Is Everyone Solo Dating Without Me? Why Solitude Is the Next Big Wellness Trend

Art by Channing Smith. Photos courtesy of Getty Images.

Romantic prospects may come and go, but your relationship with yourself is forever. Why cherish it less than other long-term commitments? That’s where the concept of solo dating comes in.

Solo dating, also known as self-dating and sometimes even (unfortunately) “masturdating,” is embracing life without a plus one, and therefore, sans external validation. The whole point is to stop waiting around for someone to join you, and do what you want anyway and embark on that “romantic” or otherwise fun activity typically reserved for traditional dates or groups. Think: dinner and a movie, music festivals, going bowling, or singing karaoke.

“People are recognizing the importance of investing in their relationship with themselves and trying activities they want to experience instead of putting them on hold while waiting for a partner to join them,” Roxy Zarrabi, Psy.D, a clinical psychologist specializing in helping women boost self-esteem, tells Glamour. “Additionally, it’s easy to become burnt out with modern dating, and many people are taking breaks from dating apps because they notice how it’s affecting their mood and want to spend time more intentionally.”

Spending time alone isn’t a new concept, obviously, but letting go of the idea that we need other people in order to do the things we want can be a form of wellness and self-care in today’s frenetic world. “We use dating to get to know someone and build a relationship with them. With solo dating, you’re getting to know yourself and deepen the relationship with yourself,” Jenna Brownfield, PhD, LP, a Minneapolis-based psychologist, says. “It might include treating yourself like you would treat someone you’re dating: spending undistracted attention on yourself, being curious about yourself, planning fun activities, or going to enjoyable restaurants or coffee shops.”

Sounds easy and fun enough, right? Content creators seem to think so: Hundreds of TikTok and Redditors chronicle their solitary adventures online, encouraging others to do the same for the sake of their well-being. At the time of writing, related search terms like “solo dating,” “date yourself,” “date by myself," and “solo date ideas” have amassed amassed millions of views and even sparked subsequent Reddit debates on whether solo dating is “sad,” “confusing,” “empowering,” or something else entirely.

When everything from your breakfast to your getting-ready routine can be documented online 24/7, unplugging to do something completely for yourself, regardless of what anyone might think, is downright liberating. “Our current digital age and social media culture leaves us with little privacy,” Dr. Brownfield says. “Solo dating is a way to reclaim a private life, something that’s just for you, outside the eyes and judgments of others.”

It’s also easy to get lost in cultivating an image online and even lose sight of our true selves in the process, adds Lynn Zakeri, LCSW, a social worker and therapist. “Solo dating can force us to get real again; we are not an image or a persona. ‘Who the hell am I? I am going to take myself to dinner and find out!’”

This is equally applicable IRL, since sometimes, we need a reminder that we don’t only exist in relation to—and for—other people. For example: Are you someone who always has to ask for advice before making a decision? Solo dating can help you unlearn that behavior. “We all benefit from validation, and it’s not unusual to seek it. However, seeking external validation can become an issue when you’re not able to provide yourself with any internal validation,” Dr. Zarrabi says, and Zakeri agrees.

“Many have an inclination to people please—‘I don’t care, you pick! Whatever you want is fine with me’!—solo dating challenges that and encourages us to trust ourselves,” Zakeri says. But it’s not just about trusting ourselves. “There is self-compassion, but there is also really liking yourself and enjoying time with yourself,” she clarifies. “By solo dating, you get to know yourself deeper and change your relationship with yourself.”

This practice is especially healing for anyone who might feel “unlovable” or whom society has told that some aspect of them is, Dr. Brownfield adds. “For example, some LGBTQ+ people have to learn to love themselves despite living in a society that can teach them they are unlovable,” she says. “Solo dating, therapy, and affirming relationships are all ways to help them dismantle any internalized homophobia and build self-love."

Finally, solo dating allows us to see that the activities we typically view as “shared” don’t have to be treated as such. “You can enjoy these activities all on your own, whether it be going to a movie, dining out, or going to a museum,” Dr. Brownfield says. “Solo dating allows you to reclaim enjoyable activities in your life, instead of them only being seen as shared activities.”

The pros of solo dating are endless, she continues. “You get to do something enjoyable without it depending on others’ availability. You get to know more about yourself. You learn what things you like or don’t like without the social pressure of other people’s opinions and without trying to impress someone.”

Solo dating enthusiasts definitely agree. “I’m an only child, so I’ve basically been taking myself on solo dates my whole life,” Glamour deputy editor Anna Moeslein says. “I think I need to recharge my social battery more than most, so it’s a way for me to get out without draining myself energetically.”

Moeslein is such a fan of the practice, in fact, that her husband once gifted her alone time. “For Valentine’s Day, my husband actually paid for me to have a staycation while he watched our infant twins at home. I sat at a bar alone and ate steak, drank wine, and read the latest Sarah J. Maas book. It was the most romantic thing he could have done for me.”

Ces Heredia, a 31-year-old freelance writer living in Mexico who’s been going on solo dates since 2013, echoes the social battery sentiment. “As much as I love hanging out with friends and dating, being on a solo date gives me the chance to enjoy the moment and experience things out of my daily routine without having to drain my social battery,” she says. “I don’t have the pressure to speak and carry a conversation.”

It’s also helped raise her romantic dating standards, she adds. “I treat myself really well, so that’s my standard now. Anyone who can’t or won’t meet that can kindly move along.”

In case it wasn’t obvious, you don’t have to be single to solo date. Helen G., a 40-year-old HR manager living in Brooklyn, has a long-term partner whom she loves but simply isn’t into some of the things she is. “I take myself out on amazing dates, and they don’t take away from the wonderful dates I have with my partner. I’ve done it since I was in my 20s, and it’s never felt weird to me,” she says, adding that it’s helped the relationship.

“Not only is it a deep form of self-care, but I’m not resentful at my partner for keeping me away from all the things I want to do. I think so many people think you have to compromise when another person is involved, but she loves me the way I am and she knows that includes my solo dates and solo trips!”

You don’t have to wait for a plus one to do all the things you’ve wanted to try. “I hate when I want to do something and then I don’t do it because I don’t have any company, but realized I don’t need to do things with other people in order to do them,” Elsa Cavazos, a 28-year-old freelance writer living in California, says of why she loves—and recommends—going on solo dates.

“Last year, I went to a music festival by myself, and I’ve been to several concerts on my own and have had dinner on my own,” she adds. “More people should be doing this. It’s really healthy to learn how to enjoy your own company.”

“If you don’t like to be with yourself, then why would other people want to be with you?” Cavazos concludes. “If you’re waiting for someone to do something with you, then you might be missing out on having a great time.”

Danielle Sinay is the associate beauty editor at Glamour. Follow her on Instagram @daniellesinay.

Originally Appeared on Glamour