Bachelor in Paradise Season 5, Episode 2 Recap: The Colton and Tia Drama, Continued

So much happened on tonight's Bachelor in Paradise—most of it Colton and Tia drama, natch—so let's not waste time with an intro, shall we? Here's what went down. (Spoilers ahead, of course.)

We start in medias res with Jordan and Nick getting Chris all worked up about Colton by saying things like, "We need to cut the head off the snake NOW." Colton, unaware this has been going on, joins them to say hey.

Meanwhile, Tia humblebrags to the rest of the group about her date with Colton. Astrid is not impressed: "Nobody trusts Colton, but Tia is so tunnel vision ... she's not paying attention to the signs that are literally buzzing at her."

Back to the bros: Chris asks Colton about his intentions with Tia while Jordan and Nick serve as the world's worst peanut gallery. Colton says he's still exploring his options—and that includes Tia. Chris argues that this isn't fair to Tia because she's clearly more invested in the relationship; if Colton's not sure about her, he should make a clean break. Now, I don't love being on Chris' side on any issue, but he has a point. Colton doesn't want a relationship with Tia, but he's fine stringing her along until something better comes his way.

Colton, however, says he's been very clear with Tia about his feelings, or lack thereof. Cut to Tia, gloating about their kiss and saying, "This could be the start of an amazing relationship." Oops.

The next morning, Chris works off his anger toward Colton through tai chi. (Or something? It's hard to say what Chris is doing.) There's a lot of references and jokes to the Karate Kid scene, but honestly this feels more like the Hot Rod version to me.

Moving on to the other people in paradise: A date card shows up for Kenny. Yay! We need more Kenny time. He starts auditioning date partners: Bibiana, Nysha, Chelsea, Astrid, and Krystal, who Kenny eventually asks out. This annoys Kevin, who also has a crush on Krystal but is too Canadian to tell Kenny to back off.

Meanwhile, Jordan's bummed he didn't get a date card, so he invites Annaliese to dinner. She accepts. Of course, David immediately pulls Annaliese aside to "warn" her about Jordan. David, have you learned nothing?! I think Jordan could easily pull a Regina George on you:

David's all, "I don't mean to dwell on someone else, but... LET ME SPEND OUR ENTIRE CONVERSATION TALKING ABOUT SOMEONE ELSE." Annaliese listens patiently before telling David she's going to ignore everything he's said. Jordan's interested in her, so that's good enough for now.

He says, "I just don't want to see you get hurt." Ugh, what is with the guys this season? Too many of them position themselves as "looking out" for the women in the villa when really it's just a front for their man-baby drama.

David's plan doesn't work anyway, because Jordan's date turns out to be kinda cute: champagne on the beach. At one point, Annaliese tells Jordan that she's an artist and he says he's "obsessed" with people who "are talented with their hands." LOL. Somehow, this charms Annaliese and they end their date with a kiss. Looks like Jordan will get her rose this week...unless David claws his way in.

Moving on! Wells is so overwhelmed by everyone's problems, he brought in a back-up bartender: Yuki, whom you'll remember as the best part of Bachelor Winter Games. Her drinks may not be good, but her smile and cute crop top are fun.

Time to check in with Kenny and Krystal's date: a lucha libre match. It's a good pick; Kenny, a professional wrestler, gets to show off his knowledge and skills, while Krystal can relate to all the glitter. At one point, Kenny gets into a fight with the villain and goes on stage to fight him. It's so fun! Remind me, why have we gone so long without Kenny time? Give him your rose, Krystal!

Later, they talk about Krystal's time on The Bachelor. She admits she wasn't on her best behavior, but she's learned from the experience and wants to be better. Kenny gets it: The show is a pressure cooker, and everyone has a moment of weakness. They end the date with a kiss, while poor Kenny sweats profusely.

Back at the villa, Kevin—who was just moping about Krystal seconds earlier—has already moved on to Astrid. They make out on the beach and now he's all, "I think Astrid and I are a better fit." OK, dude.

Meanwhile, Tia's telling the group she's dead set on giving Colton her rose...as he's busy flirting on the beach with...I want to say Angela, maybe? Bibiana and Kendall try to talk some sense into her. Tia understands what they're staying, but that door is still very much wide open.

The cocktail party is the next day, and the ladies have all the power. So, as they say on Love Island, time for the guys to get grafting. Chris Harrison joins the crew to tell them two guys will be going home this week, so they should "fight for their life." Are they, uh, dying? I hate to question the CH, but strange choice of words, no?

The guys really take this to heart and step up their game. Jordan got Annaliese a giant stuffed dog. Nick attempts to rekindle a flame that was never there in the first place with Chelsea. And Joe has a sweet conversation with Kendall, during which he tells her he only wants her rose. He might have some competition in John, though, who tells Kendall he's interested and goes in for a kiss.

Everyone's pairing off, so Tia decides it's time to finally sit down with Colton and get an answer. (Like me, Bibiana is annoyed and says she'd be a-OK if Colton left.) Colton tells Tia he still "owes" it to himself to talk to other people. When she asks him if he'd be bothered to see her date other people, he says no. Oof. Tia tests this by telling Colton that she and Chris have kissed, but he's not bothered by it. Then Colton hints that he's still not over Becca, to which Tia asks, "Then what are you doing here?" Excellent point. She's had enough and says, "I'm not your first choice, but I don't want to be your second choice." It's a good line, but she loses some steam when she basically tells Colton that he's going to leave if he doesn't get on the same page with her. Colton says that's too much pressure, but she doesn't want to give him a rose if he's just going to turn around and date other women in front of her.

So, Tia moves on to Chris the Goose. Chris tells Tia right away that he knows what he wants—her—and she admits she's been waiting all day to hear that (...from Colton, but whatever). She tells Chris that she's ready to "go for the right person." I guess that means him. Anyway, they kiss.

Faced with going home, Colton tries to flirt with Angela but she's heard the talk around the villa and isn't sold. Colton's nervous about whether or not he'll get a rose. Who cares!

Time for the rose ceremony: Krystal gives Kenny her rose, Astrid gives Kevin her rose, and Tia gives her rose to Chris.

Next, Kendall gives her rose to Joe, Annaliese gives hers to Jordan, and Nysha and Eric couple up. (Where's the screen time for this love story?) Then, shock, Chelsea gives her rose to David. Angela gives her rose to John. Bibiana has the last rose of the night, and she introduces a major twist by giving it to Colton. WHAT? Why?

Her reasoning is questionable—she wants to give Colton the change to show his real self or something? This means that Nick and Wills are heading home. Bibiana, what have you done?! I can't take another week of Colton drama, no thank you. (A plea to the Bachelor in Paradise editors: Please give us more time with literally anyone else.)

The next day, everyone talks about how annoyed they are with the Tia-Colton debacle. If the people who literally have nothing better to do than gossip around a pool are over this, why are we the viewers expected to care?

It gets worse: Becca has arrived in paradise to talk to the girls but also send Colton into a spiral. This is his reaction:

Through tears, Colton admits he wasn't ready to come to paradise yet because he's still in love with Becca. She's ready to give him some closure, but we'll see how that talk goes next time.

Also coming up: "Jordan is going to be a really amazing husband." "It's about to get coconuts!" "It's time to cook goose."