Every New Pokémon from Pokémon Sword and Shield , Ranked

There are so many types of Pokémon—good ones, bad ones, evil ones, cute ones, ones that are quite literally made out of garbage. The one thing they all share is that they are all Pokémon—you simply cannot deny it. Plus, I love all Pokémon as if they were my own children.

While most people are too cowardly to rank their children on a scale of garbage child to best child, I am not! Therefore, I present to you the best and most objective ranking of all of the newest Pokémon to make their debuts in Pokémon Sword and Shield.

(A quick note before we get started: I know that game development is very difficult and taxing, and I would like to make it clear that I love and appreciate every single member of the team that worked on bringing these wonderful creations to life. However, I will not show the same mercy to your creations.) Let’s begin!

81. Arctovish

Idiot fish with a big head. BAD!

80. Rolycoly

A scooter wheel that got some pebbles stuck to it.

79. Eldegoss

This is the kind of thing that kills you when you wander into the Annihilation bubble.

78. Arctozolt

God made a mistake.

77. Dracovish

While I do appreciate the bad-looking Pokémon more than most, this one is just terrifyingly bad in every way.

76. Appletun

Some sort of apple pie turtle hybrid. It looks like it crawled out of hell.

75. Polteageist

I like the glib cute object-based Pokémon, but this one irritates me in way that I can’t explain. Throw it out!

74. Arrokuda

A plain fish with a dumb smile.

73. Sinistea

Better than it’s evolution but still not great.

72. Morgrem

Horrible, nasty middle-schooler-looking Pokémon.

71. Inteleon

I can’t explain it but this guy is a pervert.

70. Hattrem

I don’t hate Hattrem but it gets blown out of the water by its next evolution so badly, that it looks worse by comparison.

69. Milcery

I know it’s supposed to be like a drop of milk but it looks like… well, you know. I put this one at 69 on purpose.

68. Thwackey

The fact that Grookey evolves into this idiot makes me irrationally angry.

67. Thievul

It’s just a fox with a mustache.

66. Boltund

An electric dog! It evolves from Yamper, which is an electric Corgi. The fact that Boltund is not a corgi automatically makes it worse. Is that unfair? I don’t care.

65. Grimmsnarl

It’s like if Todd Mcfarlane’s Spawn got to draw a Pokémon.

64. Centiskorch

Bug Pokémon either need to be insufferably cute or unbearable to look at—anything that toes the line like Centiskorch will pay the price.

63. Wooloo

A sheep. That’s really all there is to say.

62. Dracozolt

Another one of god’s mistakes. At least this time the colors go together better.

61. Barraskewda

It’s the fish with the dumb face again! But this time he’s into BMX and MOUNTAIN DEW.

60. Gossifleur

It’s supposed to be a bouquet of flowers but I wish it was more colorful!

59. Sandaconda

This guy (and his evolution, which we will discuss shortly) would be way down the list except they look hilariously sad, which I can relate to deeply.

58. Silicobra

It’s the last guy, but he got his head stuck in a donut! Ha ha ha I am a deeply broken person.

57. Eternatus

He’s like if a dragon got into The Matrix but turned into a computer glitch.

56. Nickit

I love this little guy. It looks like a fox but if a fox owned a weed pen and smoked it outside the office whenever he got stressed out at work (all the time).

55. Pincurchin

Spiky and cute, and we love that.

54. Sizzlipede

It doesn’t show well here, but in game, these guys are incredibly small, which I love.

53. Cramorant

An unhinged bird. Fun!

52. Dubwool

A mountain goat.

51. Indeedee

These guys look like tiny little cherubic demons.

50. Zamazenta

Okay I’m sorry that this guy is not higher but it’s a dog that ate a shield and got its face stuck that way.

49. Falinks

It’s eyes are spikes! Ahhhhhhhh!!!!!!!!!

48. Runerigus

This one is a 9/11 truther.

47. Hatenna

Adorable! It has a little party hat on and a big smile! My child!

