The Bachelor Season 23, Episode 8, Recap: Colton Is Not a Hit With the Dads

I'd give a spoiler warning before we dig into tonight's episode of The Bachelor, but this show is nothing if not predictable. Case in point: We open with yet another gratuitous scene of Colton showering. He must be the cleanest man in Bachelor nation.

When he eventually dresses, he packs his best crewneck to go meet Caelynn in her hometown of Fredericksburg, Virginia. They take a horse-drawn carriage through the town, driven by a woman wearing a fabulous hat. It looks like something out of Gilmore Girls creator Amy Sherman-Palladino's closet, which is fitting because Fredericksburg is giving me Stars Hollow vibes. The carriage driver even drops them off at an adorable ice cream shop, a Lorelei and Rory activity if I've ever seen one.

After, they head to a BBQ with Caelynn's family, where Colton gives this wild toast: "I do want to thank all of you for having me here, and you guys all have Caelynn to thank for that." Is this man—who, by the way, is dating three other women—seriously suggesting they should be grateful she's brought him into their home? No wonder Caelynn's stepdad looks so weirded out. When Caelynn's sister pulls her aside, she says she's skeptical of Colton and questioning his sincerity. Caelynn's mom also isn't sure and admits to Colton that she's not sure if he or Caelynn are ready for marriage.

My favorite moment, though, is when Caelynn's stepdad suggests, "It sounds more like you can just be friends." That's a Bachelor first: A parent actually recommending that a contestant should friend-zone the Bachelor. Here for it. In fact, it's the best parenting I've seen in seasons. Later, when Colton sits down with the stepdad, he asks for his permission to propose to Caelynn. Her stepfather takes the longest pause in television history before finally saying OK.

(Side note: Do I like that they're talking about Caelynn like she's property, not a grown woman capable of making her own decisions? No, but this is The Bachelor; a lot of tension comes from the whole "asking for the daughter's hand" moment, so I will stay off my soapbox—for now.)

Before Colton leaves, Caelynn tells him she's fully in love.

Next up is Birmingham, Alabama: Hannah G.'s hometown. Before they meet her family, Hannah wants Colton to be "the perfect Southern gentleman" and attend an etiquette class. His reaction to this is basically:

He goes through with it, though, walking with a book on his head (which he's OK at) and learning how to properly eat a dinner roll (which he fails miserably at). While it was fun watching Colton channel Pretty Woman and do a glow-up montage, it's time for him to meet Hannah's family. Spoiler: They're skeptical too. Hannah's mom is all, "Who is this guy?" Another family member straight-out asks Hannah if it scares her that he's a virgin. Hannah says no, but her eyes say yes. Hannah's dad asks Colton what his intentions are and hems and haws when Colton asks for his blessing to propose. "That blows me away a little bit," he replies, before finally saying OK.

Before Colton leaves, Hannah tells him she's falling in love.

Moving on to Tayshia and her hometown of Santa Ana, California. She immediately blindfolds Colton but assures us she's not making him do the Bird Box challenge. (Wasn't asking for that, but now I kind of want to see it?) One long, bumpy car ride later, Tayshia reveals what they're really doing today: skydiving. Colton is terrified, and it doesn't help that the instructor keeps joking that he might die. Colton pushes forward anyway; before he jumps, he says a quick prayer asking God to let him live long enough to lose his virginity. After all, "I hear it's really good."

Back on land, Tayshia tells him she's falling in love. If you're keeping track, that's three women.

When Colton meets her family, it's awkward and tense. Understandable, given that the last guy she brought home was her ex-husband. When Colton reveals he's falling in love with Tayshia, her dad says, "That's a strong word." He digs in further, "How could you fall in love—if you are in love—with more than one person?" Colton stumbles through some answers before asking for the dad's blessing. Tayshia's father pauses. "I just met you," he finally says. Then he does not give his blessing. A twist!

"I'm not marrying her father, but I am going to need his permission," Colton grumbles. "I don't know what I'm going to do." You really don't need his permission, Colton, but I live for this drama so let's go with it. Also, it turns out Tayshia's brother is on track to become an FBI agent. He casually jokes that he'll hunt Colton down one day, so things are going well. Meanwhile, Tayshia's dad asks what would happen if Colton proposed right now. She admits she'd say yes, and her dad scolds her: You can't microwave relationships, he says. But then, before Colton and Tayshia leave, he tells them both he's "content" with giving his blessing. Ugh, Dad, stand your ground!

Last up, Colton goes to Huntington Beach, California, for Cassie. She teaches him how to surf. Kind of. I don't know what Colton's worse at: learning how to eat dinner rolls like a gentleman or learning how to surf.

During a break, Colton asks Cassie if she's in love with him yet. She pauses and mutters, "Ummm." After some more stuttering, she says she thinks she knows how she feels but she can't say it yet. This is good enough for Colton, I guess, despite him telling us weeks earlier this is his greatest fear.

The visit with her family didn't help, either. Her dad shrugs as he describes Colton as "you know, a guy." Cassie admits to her sister she's not ready to be engaged. Her sister is like, Leave. When Cassie and her dad have a one-on-one chat, they quibble. He asks a few reasonable questions about why his daughter would get engaged to a man she met on a reality show, to which Cassie is all, "DaaAaaAdddduhhh, I know what I'm doing! Why don't you trust me?!?" The dad's like, "You are 23."

(Side note, part two: I would like to point out that it's insane for everyone to behave as if marriage is the only outcome here. Cassie is 23, of course she's not sure about getting engaged. And that's 100 percent fine. As Cassie's dad puts it, "I think you need more than a couple random dates to fall in love with someone.")

Colton asks Cassie's dad for his permission, but he replies it would be premature to give his blessing. YES. Before he leaves, Colton asks Cassie again if she's in love with him. She still can't say it. Sir, this is what the other women warned you about. Yet he has "no clue" what to do.

When the women gather for the rose ceremony, Colton gives roses to Hannah, Tayshia, and Cassie. He walks the now-dumped Caelynn out, and she tells him she feels blindsided. She describes feeling stupid for having feelings that weren't reciprocated, but Colton SAYS NOTHING. He just nods and gives her a weak hug. What a monster.

On the bright side, we will finally know why Colton jumps the fence next week! I can't wait.