Is It Ever Okay...To Eat the Food Off Your Date’s Plate?

Welcome to “Is It Ever Okay,” Bon Appetit’s etiquette column. Have a question? Email staff.bonappetit@gmail.com.

How much PDA is too much PDA at a restaurant? —Touchy Trevor

Any. Footsie? Violent, should be illegal. Putting food in someone else’s mouth who isn’t in a high chair? Repulsive. Holding hands across a table. I HATE THAT. GET A ROOM.

Is it okay to eat off your date’s plate? (A hungry guy friend is asking.) —Audacious Adam

How dare you, sir. NO. Unless you’re in a loving, committed relationship and this clause is included IN YOUR WEDDING VOWS, thou shalt not fork a single radish off my plate unless you’ve been invited to. Especially French fries. There’s a three fry rule of fry theft (and only one if steak fries), and after that, you better order a side for yourself. The nerve! This question comes from a place of patriarchal entitlement mixed with some stereotypes about delicate ladies who can’t handle an entire quarter pounder. I’m huffing and puffing. I’ll blow this house of pancakes down! I’M HUNGRY TOO. And don’t you dare ever ask me, “gonna finish that?” I will m u r d e r.

The following date night restaurant scenarios are RED FLAG indicators that the relationship needs to end right here and now:

• They’re rude to waiters

• They’re bad tippers

• They ask “gonna finish that?”

• They tease you for not drinking

• They call the bathroom “the little boy’s room”

• They reveal they’re a starred Yelp reviewer

How do you get strong food tastes out of your mouth before making out on the sidewalk? (And without making it obvious that you anticipated the make out)? —Attagirl Annalee

Am I the only one who finds super minty kisses sort of jarring and dental? Halitosis is unfortunate and that’s a whole other ball game, but just like, food tastes? WHO CARES. I love food! We probably ate the same things and have the same flavored saliva! (Martini-French-fries-mayo if things went as planned.) My first kiss was at the movies and he was eating a huge, bulging, veiny... pickle. It was a pickle juice kiss! Delightful. Things didn’t work out.

SNACK BREAK!

Get it? Dates. This almond and date mix gets roasted in a cast iron skillet and it’s pure ROMANCE. The dates get gooey and caramelized, the almonds get toasted, there’s some citrus and herbs in there to keep things interesting, and you can eat it by the handful or smash it onto crusty bread.

What would you make for a Valentine's Day meal ...for one? —Lone Lina

Personally? Nachos. Double layer. Tostitos (REGULAR. NOT SCOOPS), refried beans, shredded cheddar. Jar of pickled jalapeños to apply to each individual chip. But that answer isn’t going to offer the opportunity to plug a Bon Appétit recipe or three. Soooo. In that case. I’d do this easy yet decadent skirt steak with pan sauce with a side of Trader Joe’s frozen hash browns. Drink the rest of the white wine you used in the sauce, on ice. In this scenario, however, you aren’t going to watch Netflix and get all cozy. You’re going to eat that steak and do some laundry, gather all the forms you need for your taxes, pay your credit card bill. Then you have my permission to pay for porn. The high quality stuff. It’s called financial health.

What date number is a burp okay? —Belching Brittany

One if the date’s at a brewery and you do that thing where you cover your mouth and burp under your breath, which I find impossibly sexy, alluring, and mysterious. What are you doing under there? Burping? Oh you sly devil! Get into my bed!

What's a good Valentine's Day cake or dessert? —Jovial Justin

These molten caramel cakes, hands down.

What is your strategy to make sure Valentine’s Day dinner feels rich and indulgent, but not so heavy as to put the damper on any other evening activities? —Caring Ceili

I’m pretty sure you’re asking what dinner will still make you want to have sex afterward. Too heavy a meal, and you’ll just want to lay on your left side and yell at the kids on MasterChef Junior. Too light and you’re what, on a diet now? Here’s the thing. Just make a rich and indulgent meal. I’d like these lamb meatballs, please, with a crispy fennel salad. The problem with feeling gross and bloated is that our portion sizes are too big. Serve dinner on a smaller plate, make a salad, and then here’s my pro move: go for a walk after dinner. It’ll feel all romantic and stuff but it’ll help you digest and you can crop dust the neighbor’s begonias. A few hours later, after you’ve cuddled under the blankets and finished the day’s crossword puzzle, you’ll realize morning sex is better anyway.

That’s all for now, but if you have any etiquette questions on the theme of TRAVELING (or anything else, honestly) or recipe requests, email staff.bonappetit@gmail.com and be too specific. I want the juicy details!

Love, Alex