As we continue our terrifying journey through 2020, it’s important to remember the poor souls who sacrificed themselves to The Masked Singer. These unsung heroes (literally, most of them cannot sing) bravely fell victim to a fleet of haunted costumes intent on destroying humanity. Their leader? A soulless creature from season 2 who simply goes by “Egg.”
^Don’t look directly into his eyes! SHIELD YOURSELVES!
It seems only right that as The Masked Singer begins its eggciting third season, we pay homage to the
A B C D-list celebrities featured on the show. Here’s to hoping their therapy bills aren’t too high in 2020!
Psst! If you wanna know all the theories and predictions for season 3, do that thing where you click on the link.
Miss Monster: Chaka Khan
Miss Monster is flawless, Chaka Khan is flawless, the end. Actually, I'm not done: the fact that she was voted off is insane, and I for one, blame The Banana.
The Llama: Drew Carey
No man has ever been more confused than Drew Carey crawling out of that llama’s lifeless body. The image of his face emerging from a sack of fur will forever haunt me.
The Robot: Lil Wayne
Congrats to Lil Wayne for being the first actual celebrity this show has ever seen! Truly never thought I’d live to see this day due to assuming The Masked Singer would kill me first!
The Fox: Wayne Brady
Wayne Brady won this thing, which means his life for the foreseeable future will be talking about The Masked Singer. Please add him to the list of celebs you pray for every night.
The Flamingo: Adrienne Bailon
Due to devoting years of my life to stanning The Cheetah Girls, I’d like you to please respect my privacy at this difficult time. Thanks.
The Rottweiler: Chris Daughtry
Name one thing scarier then watching a cute stuffed dog decapitate its own head while crowds chant “TAKE IT OFF, TAKE IT OFF.” Exactly, you cannot.
The Leopard: Seal
Things scarier than the Leopard’s cold, dead eyes? The fact that Seal, a professional singer, agreed to do this show.
The Thingamajig: Victor Oladipo
Thanks to Thingamajig, I am now attracted to monster costumes. It goes without saying that I’ll be invoicing The Masked Singer directly for my therapy bills.
The Tree: Ana Gasteyer
I regret to inform you that the holidays are canceled because Santa accidentally watched Ana Gasteyer get mind-controlled by a Christmas tree and has been unresponsive ever since.
The Butterfly: Michelle Williams
All I am going to say is that the career trajectory of Beyoncé vs. the rest of Destiny’s Child has been...interesting to witness.
The Flower: Patti LaBelle
Patti LaBelle is a national treasure and the fact that she went on The Masked Singer is a national emergency.
The Ladybug: Kelly Osbourne
I’m honestly very much here for Kelly Osbourne dressing as the Ladybug and joining the cast of this show. What I’m not here for is her costume, which I’m pretty sure is my sleep-paralysis demon.
The Black Widow: Raven-Symoné
In case you were wondering, no, I am not willing to refrain from making the world’s most obvious joke, so on that note: THAT’S SO RAVEN!!!!!
The Penguin: Sherri Shepherd
Me after seeing the Penguin’s costume: Penguins are canceled, birds are canceled, animals are canceled, the human species is canceled, etc.
The Skeleton: Paul Shaffer
It was honestly so kind of Paul Shaffer to dress up as me during this show!!!!
The Eagle: Dr. Drew Pinsky
I don’t know about you, but I think the American bald eagle deserves a public apology for this truly damaging brand moment. Also, great to see Dr. Drew putting his medical degree to good use!
The Panda: Laila Ali
Laila Ali can literally do no wrong in my eyes, so if she wants to spend her free time dressed as the Panda on The Masked Singer, then I am in full support. Live your life, live your truth, Laila Ali!
The Ice Cream: Tyler “Ninja” Blevins
Still don’t know who this person is (sorry to this man), but here’s what’s crystal clear: ice cream is dead to me.
The Egg: Johnny Weir
I cannot even begin to describe the palpable relief I felt when the Egg cracked, if you will, and revealed himself to be Olympic skater Johnny Weir. Finally, I was free from my emotional prison, but I’ll never be free from the memories.
The Monster: T-Pain
IDK who hurt T-Pain, but he spent weeks of his life hiding in a monster costume only to end up being crowned the winner of The Masked Singer season 1. Wow, what a thing to have on your Wikipedia page.
The Peacock: Donny Osmond
Donny strutted his stuff inside the Peacock so triumphantly that he claimed second place on this cursed show. I can only assume he’s no longer able to be around birds without bursting into tears.
The Bee: Gladys Knight
Gladys won third place during season 1, which means she was trapped in that costume for literal weeks just buzzing around (*laughs weakly*), desperately waiting to be eliminated.
The Rabbit: Joey Fatone
Remember when you were an innocent youth watching Joey Fatone dance his way through NSYNC and you were all, “Wow, this is what an A-lister looks like.” Yeah, well, Joey ended up stuffed into a rabbit costume made out of what I can only assume is the Easter Bunny’s literal skin.
The Lion: Rumer Willis
If you’d have told me last year that celebrity royalty Rumer Willis would be on this show, I’d have assumed you were lion to me. AHAAHAHAHAhahahahaah.*
*To be clear, this is the sound of me crying, not laughing.
The Alien: La Toya Jackson
The only thing more shocking than Donald Trump winning the 2016 election was La Toya Jackson, actual person with talent, doing this show and not even winning. I demand a recount.
The Raven: Ricki Lake
Honestly, Ricki Lake is exactly the type of celebrity I imagine when I think of The Masked Singer, so I have no problem with her emerging from the Raven’s body and ruining Edgar Allan Poe’s life’s work in the process.
The Unicorn: Tori Spelling
Fun fact: Jenny McCarthy suggested that Lauren Conrad might be lurking inside the Unicorn. Like, girl wouldn’t even go to Paris. You really think she’d be on The Masked Singer?
The Poodle: Margaret Cho
Upon being unmasked, Margaret Cho uttered a sentence that has haunted me for the better part of a year: “I liked the head, and I felt comfortable inside of it.”
The Deer: Terry Bradshaw
Has anyone checked on Super Bowl MVP Terry Bradshaw since he did this show? Because honestly, I’m not convinced his empty deer costume didn’t reanimate like some sort of horned corpse and attack him.
The Pineapple: Tommy Chong
The Pineapple was voted off thanks to a woefully weak performance of “I Will Survive.” Ironic due to Tommy not surviving this competition.
The Hippo: Antonio Brown
Not only did Antonio Brown agree to dance around in a hippo costume, but he was also voted off in the first episode. Truly, my heart bleeds for him.
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