46. Flapple

A bat made from an apple core! Just an insane idea! I love it I can’t get enough of it! I’m getting high just thinking about it!

45. Orbeetle

Kind of like a big angry ladybug looking-thing. It’s okay.

44. Greedent

A wonderful fat squirrel [ed. note: same]. I want to hang out with this guy.

43. Carkol

The audacity of the Pokémon team to literally just make a minecart with a face...

42. Clobbopus

He looks so scared. Come here lil guy I’ll protect you….wait….who’s that with you?

41. Grapploct

OH GOD, OH NO, I’M SORRY MAN!!!! I’LL LEAVE, DON’T KILL ME!!!

40. Skwovet

I know you’re supposed to hate the starting zone Pokémon but honestly? This guy’s just fine.

39. Applin

It’s just an apple with eyes on top! INCREDIBLE. Their minds.

38. Obstagoon

This is ostensibly just an evil raccoon on steroids that's doing the Birdman hand rub. Undeniably good.

37. Dreepy

Incredible. He looks like he has a single brain cell and I love that for him.

36. Alcremie

A living goop of ice cream. Yummy.

35. Hatterene

Do you see this outfit? That, my friend, is TASTE.

34. Cursola

It’s a ghost that's come to life in the form of a living coral statue. I presume it’s here to kill us all in order to stop the elimination of the coral reefs and global warming. We simply have to stan.

33. Duraludon

He looks like a building from a PS1 game that came to life to fight Godzilla.

32. Corvisquire

A big angry raven. I, too, feel like that sometimes.

31. Rookidee

A small angry raven! Again, I can relate.

30. Stonjourner

It’s Stonehenge come to life to stomp around angrily. Is this Brexit?

29. Toxtricity

I love this guy because it looks like a mascot for an energy drink from the ‘90’s that would probably cause kidney failure.

28. Copperajah

Everytime Gamefreak makes an elephant Pokémon, I grow 1% stronger.

27. Frosmoth

An evil moth who looks like it loves winter because that's when it really gets to start dressin’.

26. Snom

Adorable? Yes, but deep down you just know this is a being of pure evil. Check this shit out:

See? What else does Snom have to say?

Shit, okay, maybe Snom needs to be number one… too late though!

25. Blipbug

A bug Pokémon with eyes the size of it’s own body. You have to give it up to this guy.

24. Rillaboom

The final evolution of Grookey. He looks like a member of Korn who just plays a giant drum and jumps around on stage. Per the media salary sheet, he makes $350,000 per year.

23. Perrserker

The is the evolution of Galarian Meowth. You don’t care about that, I know, but imagine a tiny little feral cat chasing you around and throwing money at your face. My dream!

22. Cufant

I am now 2% more powerful. Thank you tiny elephant!

21. Mr. Rime

I am not allowed to publish the entire script for Joker (2019) but just imagine that here instead.

20. Coalossal

It’s like a turtle that got turned into a mech thats powered by coal: bad for the environment, but great for my heart.

19. Drakloak

I love this guy because you just know he’s scheming about how to steal somebody's credit card off the internet.

18. Morpeko

It’s like the vanilla-chocolate swirl version of Pikachu.

17. Dottler

This weird papercraft beetle can call me dad.

16. Toxel

Toxel looks and acts like a child, which endears him to my heart greatly.

15. Sirfetch'd

Sirfetch’d would be the number one Pokémon on this list, but he carries incredibly powerful Men’s Rights Activist energy so he has to be knocked back a few spots. This is the kind of guy would walk up to a woman talking to somebody at a bar and be like “Excuse me queen, is this guy bothering you?”

14. Drednaw

Every Pokémon game must have one giant angry turtle in it. This one is a snapping turtle. Powerful! One time, when I was 10, a snapping turtle nearly bit off a kid’s finger at the summer camp I was at. Scarring!

13. Chewtle

Look at this idiot. He’s the most dopey looking Pokémon I’ve ever seen in my life. He looks like he can eat only carrots because of his messed up mouth. He looks like he would chew the leg of your brand new couch to splinters because he was teething. I love him with my whole heart.

