The Bachelorette Season 14 Episode 3 Recap: Why Is Everyone Getting Injured?

How many watch parties were confused tonight when, halfway through the broadcast, The Bachelorette cut over to Donald Trump meeting Kim Jong-Un for the first time? God, I hope at least one person had a little too much Final Rosé and thought Becca was getting two new additions to the mansion. But enough with world politics and on to the important things: This episode's recap.

It's raining in California, so the guys are being appropriately emo—especially Jordan and David. Jordan's the worst, according to David, because he ran around the house naked but also spends too much time picking out clothes. Jordan says David sucks because he's "walking around cooking scrambled eggs all day." Wow, they both make such solid arguments. What side to choose?!

Meanwhile, Colton is sulking because he told Becca last week that he dated her friend, former Bachelor contestant Tia, and it didn't go well. Funny how that works.

But just when I think the guys are moody enough to start smoking clove cigarettes and expanding their beret collections, Chris Harrison comes in with good news: There'll be two group dates and a "fantastic" one-on-one date this week. First up is a group date with the following: Wills, Jason, Jordan, David, Jean Blanc, and Colton.

Colton views this as a chance to prove to Becca his feelings. Cue a knock on the door: It's Tia! She's here with other favorites from Arie's season—Caroline, Bekah, Kendall, and Seinne—to check out the guys and give Becca feedback. Before the guys show up, though, Becca asks Tia about her fling with Colton. It's a little awkward, but Tia says they dated before The Bachelor even started airing and he ended things when he was cast.

Becca, understandably, is concerned that Colton applied for the show thinking Tia was going to be the Bachelorette. Her goal for the group date—which involves the guys pampering the women at a spa—is to feel out whether he's here for her or not.

But first she must introduce the guys to her friends, which brings me to the best part of this episode: BECCA FORGETS JASON'S NAME. I've been watching this show since Jake Pavelka's season, and that is an actual first. Even Arie, a man whose brain is filled with race car exhaust fumes, remembered his contestants' names.

I'd rather spend hours dissecting the ramifications of this than any of the Colton-Tia-Becca drama, but Jason takes it surprisingly well. In fact, when he tells Colton they should talk about the "elephant in the room" he means the Tia situation and not the fact that the woman he is dating doesn't even know his name. LOL this show.

As for the date itself, I think the women spend more time painting the guys' nails than getting pampered. (Fun fact: Jason looks fab in a hot-pink shade.) Kendall's the only one interested in watching how the guys interact with Becca, but I get it: If I were one of these ladies, I'd be all about the free back massages and foot rubs.

But Becca can't fully relax without addressing the Colton-Tia situation head-on, so she pulls Tia aside for a chat. Tia says the most they did was kiss; early on in their relationship, or whatever it was, he told her he applied for the show and that was that. "I hope he's fully here for you," Tia says. This doesn't really answer everything for me—or apparently for Becca because she admits she's still confused.

Later at the after-party, Becca says she really likes Jason and has "a little crush" on him—but girl, you don't know his name! Still, they make out. ¯_(ツ)_/¯

While that's going on, Jordan tells the other dudes that he's had over 4,000 matches on Tinder. The guys try to dissect how much time that would take and the "matching percentages," as if Jordan would have meaningful contributions to a conversation about math.

This annoys David so much that he uses his alone time with Becca to shit-talk Jordan.

Becca teases Jordan about it, which annoys him. A petty fight between Jordan and David ensues that ends with this exchange: "I have trouble achieving a 100 percent success rate in all walks of life," David says. "Hey, cheers to you being a bitch," Jordan shoots back before walking away to clear the air with Becca. The real highlight of this fight is Wills' amazing head shakes, reaction faces, and giggles in the background.

When Becca and Colton finally sit down together, he says some vague things about why he's here. They kiss. It's fine. She gives him the date rose.

The next day Becca has a one-on-one date with Chris. They head to Capitol Records, where Grammy-winning artist Richard Marx is playing the piano. He serenades Becca with "Right Here Waiting," and it's a very romantic date…between Becca and Richard.

Eventually Richard reveals the real reason he's here: to write a love song for Chris and Becca. The two are separated so they can go write in a journal about their feelings. (Uh, told you this episode is extra moody.) Chris says he's having a hard time being vulnerable because his parents divorced when he was young; when he wrote a letter to his dad a few years ago expressing all his feelings about their relationship, it went unanswered. Becca's basically like—in a very nice way!—"Get over it and be vulnerable or else."

The finished love song is good, but let's be real: It's no "Right Here Waiting."

Back at the mansion, the following guys get invited on the next group date: Clay, Leo, Christon, Ryan, John, Garrett, Mike, Lincoln, Connor, and Blake.

On their date, Chris and Becca sit down to a dinner they won't eat and he explains why it's so hard to open up. Becca's happy she got to see that side of him, so she gives him a rose. They go to another room and, you guessed it, Richard Marx is at a piano playing "Right Here Waiting" again. Well, that's now stuck in my head forever, so thanks, Bach.

But hold up: There's a dramatic cut to David being carried out (in his underwear, no less) on a stretcher. There's blood everywhere. Lincoln's saying nobody knows if he's going to make it. What?!

The next morning, with bloody towels still strewn about the mansion, Chris Harrison tells Becca that David was rushed to the hospital and is in intensive care. His diagnosis: "Busted nose. Busted face." Her first question is, "Who did that?" I think that reveals a lot about what Becca really thinks of her Bachelors. The answer is nobody, though: David fell out of his bunk bed and landed on his face.

She calls him to check on him but has to keep the convo short because there's a group date to prioritize. The premise: Two women from the Legends football league are here to make the guys run drills, followed by a "Becca Bowl" football game. I don't have much to say about the game—I watch one sports game a year, the Super Bowl, and only for the snacks—but I do get that it's serious when Clay, a professional player, injures his wrist and is sent to the ER.

Another sneak injury I noticed at the after party: Blake's fingers were taped up. Why is everyone so injured?

Despite his trip to the hospital, Clay shows up at the party with his arm in a sling. Apparently he left early—he literally told the doctor "we can do this tomorrow"—in order to have more time with Becca. She rewards him with a rose, as she should.

It doesn't last long, though: The next day Clay finds out he needs an operation for his wrist which means he has to leave early. He and Becca share a tearful goodbye, and it's so sad that we don't even get a rose ceremony this episode!

Next week: David's back! "The chicken crossed the road and got hit by a bus." Uh oh, Becca's feeling disrespected.