Bachelor in Paradise Season 5, Episode 9 Recap: We Need to Talk About the 'Russian Witch Hunt'

Let's be real: The thing everyone will be talking about from this episode of Bachelor in Paradise is the long-awaited "Russian witch hunt." So, I'll try to keep this recap to just the highlights in order to get straight to it. Spoilers ahead, of course.

Tonight's episode starts the morning after the rose ceremony, so who knows if Chelsea and Christen made it out OK after their health scares. No update, no conversations about them, nothing. Instead, we get the arrival of Successful BIP Couples Carly and Evan and Jade and Tanner to give out a date card. They interview all of the couples, but some make a better impression than others. Carly and Evan clock the fear in Annaliese's eyes as Kamil confesses he wants to take a step back. Eric spends five hours talking about cheese. ("Wow, that was f-cking weird," Tanner says after.) Carly and Evan and Jade and Tanner end up picking Kendall and Joe—but it turns out the "date" is to babysit their kids for a few hours.

Kendall and Joe's babysitting skills are comically bad. There's a lot to laugh at. Like, how as soon as Joe picks up Jade and Tanner's daughter, Emmy, she starts screaming. Or how Jade and Tanner react to this by practically running out of the room instead of helping. Or when Kendall thinks playing her ukulele will calm the baby. When Jade and Tanner finally return and ask how it went, Joe shrugs. "Well, she hates my guts, but other than that all went well." Luckily, Kendall and Joe get a legit date card as a reward.

The arrival of these Successful BIP Couples causes the others to think about their own relationships. Jenna and Jordan talk baby names, for example, while Eric and Cassandra reevaluate their feelings, or lack thereof. He decides to leave, but Cassandra stays. Meanwhile, Chris and Krystal go on their own romantic date. Well, it's kind of romantic: Just as Chris is about to tell Krystal he loves her, a raccoon saunters past their table. Eventually, though, he shares his feelings and she says she loves him too. The date ends with a random singer-songwriter (Ben Rector, according to Google) plays soft acoustic music while Krystal and Chris dance in the middle of the pool and the raccoon wanders around. ROMANCE!

Back at the villa, the cast plays truth or dare and this is when the seeds of the "Is Shushanna a witch?" controversy begin. Shushanna picks truth during her turn, so Annaliese asks, "Do you believe in love at first sight?" Shushanna says yes, so Jordan asks a follow-up question: Is there anyone here you want to kiss? Shushanna stares at Kamil, which he tells the camera he finds creepy. (Shushanna, for the record, thinks they have a connection still because every time she looks at Kamil he's looking back.) Then somebody asks for a good truth question and Shushanna says, stone faced, "Did you ever want to kill someone? HAHAHAHA!"

Later, Jordan asks Shushanna why she's still hung up on Kamil when he's there and willing to pursue something. She's like, "But Kamil, though."

The next morning, Jordan gets a date card and offers to take Shushanna out. She declines because she's still thinking about Kamil, so he takes Cassandra instead. This makes everyone in the villa question whether Shushanna's persistence for Kamil is bordering on, as Kevin puts it, a bit "cray cray." It reaches a breaking point when Shushanna pulls Kamil aside to tell him that she turned Jordan down because she still has feelings for him. Kamil says there's no spark between them and can't see it working. Shushanna just looks at him, smiles, and says, "Things change." So, he says again that he's not feeling it, to which she replies, "I don't believe you." OK then!

Shushanna isn't completely daft, though. She admits to Olivia that she likes a challenge, and she knows that's why she's so intense about him. Meanwhile, Kamil tells Annaliese that he thinks Shushanna is using "her Russian witchery" on him because she keeps giving him "evil" eye contact. Oh yes, that spooky eye contact all witches are so famous for. "I don't want her to put a spell on us or something," he says. Annaliese decides the best thing to do is to tell Shushanna to back off "her man." Spoiler: This is not the best thing to do. Kamil, however, simply says, "Thank you."

When Annaliese asks to talk, Shushanna says, "Do you have to?" Which, LOL, so savage. They go back and forth for a bit, until this exchange takes place:

Naturally, Shushanna is not pleased that a rumor that she's a witch is floating around. Here's the thing: This sucks. Shushanna is, yes, a little delusional, but the cast members are using this perceived weakness to make fun of her. Olivia's the only one who seems to be talking to Shu and trying to see her point of view, while everyone else is using words like "crazy" and putting her on trial for it. And don't forget: The only reason "witch" came up was because Kamil said it. As Wes puts it, "Shushanna's not a witch. Just because she's Russian doesn't mean she's a witch. This is a Russian witch hunt, you know?" Or as Yuki puts it, "Sad!"

That said, this gives us some great soundbites from Shushanna, like "First, I'm european trash and now I'm a witch? Like, seriously?" And also, "Call me a bitch, but not a witch."

At this moment, Diggy arrives in paradise and asks Shushanna for a chat. She tells him she's still working out the Kamil stuff, so he should invite someone else on his date. Diggy's like, woah, that's a lot of baggage. He asks Olivia instead, and she agrees. Sorry, John: I'm already shipping them.

Before she goes on the date, though, Olivia sits down for a chat with Shushanna. Shu wonders if she should leave, and then Olivia does some witchcraft of her own: She basically convinces Shushanna that she's just upset because deep down she really likes Jordan and is annoyed he's on a date without her. This actually works, and now Shushanna's running around the house saying, "F-ck Kamil!" as if she wasn't just bawling over him two hours ago. Cut to: her burning a photo of Kamil in a bonfire that night.

When Jordan gets back from his date with Cassandra, Kevin and Astrid fill him in on the witch rumors and how Shushanna has decided she's now into Jordan. He barely has time to process this before she shows up asking to talk. She tells him she was jealous that he was on a date, and he's like, "Um, what about Kamil?" She's all, "Kamil, who?" But Jordan doesn't buy it and says he's going to pursue things with Cassandra instead. Shushanna runs off to cry into a pillow, wailing, "It's so unfair!" Jordan tries to give her a pep talk, but it...well, see below:

With that, the episode ends. We'll see how it plays out during next week's finale. See you then!