12. Sobble

Sobble is the most anxious looking Pokémon in the entire world. He literally cries nonstop. It’s like if you combined a frightened 5-year-old (adorable), a jungle frog (adorable), and a gecko (adorable) into one anxiety-riddled package.

11. Scorbunny

I have no doubt in my mind that Scorbunny would try and kill me in my sleep given the chance. An entity of pure chaos and dissent, Scorbunny thrives on the pain of others. The world has not known peace since Scorbunny came to it. I fear for my life every day around it. That’s why he’s No. 11 on this list and not No. 10.

10. Grookey

I’m sorry but it’s not even close. Grookey is the best first evolution of all of the starters and here’s why: 1. He’s a monkey with a beak. 2. He has a stick that he likes to hit things with. 3. Look at those paws! Every time I have to kill my rival’s Grookey, I feel a deep pang of regret in my heart and that's how I know that he’s great.

9. Drizzile

I’m not gonna lie, at first glance I hated Drizzile. Who is this Hot-Topic ass, food-court-loitering, mall rat sicko? But then I got to know Drizzile a little bit. He told me about his cool opinions on punk music, and how all old people do is fart all day, be racist, and ruin the planet. Then he blew a giant cloud of mango Juul smoke in my face and stole my credit card number (see No. 19). What a lad!

8. Corviknight

Corviknight occupies this spot because it looks too cool and scary to be a Pokémon. Like, it genuinely feels like somebody snuck this into the game without telling any of the developers. Corviknight belongs on a black metal album cover from some Finnish band that only me and four other people will listen to, yet it will still end up on Pitchfork’s albums of the year list anyways. A quality Pokémon that looks as scary as it does awesome.

7. Eiscue

I love this guy. Look at this. It’s a penguin with a block of ice for a head. Now that’s the kind of design that you produce when you’re constantly harassed by 35-year-old men with anime avatars on Twitter for some kind of perceived slight that you’ve committed against Pokémon. Eiscue is what you deserve, you living piles of radioactive waste.

6. Cinderace

Cinderace is an athleisure influencer. This guy lives for Outdoor Voices and really wants you to, too. He also for sure wants to assure you that if you just quit your job and get paid by big companies to exercise all day and post it on social media, you too could look just like him! No excuses: it’s grind time, baby!

5. Yamper

Yamper, my sweet precious child. I could write a thousand words about you and it would not be enough. So instead, I will keep it short and sweet. You are a corgi with electricity powers and a heart on your butt. 🥰

4. Impidimp

Controversial opion here, but Impidimp fucking rules. Look at this moron. He’s just asking to get beat up by everything in the world. A tiny, horrible-looking monster who is constantly taunting the world around him? Perfect! Genius!

3. Zacian

I know that putting a legendary this high is boring, but come on. This mf is just a giant wolf-dog with a massive sword that it carries around everywhere. Are you seriously going to sit there and tell me that this doesn’t own? Because I will call the authorities if you do not leave my page with this kind of shit talk (the authorities, in this case, is a pack of Zacians).

2. Dragapult

Is this the coolest Pokémon ever? It has to be up there. A scheming, conniving little salamander, whose head is shaped like a stealth bomber that shoots missiles that are tiny versions of itself? What even is that?! I want to hang out with this guy and shoplift. He seems like he would be into that.

1. Raboot

It feels unjust that I have to sit here and tell you why Raboot is the best new Pokémon, but this content doesn’t write itself. Raboot is like the moody teenager athlete who never wears anything but a hoodie and sweatpants, and wishes he wasn’t so talented so he could go play Smash Bros with his friends instead of traveling all around the world on his youth academy soccer team. Raboot kicks opposing Pokémon in the face, like, all the time, and never makes a big deal about it. Raboot is probably the only Pokémon to ever exist that has a built in hoodie pocket! If you cannot see the appeal in any of this, then you are beyond help.

Two GQ contributors hash out the new Nintendo Switch games.

Originally Appeared on GQ