relationship?
First off, negotiating and navigating an open relationship can help you communicate with your partner(s) and tap into what you really want. Developing the capacity to both convey your wants, desires, and feelings, as well as taking multiple perspectives into account, is incredibly valuable, Levinson says.
“To be able to take so many different perspectives and figure out how to have meaningful conversation when you feel an integrity with yourself, it gives you the chance to know yourself really well,” she says.
And while not everyone is cut out for an open relationship, there are plenty of benefits (like, hey, freedom!) for those that are comfortable with the structure or might even identify as polyamorous. There’s always possibility—the possibility of meeting someone new, sparking a visceral connection, maybe even falling in love all while maintaining a healthy, long-term relationship with another partner. As Pincus puts it, “It’s fun and makes you feel alive.”
“Long-term [monogamous] relationships are really wonderful, and they help you feel known and seen and connected, but there’s not the excitement of a new person,” she says. “I think people like to have both of those things and have access to both of those things, and monogamous culture doesn't really allow for that.”
While more partners doesn’t automatically equate to more perks, a relationship that allows for room (whether you have multiple partners or you’re just free to get with that hot guy at the bar) can fulfill needs not otherwise met. It’s simple math, really.
“There’s the benefit of being able to get different things from multiple relationships and being able to try different things and be in different roles in different relationships,” Pincus says. “And as far as parenting, the more adults helping parent any child, the better.” (After all, wrangling a bunch of kids is a whole lot easier when you’re not outnumbered by them, right?)
How do I tell a potential date or secondary partner that I'm in an open relationship?
None of us like wasting our time (though, to be fair, some of our dating histories might scream otherwise). It’s important to disclose your open relationship from the beginning for that reason—not just to protect your own time, but the other person’s as well. Going on two or three dates before revealing this massive chunk of your identity is a recipe for wasted time.
Both Levinson and Pincus recommend using dating apps for that reason, and revealing your preferred dating structure right on your profile or in early messages. This way, you’re only engaging with individuals that are comfortable with your pre-existing open relationship or even the idea of having an open relationship together. What if you meet someone IRL, though?
“If you’re meeting people in person, would you say that in the first sentence? No, not necessarily,” Levinson says. “It really depends on when it feels organic to the conversation, but if you’re making plans to go on a date with someone, I personally would say, ‘Hey, just wanted to give you the heads up that this is my preferred relationship structure.’ Give them the option to not waste their time.”
Say or send something as simple as, “Hey, I just want you to know I’m non-monogamous and prefer dating multiple people at once. I want to respect both of our time and make sure we’re on the same page before we progress. Are you looking for an exclusive relationship?” Easy.
The equation to a perfect open relationship doesn’t exist, because the variables to achieve that are different person to person and relationship to relationship, but understanding and honoring feelings and boundaries? Now that’s a green flag.
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