Is It Ever Okay Not To Send A Thank You Note?
Mama always told us thank-you notes are nonnegotiable, but some circumstances allow for a little flexibility.
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Recently, when another Southern Living editor welcomed a baby into her family, I dropped off some homemade granola and yogurt with a congratulatory message and a follow-up text that she should not, under any circumstances, write me a thank-you note. I meant it! My goal in bringing over a simple breakfast was to make a new mom’s life easier, not add one more thing to her to-do list. Of course, her Mobile, Alabama, mother must have taken the same drill sergeant approach to thank-you notes that my Charleston mom had, and within days, her thoughtful words of gratitude landed in my mailbox. I rolled my eyes and laughed—surely she could’ve used a nap or a shower in the time she’d spent writing it—but it also made me smile in appreciation. After all, nobody’s ever been upset about receiving a thank-you note, even one that the writer was told not to send! But it does raise a fair etiquette question: If someone tells you not to send a thank-you note, is it okay to take them up on it? Here’s what our etiquette experts and editors had to say.
Meet the Experts
Diane Gottsman is a national etiquette expert, author of "Modern Etiquette for a Better Life," and founder of The Protocol School of Texas.
Lisa Richey is the founder of Manners To Go and The American Academy of Etiquette, Inc. in Raleigh, North Carolina.
When Should You Send A Thank-You Note?
For Diane Gottsman, a national etiquette expert and founder of The Protocol School of Texas, it’s cut and dry when it comes to presents: “Always send a thank-you note for a gift,” she advises. “Even when someone says, ‘Please don’t,’ smile kindly and get your pen and pretty stationery out when you get home. It’s similar to when someone says, ‘Please don’t stand up’ for an introduction. Always stand and always write! You can never go wrong doing either.”
Lisa Richey, founder of Raleigh, North Carolina-based Manners To Go and The American Academy of Etiquette, Inc., agrees. “Now, more than ever, it is time to get personal,” she says. “Sending an email or a text to thank someone for a gift is not personal.” And there’s no such thing as too many thank yous, she suggests: “Every time you get a present, you should send a handwritten thank-you note. No matter how small the present (or how many you receive), your gift-givers deserve a letter of thanks for each one.” That’s in part because of all the time and thought that goes into giving a gift, she says, from coming up with the perfect token to delivering it.
Is It Ever Okay Not To Send A Thank-You Note?
Other gestures may allow for a bit more flexibility, says Gottsman. For instance, if a neighbor picks up a gallon of milk for you while they’re already at the grocery store, a simple spoken ‘thank you’—and perhaps a few muffins made with the milk they grabbed for you—will do the trick.
While writing a thank-you note is clearly the gold standard of polite behavior, this black-and-white perspective doesn’t always accommodate life’s curve balls. Context matters and sometimes allows a little wiggle room. “If it's something they've sent because there was a death in the family, a new baby, or something time-consuming or emotionally taxing going on, I might take them up on their offer not to write a thank you—even if it's for a short time and only until I can send a note once things aren't so hectic,” says Southern Living Senior Special Projects Katie Rousso. “Otherwise, I typically write the thank-you note anyway. It can be hard to keep track of who told you to or not to, so I just make my way down my list.” Which brings up another point: While promptness is preferred, better late than never is an adage worth subscribing to when it comes to thank-you notes.
Finally, whether or not you feel comfortable taking someone up on their offer not to write a thank-you note sometimes comes down to your relationship with the giver. For me, if a very close friend explicitly tells me not to send one, I may take her up on the generous invitation—and then make sure I’m extra vocal in my gratitude the next time we’re together. But if my husband’s aunt or my mom’s best friend were to make the same offer, I’d never dare skip the note, no matter how sincere they may be! My mama didn't raise a fool.
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