Bachelor in Paradise Season 5, Episode 4 Recap: Jordan's in the Dog House

Caution: Bachelor in Paradise spoilers ahead.

Tonight's episode begins with Wells and Yuki recapping the Krystal-Tia-Colton-Chris love square that, honestly, is way better than watching the actual thing unfold. But basically, Chris was into Tia, but she liked Colton more. Colton didn't want to commit to Tia, though, so she went back to Chris...who then turned around and kissed Krystal. When Colton found out about the kiss, he told Tia.

So, now, Tia is confronting Chris about it. She's not upset that he kissed somebody else—she's annoyed because hours earlier he was telling her she was the only woman for him in paradise. Chris, who is the worst, decides the best answer to this is, "What are you talking about? You make no sense." I'm with Tia: It's totally fair for Chris to kiss other people—they're not in a committed relationship—but don't say one thing and then do the opposite.

At this point, Krystal awkwardly wanders into the conversation, and offers this insight: "I feel like we're literally in a triangle right now." Now confronted by both women, Chris turns the blame on Tia: She was focused on Colton, so he decided to talk to other people. (Why not tell her that? I don't know.) Meanwhile, Krystal's annoyed because nobody's asking about her feelings.

Fed up with all of this, Tia says they're done. So Chris, a baby, does the whole "Well, actually, I was done FIRST!" save. Smooth, buddy.

At first, Krystal's pleased she gets the consolation prize that is Chris—but when she tries to have a moment with him, he blows her off to go to the bar. She cries into her margarita over this (relatable), until Jordan, of all people, comforts her.

Later, Jordan tells Chris he should've just told Tia that he was interested in Krystal. Wow, can you believe the guy best known for his golden underpants is giving decent relationship advice?

Even Tia's going to Jordan for help! I'll spare you their full chat, but essentially, she decides she wants to be all-in on Colton—as if that wasn't the case already. Of course, this is a great moment for Jacqueline to enter with a date card. Naturally, she's into Colton, which sends Tia into a spiral.

But when Jacqueline asks Colton out on the date, he declines. (Jacqueline's reaction to this: "Yikes.") He pulls Tia aside to tell her that he said no because they still need to figure out what's going on between them—but also, he might leave paradise. God, this is confusing.

Speaking of confusing, Annaliese is into Kenny now? Except, LOL, as soon as she makes that known, here comes Jacqueline to ask him on a date. Kenny doesn't care that he was the second choice because, "Who would choose Colton over Kenny?" Exactly what I've been saying this whole time.

However, their chemistry on the date feels a little off? They still end up kissing, and Jacqueline says she likes Kenny, so what do I know?

Annaliese must not buy it, either, because she steals Kenny away as soon as he and Jacqueline are back from their date to tell him she likes him, but it takes her a while to "present a sexual energy." Kenny, who is shirtless at this point (don't ask), gives her a kiss.

Meanwhile, with Tia out of the picture, Krystal and Chris are all over each other. She was on the fence for a minute about him, but then Chris did literally nothing and she's all, "There's just something about him I can't quit." Kevin describes Krystal and Chris as "the two crazies in the corner who deserve each other" which is so, so accurate.

The next morning, Tia's still on one about Colton maybe leaving. Bibiana, perhaps as tired of this nonsense as I am, tells Colton to stop overthinking everything and just give Tia a chance.

The talk must've worked, because that night Colton tells Tia he's ready to give their relationship a real shot. Then, we're "treated" to a FULL MONTAGE of Tia and Colton moments. Yikes.

But TBH, I'm happy for Tia. She's been so patient! Now that's settled, let's please spend zero more airtime on this relationship.

Moving on: The rose ceremony is the next day, and Jordan shows up in a Hawaiian-print vest and pants for...reasons. Also unknown is why Kevin and Astrid are sharing a plate of large sausages? And why Jenna says "mmhmm" when she kisses?

Anyway, now Bibiana is into Kenny, too. Damn. She pulls him aside and admits it's hard to open up in this environment. They kiss, but it's hard to tell what Kenny's thinking because later he flirts with Jacqueline and Annaliese.

The night takes a big left turn when David gives Jenna a giant stuffed dog as a birthday gift. (Yes, David knows it's similar to the bear Jordan gave Annaliese, but it's "eight times the size" so there. Totally different and not at all inspired by Jordan.) David and Jenna name the dog Brownie, but they can't get too attached—Jordan comes out of nowhere and drags the stuffed animal into the ocean. Keep in mind, this grown man is still wearing a ridiculous Hawaiian suit during this tantrum.

Jenna's like, "Uh? Wha?" But instead of giving her an apology, Jordan starts going off on Chelsea and Jubilee for laughing at his man-baby antics. Annaliese and Eric tell him he's being mean and disrespectful—"I know you're a better person than what I saw"—and ask him to apologize.

Jenna's also not impressed with Jordan. As she points out, this won't be the first time someone else is interested in her, so it's a red flag that he's behaving this way. That said, Jordan eventually apologizes, and that seems to be enough for her. (Even though I'm not sure Jordan would have apologized to her if Eric hadn't demanded it in front of the whole group.)

But with that, it's time for the rose ceremony. The couples are: Jordan and Jenna, David and Chelsea, Kevin and Astrid, Chris and Krystal, John and Jubilee, Joe and Kendall, Colton and Tia, Eric and Angela, and Kenny and Annaliese. Which means Bibiana, Jacqueline, Nysha, and Caroline are all leaving paradise.

See you tomorrow night for the following: "I am unlovable!" Arie? "I'm back in paradise, where I had my first orgasm." Benoit!!!