What Is Even Happening on Riverdale ?
Warning: Spoilers for Riverdale season 2, episode 17, "The Noose Tightens," ahead.
Wow. Just wow. So much happened in Chapter 30 of Riverdale that I barely have the means to process it all. From Archie's attempts to be Hiram's #1 henchman to Betty and Jughead's drug dealer face-off and Cheryl's jailbreak, it's like we were watching The Godfather, West Side Story, and Shawshank Redemption all in one episode.
To cover all our bases, here's what you absolutely need to know: After Chic's dead drug dealer's car is pulled from the lake, Betty, Jughead, Chic, FP, and Alice are scrambling to keep up appearances and not draw any unwanted attention. I bet you can guess how that turned out. Chic leads the drug dealer's ex and his old "boss" back to the Cooper home, where they demand money and threaten Betty with a boxcutter. When Jughead and the Serpents rescue them, Alice finally kicks creepy Chic out of the house; Betty is back in the Cooper home and Alice has united with the Serpents.
Meanwhile, Archie attempts to protect Hiram from menacing business partners who are requesting too much of the Riverdale Prison pie. After they reveal that Hiram's enforcers have all abandoned him, it's up to Archie and the Bulldogs to send a message. So they blow up a car. Hiram gifts Archie a convertible.
Lastly, Toni and Veronica stage a breakout when they learn Cheryl's being kept against her will at the Sisters of Quiet Mercy, which does gay conversion therapy on the low-low. Cheryl is now ready for her starring role as Carrie in the school musical.
Got it? Good. Now, here's everything we've learned about the Riverdale townsfolk on this wild ride.
Archie Andrews....
Is a shit son. He totally abandoned his father's mayoral announcement in favor of blowing up a car for Hiram Lodge. He also announced to the entire school that he was in favor of the prison during the student council debates. Molly Ringwald was not pleased.
Veronica Lodge...
Is a liar. Okay, so this isn't exactly news. She kept her family's secret plan to herself for months and acted like Jughead was crazy every time he got close to the truth. But tonight, she turned on her father and Archie when she acted like she was going to bed, before sneaking away in a great going-out top to rescue Cheryl from the Sisters of Quiet Mercy.
Cheryl Blossom...
Needs a hug. Thankfully, she was rescued from the clutches of conversion therapy camp, which mainly consisted of menial physical labor and watching black-and-white anti-gay movies starring...Kevin and Moose? Anyway, she's out now and ready to take down literally everyone.
Nana Rose...
Is an actual badass. After Penelope tells Veronica, Toni, and Josie that Cheryl is away at a wellness program because of her concerning actions towards Josie (more on that in a second), Nana Rose came to her granddaughter's rescue-even though it seems Penelope has taken away her wheelchair and left her to fend for herself for hours at a time. Nana Rose threw herself from her chair and physically dragged her ass to a phone to tell Toni where Cheryl was. She only got to say "She's with the sisters" before Claudius stopped her, but that was enough.
Josie McCoy...
Is smart and self-preserving. While I normally wouldn't admire someone for turning their back on a friend, her reaction to finding out her stalker was Cheryl Blossom was on point. I'm sorry, but are we supposed to ignore that Cheryl sent her a bleeding pig's heart? I can't. And neither can Josie. Sorry, she's not going to be in the rescue-Cheryl brigade.
Kevin Keller...
Has been hooking up with boys from Sisters of Quiet Mercy. When Veronica and Toni ask him if there's a possibility the "orphanage" has secretly been operating as a conversion therapy camp, Kevin confirms. Apparently there's a hidden passage the "patients" use to hook up in Fox Forest. It all makes sense now-that's who Kevin has been meeting up with on his "runs." from way back at the beginning of season 2.
Also, actual line from the episode: "Kevin, can you lead us to this secret gay hookup tunnel?" So there's that.
Toni Topaz...
Is ride or die. When Penelope drops the bomb that Toni's almost-girlfriend was previously dangerously obsessed with another girl, she is completely #unbothered.
FP Jones...
Is the softest character on this show. Skeet is seriously going to be the death of me. When Alice confronts him for letting Betty live with the Joneses in their "den of sin," he admits that he has been sleeping with Jughead on the pullout couch so B can have his bed. And when Alice tries to force him to kick her out, he punches us all in the gut with this line: “Take it from the guy whose son chose being homeless rather than living with his old man. Make things right with her, before it’s too late.” The feelsiest.
Betty Cooper...
Wants to be a Serpent, I guess. When Sweetpea tells Jughead that he won't be getting their votes because he's dating the daughter of Serpent enemy #1, Betty decides she needs to prove she belongs. (Apparently, that pole dance wasn't enough.) She asks Alice to sign a permission slip for her Serpent tattoo; Alice actually does something I agree with and says a resounding "No." Unfortunately, Betty is Betty and is not deterred.
Side note, Betty has the best line from the night: "Wow, Chic, have you ever been helpful to anyone in any way, ever?” The answer is, of course, no.
Reggie Mantle...
Is "chill."
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