We've barely gotten to know Hannah Brown's contestants on The Bachelorette, but they're already waving their red flags around harder than a track marshal at one of Arie Luyendyk Jr.'s races. I mean, four words: Joe the Box King. But I'm getting ahead of myself. Let's back up and recap from the beginning, shall we?
We open with Hannah describing her Bachelorette journey thus far. "Being the Bachelorette is so surreal," she says. She admits she still feels like, "Why me?" sometimes about this whole thing. Nevertheless, she persists as she drives Chris Harrison around Tuscaloosa, Alabama, screaming "Roll Tide!" out the window.
Cue a montage about Hannah's past as a pageant girl: She loved performing, she says, but she never felt good enough. Even with Colton, "I was struggling to be perfect." That said, she claims that it was with him when she realized for the first time she could just be herself, which is sad. Colton, really? Anyway, it didn't work with him, but she's ready to meet someone who will love her unconditionally. Or as she puts it, "Bless the man who spends forever with me because I'm so much to handle."
So with that said, "Bring on the men!" But first Demi and Katie show up to give Hannah their support. Hannah will need it, if the Bachelorette contestant profiles are any indication.
Let's meet these dudes. Tyler is a general contractor who loves to dance, Footloose style, around his construction sites. He was "two classes away from being a dance minor." Tyler, that is a tough thing to brag about. That is nothing. I'm two classes away from being an art history minor, and you don't see me bragging about it every time I'm at an art museum.
Moving on to Peter. He's an airline pilot, which, OK, that's hot. He's even willing to fly her to New Orleans to get crawfish, a relationship goal I didn't know I needed until now. Mike is a portfolio manager who describes his love life as "Macaulay Culkin Home Alone." I'll give him points for name-dropping one of my favorite movies of all time; also, he's cute with his great-grandma.
And then we meet Joe the Box King. He hands out boxes like he's Oprah. He makes dick jokes. He screams at his mom to get him a meatball. What a catch!
Next up is a palate cleanser: Matt Donald. His parents and older brother are deaf, and I have fallen prey to The Bachelorette editors because I can't say anything snarky. Same goes for Connor J., who has a sweet scene with his mom and grandma.
I do, however, have thoughts about Luke P., a man who loves to pump iron and brag about how many women he had sex with in college. But then God spoke to him in the show and told him not to be such an asshat.
After these video introductions, it's finally time for Hannah to meet the guys. First out of the limo is Garrett. He has a Southern accent, so I imagine he'll go far. Mike is next; when he tells Hannah that she's pretty, she says, "I'm so glad you think I'm pretty." It's as awkward as it sounds.
The next few guys are pretty unmemorable: We meet Jed, Tyler C., Dylan, and Connor S. Then Devin comes out and jokes that he's a virgin. Too soon, Devin. Too soon.
John Paul Jones swoops in with the hair of Devon Sawa in Casper, my first crush, and so I will let him pass.
The next crop of guys seem nervous: Brian, Scott, Matteo, Daron. Tyler G. has eyes so intense my husband shouts, "Hi, I'm Tyler and I'll be killing you tonight!" at the TV. Thomas has a cute gap in his teeth, and Matthew is a "car bid spotter" (someone please tell me what that job is?).
Finally, the Box King arrives in, what else, a box. "Hannah this package isn't complete without you!" he screams as he jumps out of the package. It gets worse: "I just want you to know you check all of my boxes," he tells Hannah, seconds after meeting her. Then he adds, "Yeah, the box king!" My God.
Joey brings a baby carriage to show "what our future could look like." (Reader, it's just a bottle of champagne.) Connor J. speaks to Hannah in French, but I don't think it goes over so well with her. Ryan shows up in skates, which I thought was just a bit until his job description pops up as "roller boy."
Hunter is, like, whatever. Grant is "unemployed," and his whole thing consists of eating a hot dog in front of Hannah. Yikes. Jonathan, however, brings a whole pizza, and I would give him my first impression rose just for that. Kevin "fumbles" a bunch of footballs as he steps out of the limo. OK.
Then Luke P. arrives and actually says "beast mode" as he walks up to Hannah. I tune out the rest of his speech because why.
Luke P. apparently met her during the Women Tell All Special, though I don't remember him being so…like this. But this is a good time to cue all the other guys who have previously met Hannah: Luke S., Dustin, and Cam with his unfortunate rapping. The fact that he already has a rose makes me troubled for the future of this season. "I was spitting some bars like Willy Wonka," he says, as I bury my head in my hands.
Our boy Matt Donald shows up on a tractor and stumbles through a song. At least he apologizes for how bad it is. Next is Chasen, also a pilot, but he's overshadowed by Peter, who's smart enough to show up in his uniform. You just know Hannah has had at least one An Officer and a Gentleman–related dream.
And with that, Hannah's met her 30 bachelors. Chris Harrison reminds her that she has a first-impression rose to give out, but Hannah doesn't know who she'll give it to quite yet.
After Hannah gives her toast, Luke P. grabs her first. He says that even though he doesn't know her well he's "seriously really, really into" her. Cringe. I find him especially hard to swallow after watching Hannah's time with Mike, who at least asks Hannah questions about herself and how she feels. You know, basic conversation skills.
Still, Cam the Rapper gets the first kiss. Gross.
And a twist! Demi and Katie have shown up in a stakeout van because a woman on social media told Demi that some guy in the mansion still has a girlfriend as of Monday. Detective Demi is on the case.
After watching Hannah interact with a few guys, Demi spots the intruder: Scott. "Oh my God, what a douche!" Demi shouts. They tell Hannah what they know: that Scott allegedly told this woman they would still be together when The Bachelorette is over. Hannah immediately pulls Scott aside and calls him out. "I don't have a girlfriend," he protests. The rest of his excuse is so lame it's not worth discussing. I really enjoy how quickly Hannah shuts him down and demands answers; Scott barely tries to talk his way out of it before admitting that, yes, he was dating a girl "up until Monday." He digs a hole by suggesting that because Hannah was recently dating Colton, it's kind of the same thing. Hannah sends him home by basically shooing him out of the mansion.
This might be a great season, after all?
After he leaves, Hannah tells the other guys what happened and asks anyone else who isn't there for the right reasons to get the hell out.
Nobody budges, so she tells them she wants a minute alone to gather herself. Instead of respecting that, Luke P. follows her outside. Maybe it's just his unfortunate tie and pocket square combination, but his energy is odd. Even so, he gets the first impression rose.
And now it's time for the rose ceremony! The roses go to Cam, Mike, one of the Connors, Matthew, the other Connor, Jed, Dustin, Joey, Devin, Peter, Dylan, Matteo, Jonathan, Tyler C., Tyler G., Daron, one of the Lukes, Garrett, Grant, Kevin, and John Paul Jones.
Goodbye to…the other guys, especially Joe the Box King, Ryan, Chasen, and Matt Donald. See you next week!
Anna Moeslein is a senior editor at Glamour. Follow her on Twitter and Instagram @annamoeslein.
Originally Appeared on Glamour