Bachelor in Paradise Season 5, Episode 3 Recap: Finally, It's John's Time to Shine

Caution: Spoilers ahead.

The contestants keep saying things move fast on Bachelor in Paradise, and they're not wrong. Just yesterday, we thought solid relationships were forming between Tia and Chris, Kenny and Krystal, and Annaliese and Jordan—but every one of those couples have imploded by tonight's end.

The episode picks up where we left off: Becca, fresh off her engagement to Garrett, is in paradise to talk to Colton. Their conversation goes fairly well, and Colton gets to ask a question that's clearly been bothering him: Did Tia play a part in Becca's decision to break up? According to Becca, no. She really, truly felt her relationships with the other guys were stronger at the time. This gives Colton some closure, so they part on good terms. That said, Becca's last words to Colton was a cheery, "I'll tell Garrett you say hello!" Maybe don't rub it in that you're engaged to the guy who likes bigoted Instagrams.

When Colton tells the other guys that he's feeling better after his talk with Becca, everyone's supportive...except for Chris, who is skeptical because Colton was sad and now is less sad. (Am I that surprised Chris doesn't register the nuances of human emotion? No.) Then Chris insults Colton's virginity because "being a virgin is an emotional type of thing." Oh, hello, Evil Chris. You've been hiding, but I see you're back.

Anyway, now that the Colton storyline has reached a conclusion—for now—it's time to move on to another brewing drama: Annaliese and Jordan's soon-to-implode romance. She's totally smitten and thinks he'll make "an amazing husband." Nothing can shake their relationship...except for Jenna, who has just arrived, has a pink streak in her hair, and is apparently an alien.

Jenna and Jordan hit it off immediately. Or as Jenna puts it, "Jordan and I, I think would be great mates. We could like make sure our hair's all in the right place, pluck eyebrows, and talk about serious, dramatic issues. I think."

It's her birthday, so she wants to celebrate it by taking Jordan out on a date. He accepts and leaves without even saying goodbye to Annaliese. To make matters worse, the rest of the cast awkwardly talks about what a great couple they'll make right in front of her.

The thing is, these two weirdos really do have a good connection. Jenna actually likes that he asks questions like, "What made you you?" And he loves that she claps when she laughs. They make out, a lot, so it must be real love.

Too bad Annaliese thinks she and Jordan are still solid and will get engaged someday. Nysha's reaction is basically this:

As soon as Jordan returns from his date with Jenna, he tells Annaliese it's over in the least tactful way possible. (So Jordan.) He gushes about how his date was so amazing, and rubs it in that they instantly have a much stronger connection than he ever did with Annaliese. Then he tells her that he's giving his rose to Jenna BUT, you know, things can change...so if Jenna's not into him, Annaliese can be his back-up because he likes her "as a person."

Annaliese manages to hold it together and not slap him in the face, so kudos to her.

Everyone knows Jordan is head over heels for Jenna, so of course David must ruin this. He makes a birthday treat for Jenna and claims it's because he's interested in her and definitely, 100% not because he's obsessed with Jordan. "Oh my gosh you're hilarious," she replies.

Sensing some competition, Jordan joins them to make things as awkward as possible. The three sit in silence until David finally leaves. As soon as he's gone, Jordan tells Jenna David was only giving her a cake to mess with him. She poo-poos this, so he responds by throwing the plate into the sea. This display of maturity somehow does not turn her off.

Meanwhile, Eric and Angela are a thing now? And kissing? Sure!

We don't get much time to dwell on that though because Caroline has arrived, and she has a date card. She's so nervous to talk to the guys that she interrupts Joe in the middle of their conversation to ask where the bathroom is. I have never seen such a relatable moment on this show in my life.

Luckily, she finds a kindred soul in sweet John, and I am into this. Their date is awkward at first—Caroline keeps getting distracted by all the stray animals running around—but they eventually get on track after she opens up about how her ex was very unkind. That relationship sucked, but now she knows what she wants: someone like John.

The next morning, Caroline's feeling good about the date...but then, Jubilee enters and she's looking GOOD. Nervous that Jubilee will pick John, Caroline tries to talk to him about where they stand. Their conversation doesn't get anywhere, though, because Jubilee interrupts to ask John out. Wow, I'm so pleased people are finally catching on that John is A CATCH.

The guys in the house seem baffled that all the women are into John, but I get it: He's hot, he's got a job, he's smart, and he's kind. I think the fact that Jordan can hold the interest of not one, but two women is a bigger mystery.

Back to John and Jubilee's date: They're going zip lining, which is the perfect bonding exercise for two quiet souls. Later, over margaritas, they talk about their careers—she worked on computer hardware in the military, he's a programmer—and hobbies. When he tells her he developed Venmo, she responds exactly as I would, "What are you doing here!?" They kiss. Now I'm shipping them!

Back at the villa, Kenny's planned a sweet date—well, a blanket and some candles on the beach—for Krystal. But she friend zones him for reasons unclear to me because Kenny's awesome.

Meanwhile, Chris tells Tia she has nothing to worry about because he doesn't think he'll be distracted by any women coming into the villa. He's half right, I guess. He's not distracted by women coming in to the villa; he's distracted by someone already here: Krystal. They sneak off to chat, and Chris actually says this line out loud: "I don't think I've ever kissed a blonde." AND IT WORKS. How. HOW?

The next morning, Tia's all, "I can see myself falling in love with Chris." Meanwhile, Chris brags to the bros about his horrible pickup line. He really is the worst. Also, what kind of guy goes by "the Goose?" Anyway, Colton gets his revenge by telling Tia all about Chris and Krystal's kiss. She's annoyed, naturally, so this should go over well.

To be continued next week...